Segs

OK, you know the way your mind works when you’re in a state of semi-consciousness? The way something just floats into view and synapses just spark, linking old obscure memories together? Then, if you’re really sad you decide just to post them on your blog?

Today’s obscure thread is… segs. Does anyone else remember these? I’d expect the ones of around 30 and over to perhaps have heard of them. Basically they were steel toecaps for the outside and underside of shoes. Little plates of steel with spikes in that you hammered into your footwear so that they made a clacking noise as you walked.

Utterly useless for assassins, teachers, mothers or anyone else who’s day-to-day life required stealthy movement. I found one once, just lying on the pavement. I had one seg. How sad is that? *clack* *thud* *clack* *thud*. One seggy foot, one leathery one.

They’ve not been around for years. I suspect it’s for safety reasons. A good kick with a seg on concrete would raise sparks. I can just imagine someone “putting a tiger in their tank” (another weird advertising slogan for Esso in the 80’s. I never figured that out. Surely the fur would clog the spark plugs. But I digress…) then walking to the cash office.

*clack* *clack* *clack* *spark*

WOOF

Hmm… ok, so maybe a dog rather than a tiger. But anyway. There’s where they went. Actually, I think I remember that. A sudden increase of spontaneous garage combustions pinned on the steel foot decorations which were thereafter banned from public use. I wonder if you can still get them on the black market. Suicide Seggers could be marching towards your local BP station as we speak. Kind of like a martyr’s version of Russian Roulette, never knowing if those sparks will set anything off or not.

Oh, and while I’m on the subject of pointless things that make you look “cool”, how about putting Calypso drinks cartons between the spokes on your bike so it made a “Vrrrrrrrrrrrm” noise when you pedalled?

Holy Floating Jesus!

I remembered I wanted to post about this a few days ago but I forgot. I was in Glasgow over the weekend and, as is a bad habit of mine, went into one of those cheap bookshops. Browsing the titles, I saw some amazing action figures hung up.

Now, some of you will have received the Jesus Action Figure TV commercial piss-take I sent out on my junk mail list the other week. But hanging in front of me (reduced to £4 from £5) was a genuine Jesus Christ poseable figurine. Well, poseable in that you can move his arms up and down. Complete with “realistic gliding motion”, or “two recessed wheels in the soles of his very large feet”.

After a bit of a search, I’ve found the gliding Jesus figure on the web for you all to admire, though I think the packaging’s different for this one. Also worth a gander is the superb quality Black Jesus figure, star of the adventures of Li’l Black. Just pop to Google and search for “jesus action figure” for loads (far too many) more.

And it ain’t just the speed cameras

Hull council and Humberside police are even more desparate for your cash if you’re a motorist. Not content with robbing you blind by putting nasty cameras everywhere, they’re inventing novel ways of giving parking fines.

In addition, a lad in the office just got a fine from Croydon. Apparently they caught him on CCTV (or his car anyway) being parked with one or more wheels on the kerb. As far as he can recall, this was to ask directions of a passer-by. Had he not mounted the kerb, he’d have blocked the traffic. This, though, would have been completely legal. Yes, winding up your fellow motorists is legal, while being considerate is not.

The other thing that takes the piss is the fine – £80 rising to £120 if it’s not paid within 28 days. That’s £20 more rising to double that of a speeding ticket, though it doesn’t result in penalty points on the license. What a joke.