Hallmark cards they don’t do

I know there’s a “joke email” going round at the moment about cards that you can’t find in Hallmark, Clintons or wherever. I noticed they missed one off the list and I think it’s a very important one that they really ought to have. I’ve drafted an open letter to Hallmark below.

Dear Mr Hallmark-Cards-Limited,

I would first of all like to that you for your wide range of humourous, sympathetic and joy-spreading greetings cards. However, despite this range I have noticed a market niche that you have yet to fill. I popped into a Clinton’s store recently and enquired about this area, asking where the cards were and was asked to leave by the manager. I was, obviously, rather hurt and upset by this and can only assume that the staff didn’t want to reveal that they had a section of the market uncovered.

In brief, the previous night has been a joyous moment for me. My partner and I had shared a moment that few (I have heard) experience and I wished to express my gratitude and feelings for her and for the trust she had shown in me with that moment. I had planned to buy flowers and a card which expressed my feelings to go with them.

Sadly, despite trawling through the various sections of the shop and asking the assistants, I could find no sign of a “thank you for letting me penetrate you anally” card. This is as major an occasion as a first anniversary, a first birthday together, or losing your virginity to someone (something else I couldn’t spot in the shop, though I wasn’t looking for that type of card so I might just have skipped them).

I have taken the liberty of writing a couple of ditties that you might find useful for future marketting. I would, of course, expect some payment if they are used (also if some adapted form is used) and as such have CCed my solicitors in on this communication. I hope you don’t mind!

I must write to you, my love

As up your bumhole I did shove

My big turgid love root

Right up your poop-chute

And it fit like a tight, sweaty glove

Oh my love, you are sweet

You allowed me to meet

One of my life’s aims last night

With lots of Anu-lube

About half a tube

And my nob still smells of your shite

Sadly, I have not managed to wend the words "arsehole" and "drool-lubrication" into one verse, nor can I find a decent rhyme for "dirt-bagging", but please bear with me.

I await your response.

Yours faithfully

(etcetera)

My current favourite phrase or saying

I’m working in the office between xmas and new year. I use the word "working" in it’s loosest possible sense, of course. I’m actually spending more time building a PC for a mate than I am actually looking at anything work-related.

I have discovered that the phrase I’m using most around here right now is "Why should I give a fuck? What are you going to do? Fire me?" After all, worst case scenario is they give me my P45. At which point I walk to my new place and hand them it saying "I can start now, if you like."

I would like to point out that, should you be from my new employer and reading this that it’s a work of humourous fiction and that I’m actually working really, really hard.

How to freak out a housemate

OK, I found this out by accident. I’d never be deliberately cruel to Kim. Unless it was funny or something. Just to make that clear. Any bumps, burns or bruises are purely her own clumsy fault. *ahem*

You take one bowl of Honey Loops breakfast cereal. Pour orange juice on them instead of milk by accident. Then pour milk on anyway so as not to waste them. Commence eating. Get about 1/3 of the way through the bowl and realise you really don’t like this new flavour taste explosion and tip them down the toilet. Flush.

At this point you realise how floaty cereal is and that it ain’t going to go unless you tip a bucket of water down after it. So just leave it.

Wait until Kim gets up and, still tired, goes to the loo. This is the point where she squeals that “there are worms in the toilet!” and won’t go back in again.

Fun and games for all the family. And cheaper than that crap you bought your kids from Toys R Us before the sale started yesterday.

New toys

Eyes left again, folks. Just a couple of boxes down (or up, depending on whether you’re reading this in the archives or not) you’ll see some options. Feel free to play. The check box determines whether any links you click open in a new window or in this one; the radio buttons select text size. The default look/feel is as you’ve been used to (internal links, small text).

When I get more time I’ll try to figure out cookies and how to update the box so that it reflects the options you had saved from your last visit.

Feedback much appreciated. It would be possible to have even larger text if there’s a need for it. Just say. Likewise, I think I can do something to change the colour scheme as well if it’s awkward for some readers.

Note that these options require Javascript functionality in your browser. I’ve tested it in IE6 and Firefox and it works in both. I might get really clever and get it to open links on a new tab in Firefox, but I don’t know if I can be arsed.

Update: Yes, I have just spotted that clicking "links in a new window" fucks up the comments. I’ll have to play with that…