Will someone shut that fucking idiot up?

First of all, I’m not wanting to trivialise the hurricane that hit the American south today. It’s an awful thing to have happened and, stupid though it may have been, I can kind of sympathise with those who stayed to try and protect their property – and perhaps lost their lives doing so.

However.

A headline on Fox News calls it “Our Tsunami”. No it fucking wasn’t. It was nowhere near the scale of the Boxing Day tsunami. It may have seemed like it to the unfortunate few (yes – “few”) who suffered, but it’s nothing compared to the tens of thousands who died last year.

Tens. Of. Thousands. Compared to dozens. It’s like saying that dropping a saucepan on your foot was “our house’s meteoric earth-destroying strike”.

Point 2 – and the fuckwit my headline is aimed at. That arsehole puppet in “charge” of the country. What a complete, self-obsessed, attention-seeking cunt. Did anyone hear his entire speech? I’m trying to track a copy down on the net but I’m not having much luck. They all stop where he should have, that is around about where he’s telling people to get in touch with the Red Cross, Sally Army and other charities.

The thing is, he then went on to blather about how the US’s own troops can’t really do fuck all to help, because some power-hungry douche-bag has sent them all overseas to continue the “war on terror”.

Sorry, George. This made your speech sound like one of two things:

1) An apology for bollocksing everything up by shipping all the soldiers who would have helped off to Iraq to get used as underage cannon fodder

2) A propaganda statement, that it’s all the terrorist’s fault because if they weren’t such bad people then step 1 above wouldn’t be necessary.

Instead, you come across as the stupid, pathetic, single-minded little twat that we all know you are. Well fucking done. Now go get daddy’s big fucking cheque book and send a suitable donation – a few tens of millions will do – to the aforementioned charities. And don’t you fucking dare try to cream any off as tax.

Bank holidays – aren’t they great?

One long weekend, then I’m at work for 2 days, and then I’m off for the next 3 working days. Wicked. After covering for Allen for the entire of August while him and his wife swanned around Oz, NZ and Vegas I thought I deserved a break. So I’m taking one.

As such, and with coursework deadlines also looming, posting may be sporadic over the next week or so. I may not even post all that shit from the archives I’ve been forcing on you recently. Don’t cry – this should be a relief.

I have also got a shitload of stuff to sort/move in the house as I’ve just been nominated / pressganged into being the Merchandise Office for ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, the official Douglas Adams fan club. As such, I now have about 4 binbags and 10 cardboard boxes full of all sorts of weird shit clogging up my spare room.

I can’t believe I’m 31 and a member of the committee of an SF fan club. How fucking sad? Oh, and it’s definitely “SF” and not “sci fi” apparently. Unless you’re in Ireland, where cries of “I love SF” will either result in being given a pint of Guinness or being kneecapped, depending on which half of the country you’re in. Apparently one is preferable to the other but I’m fucked if I can figure out which it is. Guinness, after all, is like bland road tar.

And if you didn’t understand that, go here. I’m too fucking tired to explain it to you cunts right now. Even you wankers at Stansted.

Oh, there may be swearing in this post.

Bollocks.

Alert level update

Thanks to Anni for forwarding this on:

Following the events in London in recent weeks, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”.

The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military.

Updates from around Europe. The Italians have increased their alert level from “shouting excitedly” to “elaborate military posturing”. Two more levels remain
“ineffective combat operations” and “change sides”.

The Germans have also increased their alert state from “disdainful arrogance” to “full dress-uniform and marching songs”. They have two higher levels “invade a neighbour” and “lose”.

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from “isolationism” to “find somewhere ripe for regime change”. Their remaining higher alert states are “take on the world” and “ask the British for help”.

Finally here in GB we’ve gone from “pretend nothing’s happening” to “make another cup of tea”. Our higher levels are “chin-up and remain cheerful” and “win”.

Back to the archive

Coursework deadlines folks. This one’s courtesy of Caz – credit where it’s due. I’ll let her tell it in her own words:

I don’t know if I told you about the funny thing the dumbass admin assistant did, but I’m sure I’ve mentioned her. She’s basically a stereotypical dumb blond with big boobs. Anyway she’s trying to make it as some kind of model, by “some kind” I mean one that’s a little on the kinky side.
She’s done a photo shoot for a website (I don’t know the address before you ask) and obviously wanted to print some photos out in colour which she thought she’d do at work. She sent the photos to print and to collect them from the printer only being the dumb blonde she is she sent them to the wrong printer. Needless to say someone got to the correct printer before she did and picked them up, then he went round loads of people asking if they were anyone’s printouts until one of the managers realised it was her.
She then ran out of the office and didn’t come back in for about 30 minutes. Oh, the hilarity. But you know the worst bit? I was on a course and missed the entire event. I hate the cow – it would have been so much fun to see. Damn!!

Can I have her phone number? And/or the web address if you can find it out? I’d like to turn up at you work and introduce myself with “I saw your website. I love you. We are going to be sooooo happy together”.

I’ve always wanted a restraining order.

That serious one

I meant to post this a little while back, but got rather busy. Never let it be said that I’m not “open” on this blog…

You’ve had a giggle the last couple of days with some of the pre-written material. Well, today we get one of those serious posts. This one’s pretty “open”, but I think it’s worth it. Please read this, take it on board and pass on to your friends.

First, the good news. I am seeing someone new. For the first time in quite some months (over a year?) I’m an attached man. I’m not going to harp on any more as I don’t want to get all mushy. I’ll tell you more about her as and when. As a result of deciding to settle on one person (I’ve been fairly… frivolous over the last year or so), I decided to play things very safe. I don’t want to drag in any unwanted problems from my previous lifestyle into a relationship.

So, I went to the local GUM clinic. Many of you might refer to these as the Clap Clinic, Genito-Urinary Medicine unit (if you’re posh) and various other names. It’s not the first time I’ve been to one of these places – in fact, it’s the third. But when we’re talking about my willy and attached bits, it makes sense to have a “service” once in a while, especially if you play with more than one partner.

Without exception, anything these places find stays within the clinic. Your doctor doesn’t know. Your employer doesn’t know. You don’t have to declare anything to insurance companies. It’s more confidential than George Bush’s real IQ. Nobody will ever find out.

The staff, certainly those at the one in Bradford I visited, are superb. Polite, friendly, humorous, understanding, discreet… they know it’s hard for people to drag themselves there so they put you at ease. I’d rate it as one of the nicest medical facilities I’ve ever visited. Their questioning is thorough – be honest in your answers as it can help them to make sure they check for any relevant problems.

On my recent visit, a (fairly cute) student nurse was present. I was asked if I minded her being there and, surprising myself, I didn’t. Hey, she’s got to learn about the job somewhere and it’s not like a lass her age won’t have seen a nob or two in her time. Given the fact that she got to see me with my trousers round my ankles while I doctor prodded my bollocks, she didn’t giggle once, and was very pleasant and polite. Full marks from this member of the public!

Now, I’ll have to be honest – the visit isn’t 100% chattery loveliness. Depending on what you’re being checked for, there are a couple of tests that can be… uncomfortable. I went for the whole shebang, just because I could. The advantage of the NHS in this country is that all this is free – make the most of it.

Obviously, I can’t tell you the details of the female tests (some vague details follow), but if you go the whole hog as a bloke expect the following:

  • A thorough questioning about what you’ve been up to, who with and where
  • Some nice doctor having a good peer at your willy and the surrounding area followed by a fairly firm grope
  • Needle in the arm for a small blood sample to be taken
  • Another nice gentleman asking if you have any problems such as a burning sensation while peeing, who then shoves a cotton bud up your japs eye (fucking uncomfortable) and asks you to piss in two plastic cups. If you didn’t have a burning sensation before, you do now
  • A closing interview based on immediate findings and some advice

Having asked around, the female equivalent is roughly:

  • Questioning
  • A procedure similar to a smear, including stirrups and stuff but several samples are taken
  • Blood test
  • Final interview

So you see, the two are fairly similar. They check for pretty much everything from the obvious nasties (gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, hepatitis) to ones that people maybe don’t think or know of (such as chlamydia, a link I recommend you check out). Chlamydia’s massively common, not easy to spot if you have it and stupidly easy to treat if caught early. However, if you don’t catch it early, it can lead to infertility in both sexes.

It’s free (in the UK at least), it takes about 30 minutes and it can save you from a lot of future discomfort as well as that of those you’re intimate with. Fuck, it could save your life.

Sorry for the public service announcement, folks, but don’t let a bit of embarassment potentially fuck up your life. Get an expert to give your gonads the once-over!

And no, I’m not telling you my results you nosey cunts (just added that last bit there so you’d fucking know you were still on the right twatting web page)