Keywords from Google Analytics

About a fortnight back, I added Google Analytics code to my blogs (and the BDCF page) to get a feel for the traffic coming in. Lo and behold, I found a part that lets me look at the search engine strings entered whereby someone’s found my site and then popped by for a visit. And some of them are very fucked up.

Looking at some of them, I am really starting to worry about the collection of fuckups and wierdos that must be looking at my blog. I’m scared. Really.

Enjoy:

let’s all laugh at sunderland
let’s all laughed at sunderland
let’s all laugh at sunderland jokes
rob mason sunderland’s number ones
downgrade to payg keep mobile number
how to be a mosher
passcode directory for barclays bank account holder
man shit dead in gym, birmingham
highway code horn 7:30 am
hoodie bondage “tied up” ebay
scouse links in new zealand
shagging bigg market
fanny craddock
pics of a 12 week old andrex dog
women shooting ping pong balls from fanny
mosher shoes
ban kfc
what is the “male equivalent” of a snatch
women knickers in changing room
squid mosher photo
kfc head office email address
acer unable change homepage
“how to get blood out of a carpet”
postperson jobs in london
female masseuse
“go down on herself” taste
istambul galataserai
rspca swat
erskine bridge blog
“left in this van”
cum stained caz
purex
mosher adultery long branch
www. mashed swede. me.uk
punto parked kerb not starting
alex ferguson swears on tv bollocks
female boss getting fuck in her car porn free

Acer update

I’ve added the following two paragraphs to the letter. Also, at Chris’ advice (see comments to previous post), I’ve cc’d the letter to their MD. At least, I think I have as it’s a bloody nightmare to find any corporate information out about Acer from ther website – it’s only interested in selling you stuff and telling you how great they are.

Just in case you missed it in the details at the top of the page, I have cc’d this message to your managing director. Perhaps he will go to the trouble of doing something about this mess. It seems that his staff are either incapable or unwilling, though very happy to whittle on about how much they care about their customers and want to make the world a better place for them to live in. So much hot air so far. I’ve yet to see a shred of evidence to support this hyperbole.

Also, all communications both to you and in response from you are posted publicly on my weblog. I’ll let you try to find it yourselves. Maybe your staff will learn how to type and retrieve information while doing so. This is obviously a skillset they need to develop.

Stick this up your arse, Acer

Dear ‘Escalations Customer Services’,

Well, where should I begin? How about “Did you actually read the letter I originally sent?” or perhaps “How on earth can you even begin to include the phrase ‘satisfactorily dealt with’ in your reply without tears of laughter in your eyes?”

You may make an assumption from this that I am far from happy with your response to my complaint. In fact, I’m so far from happy that “happy” itself as a word or even a concept simply doesn’t exist right now. I am disgusted, sickened, annoyed, irate, angry and utterly in disbelief at your inability to grasp the fact that your company has screwed up and seems to think that trying to bluff it’s way out will work.

I sent a screen to you to be repaired after a “repaired” fault in it re-occurred very soon after it was shipped back to me. I expressly requested that it be delivered, on completion of subsequent repairs, to my parents in Perth. I do not care where it ended up, who signed for it, or anything else. I want the monitor to go to the address I asked for it to be returned to, and which I was told would not be a problem. It seems that this was a problem as you were unable to complete this simple task.

On March 8th I was working my notice out. I was also living in a friend’s spare room having emptied the contents of my house and moved them to Perth – you know, the town in Scotland where I asked you to send the screen. I began moving my things up there no more than 2 days after I shipped it to you for repair, hence knowing at the time that I did not want the screen returning to Halifax or Bradford, but instead to Perth. This is what I told the person I spoke to on the telephone when I rang to arrange sending it to you.

Hence, regardless of when the screen arrived in Halifax, who signed for it, who carried or or signed for it – all you’re actually confirming is that you screwed up a simple request to sent my monitor to Perth. Not Halifax.

I apologise if I seem to be repeating myself here, but you obviously need this fact drummed into you as it seems my earlier letter and emails were not sufficient to make this point. Let’s make it nice and clear:

HALIFAX BAD – YOU SENT MY SCREEN HERE
PERTH GOOD – YOU DIDN’T SEND IT HERE. YOU GOT IT WRONG.

Would it be easier if I sent you maps and little diagrams? Look in an atlas. Halifax does not equal Perth. They never have, even in the olden days. There is also the small matter of two places existing in the same physical space which simply does not happen in the universe I live in, though I obviously can’t comment on your little dimension. After all, you seem to think that sending someone a letter confirming the fact that you’ve made a mistake is enough to rectify their problems.

You are wrong.

As I said in my last letter, had you bothered to actually read it, I am asking you sort this problem out. Either arrange collection of the screen from SSP with Mr [employee] (who I don’t know) or ship a replacement of similar specification (and in working order) to my parents’ address. Long and short of it is that you lost the screen. Not me. You failed to follow instructions that I clearly provided and which you confirmed, verbally, would be adhered to.

Also, as you seem to be proceeding down the path of assuming I didn’t tell you about the address request, I would like an apology for your unspoken accusation that I am a liar. I am not sure which is worse – your constant sidestepping of the issue, or the insulting undertone to your responses which insinuate that I’m attempting to clear up a mistake that I may have made.

Much as I would like to call your phone number, I repeat the fact that I am in Vietnam. It would cost me a fortune to ring you up. Besides, it seems that when I do call that certain words aren’t heard by your operators. I thought perhaps the long ones might confuse them, but “Perth” is only one syllable and that seems to have shot in one ear and right out the other side. That and “[street name]”, “[house number]” and “Can you please deliver the screen to”.

Now, one last time for the hard of thinking. I’ll try to keep this nice and simple for you as it’s obviously very hard to grasp:

GET A REPLACEMENT MONITOR SENT TO MY PARENTS’ ADDRESS IN PERTH AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

That’s the address at the start of this letter. The one with “Perth” in it. It’s a town in Scotland. Not England, not Yorkshire and they’re not a company and wouldn’t have signed for it in the name “[employee]”. These little clues are what gave away the fact that you are simply perpetuating the fact that you screwed up.

Currently my opinion, and that of many people I know, is that your company is full of people who simply dodge responsibility when something goes wrong. This would explain the stupidly long response time for email queries and your blinkered form-letter responses to letters of complaint. So go on. Prove us wrong. Try to actually sort out your mess instead of letting it fester. After all, it’s supposedly a good sign of a company not that it doesn’t make mistakes, but how it deals with them when they happen.

Currently, you’re ranking with PC World and Barclays in my list of “worst people to do business with”, and believe me that’s company you don’t want to be in.

Sort it. Now.

Yours,

MOSH

Acer = Cunts

For fuck’s sake:

Thank you for your letter highlighting the problems you have encountered with our company.

Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience this has caused. We aim to provide you with the highest standards of service, however, there ay be occasions when our service falls short of your expectations. Our aim at all times is to act in the customer’s best interest and to continually improve our quality standards.

We have contacted City Link on your behalf and they have confirmed that your monitor was delivered as per request to [my old employer’s address] on 8th March and was signed for in the name of [person I don’t know]. We have included with this letter a copy of the City Link Delivery Confirmation.

We hope that your complaint was satisfactorily dealt with and would like to assure you of our commitment to current and future customers to deliver a quality service and provide customer care that will at the very least exceed their expectations.

Should you wish to discuss (etc, phone numbers)

Where should I start? I think I’ll hinge on the use of the words “as per request”. I note that they’ve not said as who’s request, because I sure as hell didn’t specify my old workplace as a delivery address. I mean, why would I? Admittedly, I was still employed there on March 8th, but given how long the previous repair took, I didn’t expect to be.

Regardless, by that date my house was empty and all my possessions were in Perth with my parents. I had no way of getting said monitor up there any more. Hence why I had asked for it to be delivered direct to them.

“We hope that your complaint has been satisfactorily dealth with.” Did they read my original letter? I asked for the monitor to be delivered to Perth several months ago. I still want it delivered there. As I asked for it to be and as I was told by the guy on the phone it would be.

Let us make this plain: I AM NOT SATISFIED. I have no way to collect said monitor. I am in Vietnam. My parents are in Perth. Get a fucking map out and look at the distances involved, you cunts.

Surely it’s not too much to work out that as ACER fucked up, ACER should sort it? They have the company phone number. Phone Mr XXXX, and ask him to dig the monitor out. Get Shitty Link to collect it and take it to Perth. As it was supposed to be.

For fuck’s sake. How can a company go on about improving customer service when it ignores all the complaints it gets sent? What a bunch of fucking retards.

Scary

I won’t bother linking to the BBC News reports, as I’m sure everyone knows about the bomb threat that was nullified today.

What really hit me in the pit of the stomach and freaked me out was finding out through listening to the coverage that Blair’s on holiday and John Prescott is effectively running the country.

Now I am scared. And glad I’m on the other side of the world. Also partly because my pounds are worth significantly more than they were a week or so ago.