The Eleven Types of Drunken Texts

[Thanks to Jo for mailing this]

1) The “fishing” text.
This text is normally along the lines of: “So wot u up 2 later?” or “U out tonight?”, or simply “Oceana?”
Despite appearing innocent at first, its intentions are far from it. Generally sent at around 3am, this should be translated as:
“Im drunk, horny and haven’t pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? “
(Typical success rate is around 10%.)

The main determinates of a successful “fishing” text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your marginal propensity to fall asleep whilst texting.

A “fishing” text is at its worst when sent to an ex. Just don’t do it! Remove his/her number from your phone IMMEDIATELY, or try simply putting “No” after/before her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.

2) Predictive “Cock-ups”
The predicative text software loaded onto nearly all mobile phones, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.

Some favourites:

“Sorry still outside the club. Fucking steve.” (queue)

“wish I was inside your gorgeous aunt right now” (c*nt)

“Ready and raping to go!” (raring)

The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:

”fancy gettin food in the crown?”

It was inevitably written as:

”fancy gettin done in the brown?”

“Can’t wait to be licking your puppy” (pussy)

“Fancy a dual?” (f*ck)

Fortunately, the girl receiving saw the funny side and sent the following reply:

“Andy, unfortunately I hav no desire 2 don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a “dual”. Oh, and I certainly dont want sex with u!”

“It’s ok, no hurry, I’ve got aids” (ages)

“Gassy new year!!!” (happy)

“come on over… I have wind” (wine)

My friend Steve text me when we were planning a trip to Alton Towers:

“I can’t wait to have a go on all the sheep!” (rides)

“Put your coal into my puppy” (cock & pussy)

I asked my mate if he had any plans one evening quite late:
“Wife open, definitely not sleeping!” Was his reply! (wide)

Whilst preparing for a play:
“Have you got the rapist ready yet” (script)

“Spank me when u get here” (Prank)

3) The “friend locator” text
One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:

You’ve just met some chick and your mates have fucked off to leave you to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. You are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your friends several times before realising they will not be able to hear their mobiles ring. Your solution is to send the following message:

“Wher u? Ho on dancefloor” Or some other incomprehensible crap.

This situation is exasperated when you realise you have fuck all signal and must accept the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fare home. Or, alternatively, play that game outside the club where you go up to someone you vaguely recognise, asking “Clapham anyone?”

4) “Declarations of undying love”
No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?

“You are the most beautiful girl in the world!” – Ergh!

“I love u!”

“Love you millions”

“If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together”

“Missing you!” / “I miss you so much!”

It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure with every succeeding love text x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Naturally, of course, there is nothing wrong with declarations of undying love but they are best steered away from if you are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. Because I promise you that YOU may have forgotten what you sent the night before but SHE / HE won’t and she will have the evidence in her inbox

5) “Family texts”
Doesn’t happen that often, but to those few who accidentally text their parents or other family members, it can be disastrous.

Relatives most likely to receive messages are those who are dangerously close to “fitties” in the phone book. For example: “Dad” will be located near “Dave” or “Danni” alphabetically.

My favourites:
“Im c*nted where are you?” (sent by a friend to their mother. They didn’t speak for a week or so)

“U wanna stay at mine tonite?” (ooh dear)

And the worst case…Text sex!!!

“Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south until im licking and sucking ur wet… (you go)”

The above isn’t actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The receiving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at Christmases and birthdays! You have been warned!

6) “Shit, fuck & bollocks text!”
The name is derived from the noise you make after sending it!
It typically occurs when you are writing a text that bitches about someone or reveals that you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you’re about to send to it… and BANG! The wrong person gets the very message of which they are the subject.
Of course, this can have advantages, For example, you can create a double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy, send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover.

For the cheaters among us, this type of text is can wreak havoc. I seem to recall breaking up after incorrectly sending my girlfriend at the time this message:

“Thanks for last night, it was awesome, u free Friday?”

Despite my claims that the evidence was purely circumstantial, she soon showed me the door

7) Singing Texts
Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn’t it!

8) “The One Eyed Text”
By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible in fact. But far from deterred, your alcohol fuelled brain discovers you can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye.

9) Pre-lash booty check texts
A sister to the “fishing text”, the pre-lash booty text is sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent “You out tonight?” sent to someone you fancy is again far from it.

It should be translated as, “Just checking your out in case I need to find u for some sex later.”
A gentleman receiving such a text will make it their mission to ensure they end up in the same club as the sender, bullying his mates into going to that club. Dates before mates is poor form in my book!

I pre-warn any girls thinking of sending this text! Lets be honest, you sound desperate!

10)The “reminder” text
Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The “reminder” text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning.

Examples:

“Say sorry to Kelly”
“U lent Boycey £40”
“Key is under bin”

11) The “I cant remember her name phonebook addition”.
Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be included. The “I cant remember her name phonebook addition” occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when you cant remember the name of the person you’ve just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarrassment of asking “What’s your name again?”, you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally figure out why you’re doing it!!!!

Drunken text messages can happen to anyone, although admittedly some more than others! Will we ever learn? I hope not!

Visiting the Houses of Parliament

All in all, it’s a bit of a ballache. In Australia, you just arrive sometime before 4pm and you get a nice, free guided tour for about 45 minutes. In the UK, there are different rules depending on where you come from, when you visit, what you want to see and whether you’re buddies with a Lord or not.

Non-UK citizens can only visit (for a fee) during the summer period. UK people, however, can visit all year round at no cost… but have to have their visit arranged by their MP or a Lord. Because we all know the local Lord, don’t we? And our MPs really do have nothing better to do than sort out day trips. No, really. They don’t.

My problem is that I want to go in about a week and a half, which could be short notice. Also, I want to go with a foreigner. So can they get in now it’s not summer even though I’m accompanying them? And do they have to pay if they can? And who is my MP seeing as I don’t have a residential address in the UK?

UK government do something sensible… but don’t fucking tell anyone

It seems that from Monday, the legal age to buy tobacco in the UK rises from 16 to 18. This is a good thing. But as someone in the story points out, “only one in five 16 to 18-year-olds knew about the change”.

Likewise. I read the news every day when I’m able and at the very least scan the headlines. This is the first I’ve heard of it, which bears this out. I probably look at what’s going on in the world and at home more often and more closely than most 16-18 year olds so how did I miss it? You can blame the government for lack of advertising, but surely the news agencies should have picked up on it?

OpenOffice

I’ve installed this a few times recently for people who didn’t know about it. If that dodgy MSOffice CD no longer works, or the hacked keycode you were using to install it now causes Word to shut down every time someone on your network opens their copy up – what you need to do is go to OpenOffice.org and download their nice, free Office-a-like product.

The full Windows download (also available for various UNIXs and Apple) is 118Mb – a fraction of the size of Microsoft’s beast. It installs in next to no time and there is no need to even register it. All is purely optional.

It’s not 100% compatible with the MS suite, but it’s damn close to it. Anything most normal people want to to in Word, Excel and Powerpoint is available. Files from those programs can be loaded, and files saved back into those formats from within OpenOffice. In addition, there’s a maths formulae editor and a database product.

Give it a try. Even the shortcut keys and interface is much the same!

While you’re at it, consider ditching the bloated IE7 for Firefox and Outlook for Thunderbird. Now there’s a decent calendar plugin it’s a very satisfactory replacement if you don’t want to rely wholly on an online email solution.