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Trick or treat!

Ghostly pumpkin

Ghostly pumpkin

Fucking trick, ya cunt!

Things work differently in Scotland to the craphole estates in England that I got used to over the last few years. In England, “trick or treat” translates as “give me some sweets or cash or I’ll shit through your letterbox and kill your cat”. In Scotland, it boils down to “let me tell you a joke, do a dance or in some way entertain you in return for which I expect some sweets”.

Annoyingly, I got hoards of the scrounging fuckers in England (including one daft cunt who turned up around October 10th, dressed in an authentic-looking “young chav” costume), but never see them in Scotland where I think the kids would be much cuter and deserving of free stuff.

At least there doesn’t seem to be a huge line in “Happy Hallowe’en” cards as has infested the United States in recent years. Sure, they exist, but they’re not commonplace. Anyone buying one for me would find their face rapidly resembling a carved pumpkin. A month after Hallowe’en. Only with more blood and knife-holes.

Is it too early in the year for me to be saying “Bah, humbug”?

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