Fantastic news

A couple of months ago, one of the kids I worked with at Blue Dragon was seriously assaulted by a random gang of thugs. Apparently it was a case of mistaken identity as they’d been paid to kill someone else who just happened to look similar to poor Ngoc. No consolation for the poor lad who lost a kidney, suffered damage to both lungs and amazed medical staff by actually recovering.

He returned home recently, but the good news for the day is that the police have managed to catch all three of the filthy bastards who did this to him.

Now I’ve not heard great things about the police in Vietnam. They tend to be jobsworths, or just use their position as an excuse to bully or cajole money from people. I don’t want to tar them all with the same brush, but it’s sadly a popular image.

However, I’m guessing that the huge attention Ngoc received while in hospital may have made them realise that this one case needed special care. It’s a shame it was necessary, but the show of numbers from the staff &amp children, and as far as delegates from foreign embassies who visited and passed on gifts perhaps gave the police the kick they needed to go out and do some work.

And it paid off.

I wish I could come face to face with the bastards who did this to Ngoc. In a locked room, away from public view. With a lead pipe and no Colonel Mustard leering over my shoulder as I bludgeoned their knuckles to a pulp. But to do so would be to step outside the law that the police have maintained very well in this case.

I’ll just have to be happy in the knowledge that the prisons over there are a shitload worse than the holiday camps we have in the UK. I hope the fuckers rot in there for all eternity.

And I can’t wait to see Ngoc again in July. I can’t tell you how happy I am to know I’ll be able to do that.

Thugs R Us (and we don’t like cripples)

Oh, joy. Not only have we got Joey Barton back but we’ve hired one of the few players who could actually compete in the Professional Fouling Stakes with Roy Keane. Well, let it be said that (aside from the actual football recently) things are never boring at Newcastle.

Barton’s a liability, pure and simple. Keegan’s quote that "I think we will see a new Joey Barton at the end of this" is perhaps true in the sense that he’ll know what a prison uniform is like to wear and how it feels to be someone’s bitch for 18 months.

As for Wise… well, there’s no denying he’s done a good job at Leeds but I simply just don’t like him in the same way I didn’t like Lee Bowyer. Come on, the guy looks like the Prince of Darkness with those scary eyes. It also seems that Keegan himself doesn’t know why we’re offered Wise a job, or as what. All should be made clear later today, but it doesn’t mean I like it.

Finally, the BBC just ran a quick survey to see how many Premiership grounds match up to the disabled requirements (not legal, but requested) put forward in 2003. Two of them. Out of twenty. Surprise, neither is a top-flyer either. Well done Bolton and Blackburn. A tip of the hat to Chelsea for their free ticket scheme for the few disabled supporters who can gain entry as well; also to Arsenal for being so close to the target with 96%.

The main focus seemed to be the availability of spaces for wheelchairs, though. This only counts for some of the disabled fans, though. Feel free to refer back to a couple of older posts on here for details of a discussion I had with NUFC in October regarding "walking disabled".

School 1977 vs. School 2007… and bubbles!

Adam sent me this one. Like the religious thing from a few days back. I just don’t now if it’s scary or funny. It’s far too bloody accurate, though.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 – Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 – Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1977 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1977 – Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 – Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.

1977 – Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2007 – Mohammed’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 – Ants die.

2007 – MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 – Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.


On a lighter note, check out this amazing dolphin video.

Damp squib or warmup

OK, so after all the hype Keegan’s first game in charge ended in a 0-0 stalemate with Premiership giants, erm… Bolton. Sure, I was hoping for a four-goal towelling of the Wanderers, and a lot of the match predictions I saw were following suit. But there are a few points worth bearing in mind:

1) Our squad is about half-size at the moment due to suspensions, injuries and the Africa Cup of Nations. We only had one first-choice central midfielder to choose from.

2) The guy’s only just taken charge and the players have to get used to new tactics and methods of play. Which leads me on to…

3) Who watched the match and saw us play any long balls forward? Midfield play was almost completely ball-to-feet short- and mid-range passing. Much better to watch and verging on exciting on the few occasions when we didn’t gift possession to a white shirt (incidentally, don’t Bolton’s tops look like relabelled spares from the old England back-catalogue?). The issue is that our squad isn’t used to playing this style so they need training and matches to get into it.

So, yes, the match was disappointing but it definitely showed positive signs of things to come. With £20-30 million to squander before the end of the month, hopefully Keegan will get in some more talented (and likely attack-minded) players!

Oh, for fuck’s sake

The News of the World (that reputable piece of shit that any sane person wouldn’t wipe their arse with in case they caught a strange disease) has released a shitty drawing of the man who (allegedly) kidnapped Madelaine McCann. Or maybe they’re just after selling a few more of their turd-rags after interviewing an attention-happy shit-stirrer who happened to stay 600 yard from the McCann’s flat and who needs some more money for next year’s holiday.

Now let’s be fair – the local police have been utterly crap at doing anything so far (at least, so the McCanns have led us to believe), but even so you’d think they’d have interviewed the neighbours before the fucking toilet paper publishers we class as journalists in this country got to them. By now, the person in the pictures would have had a haircut and used the money from selling the child to the child-traffickers in the Middle East to get his buck teeth fixed.

Well done, NotW. You look like a bigger bunch of cunts than usual, dragging this story back into the limelight. Getting desperate, were we?