Can it get any worse?

Newcastle United crest: 1983 1988.

Now is not a time to be a Newcastle United fan. Good grief.

I didn’t get to watch the game last night as it was on at around 3am over here, and the only places in Bali open that late are playing thuddy dance crap and not showing football matches. From what I’ve read, it was a shit game anyway – quoting NUFC.com “the least worst team prevailed”.

Now there’s news that Terry Venables is to helm us until we get new ownership. While he kept Boro afloat after Bryan Robson did his best to sink them, he didn’t enjoy as much luck at Leeds (if my memory serves).

Add to that the rumours kicking around (mainly from Obafemi Martins‘ agent) that a Nigerian conglomerate are looking at buying us out and we start to look like a sodding soap opera again. Yes, they’ll put Kevin Keegan back at the helm. Yes, he supports their plans. No, I don’t believe a word of it.

Call me cynical or overly web-history-sensitive, but if someone mentions “Nigeria” the first two words that spring into my mind are “scam” and “corruption”. Unfair, perhaps, but there you go. Are we sure this isn’t some email thing?

Hello my respected wonderful colleeg,

My name is Bolngwu Ebanji and I am a lawyer of most respected degree reprezenting my  candidates of high standing who are very rich indeed. We have seen the problems besetting your most wondrus soccer squad and wish to help.

We wish to purchase your club for the sum of UK450million (four hundred and fifty million British pounds) and offer this in all of good faith and good intenshuns in which I am sure you will except it.

Unfortunately, all of our money is held in the country by lawyers operating for the head of our conglomeratz’ uncle, Mr Debolo Mungkawi, who passed away and joined our Hevaenly Jesus, one year ago. So that we may proceed to release this cash, please can you be send us the banking details of your soccer club?

We need the name of the account, account numbers, sort codes, access codes, copies of signatures, fax numbers, voice recordings of those authorised to access it and so forth. These we all need with all due haste so that we may begin proceedings to move the money from our country to yours.

In exchahge for this we will give you Kevin Keegan and the sum of UK50m (FIFTY million British Pounds) to spend on new players and moonshine.

Waiting to hear from you with news of our upcoming good future and partnership

In God and Jesus,

Roy KeaneBolngwu Ebanji (Mr)

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7 thoughts on “Can it get any worse?”

  1. Damo – no, you’re mixing them up with Liverpool. They play at the HyperKop MegaMall Stadium.

    Andy – No, it’s aforementioned rich person’s fault for not having a fucking clue about how a football club should be run. Yes, he sank cash into it – and for that I’m grateful to him. But he then tried to change the entire way the manager he brought in was supposed to work. Hence he upped and left, the squad was in disarray as the system in place to purchase players just didn’t *work* and we got dumped in the shit.

    That’s why we hounded the fuckwit out. Heonly bought the club because someone he’s got a huge personal rivalry with owns another one and he wanted to “one-upmanship” him. The club was a toy.

  2. Or we could just get taken to the cleaners by some of the most corrupt people on the face of the planet. The Nigerians, not the Bush administration.

  3. Right – I’ve decided to buy the club.
    I’ve got billions in the bank (I only work because I want to keep busy).

    Did you want to become the club manager?

  4. Nah. You’d only give me the job for 2 weeks until you brought King Kev back to make yourself feel popular.

    Besides, I’d not have the time while running for Prime Minister.

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