When I rule the world


Well, the UK at least. Come on, I can’t do a worse job that that fuckit who’s in charge at the moment that nobody voted for.

I’ve got a ton of ideas and I’ve listed them before but I’ve come up with another to add to the list. It’s a nice simple one. You know how the scrotes from the council estates who live off your tax money always go on about how everyone has to be polite to them? Shop workers, benefit officers, council staff and so on? And if they’re not then they complain and get recompense and apologies and waste more money and time?

Well, fight back time. All council staff will have a simple class in how to be insulting. Only those with a sharp with will be hired. People who can cut someone down verbally with barely a bat of the eyelid and who don’t mind putting someone in their place. Staff will be actively encouraged to tell someone they’re a “fucking workshy waste of space” and that until they tidy up their pit of a garden and repaint the doorframes of the house they’ve been given they can “whistle for your fucking dole money, you cunt“.

Make them learn that respect is earned and that being a dole-scrounging chav wanktard puts you right down the bottom of the list of people who deserve it. Somehow connecting money and respect may give these shitstains a fucking clue. It’s the only thing they seem to understand. Take away the stuff they get for nothing and watch their entire crappy lifestyle fall apart to the point where they might actually get off their bastard arses and fucking wash.

Or top themselves.

I’m happy to accept either.

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This Gerrard thing


Anyone following the news in the UK, particularly the football side of things, will know that Steven Gerrard was arrested and then charged with assault over the last couple of days.Fine and dandy, this kind of thing happens. I don’t know the full story and I doubt anyone who wasn’t there does either.

However, Liverpool FC‘s statement that they’ll give him all the support he needs as he’s been good to them for 10 years does stick in the throat a little. If he’s guilty of beating crap out of someone for no other reason than he was drunk then why should he be treated any more differently than the likes of Joey Barton? OK, Barton’s a serial wanker with a history whereas Gerrard’s generally not in the papers for anything off the football field. But assault is assault.

Given the fact he’s been charged, I’d assume a plea of self defence has been written off which means he did cause one man to go to hospital with facial injuries. Many employers up and down the land -particularly those in the public eye – would be looking at a similar situation and thinking about how they could terminate his contract.

The world of football is different, however, as so much is invested in the individual. Is this fair? Sure they have to protect their investment but why should one person get away with damaging another just because – in essence – he’s rich?

Of course, even if he’s found guilty I expect nothing more than a slap on the wrist, perhaps a fine and maybe a community service order. There’s no way he’ll serve jail time. If Joey Barton can get away with all bar one of his efforts to cripple someone and Lee Bowyer can stamp on an Asian kid and walk free them Saint Gerrard is hardly going to do time.

Our justice system and class system really combine well to screw the common man over. I always thought everyone was meant to be equal in the eyes of the law, but I guess that’s just not the case if you have a ton of cash behind you.

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Assault on Precinct 13

Assault on Precinct 13 (2005 film)

I started watching Assault on Precinct 13 (the 2005 remake) on Film4 the other night, but a little over halfway through it all went to cock and the cancelled the showing. It took them 15 minutes to announce this – I reckon they’d sent one of the temps off to Blockbuster to try and rent a copy but it was too late.

So I downloaded it to catch the tail end. I don’t feel bad about it – I was watching it on a Freeview channel anyway, and I’ve deleted it now I’ve finished. No different to taping it off the telly.

I saw the original John Carpenter version ages ago and it’s a cracker. The remake’s just as enjoyable and has most of the scenes from the original… but that does raise the issue of “what’s the point?” Unlike the two Italian Job films, for instance, which share pretty much nothing apart from a title and a brand of car, Assault is more along the lines of The Hills Have Eyes or Psycho (although nowhere as much as shot-by-shot as the latter).

The cast are great. The story’s good. The action’s taught. The bit at the end still makes you go “why didn’t they do that earlier?” like in the first film. The bit with the ice cream van is missing though. However, it doesn’t achieve anything the first one didn’t.

Certainly worth watching, I’d say the only thing it has going for it over the original is a lack of Carpenter-composed synthesiser music. Every bit as good as the 1976 version… just a bit pointless in its existence.

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Hammered by Scousers

Liverpool emblem

No refereeing complaints on this one. Mark Halsey had a good game and kept the match flowing as well as he could. It’s just that we were crap and Liverpool were on fire.

My man of the match? Shay Given. His opening 30 minutes showcased some of the best keeping I’ve seen all season. I think (and sincerely hope) he’ll stay rather than wandering off to a better-playing and more successful club. Part of me wouldn’t blame the guy but we’d struggle to replace him.

If there’s an upside then it’s that we’ve helped Liverpool’s goal difference and nudged them back above Chelsea. I’d rather see them take the title than the rich London lot again. I won’t sour things by mentioning Steven Gerrard being arrested for assault in the early hours of this morning *cough*

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What movies have I seen?

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I pinched this one from Andy, who’s supposed to be a cine-geek but who scores surprisingly low on this meme. I’m not the cinephile I once was – time is a factor – but there are a lot of older flicks on here so I should score well.

Here goes:

Mark the ones you’ve seen. There are 239 films on this list. Copy this list, and see how many you’ve seen…

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease [well, enough of it to say I’ve seen it – not right through]
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest
(x) Boondock Saints [awesome film, definitely check it out]
(x) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane

Total: 10

(x) The Princess Bride
(x) AnchorMan [utter shit – ended up seeing it right through on the second attempt as I was at someone’s house]
( ) Napoleon Dynamite [gave up after 15 mins – fucking awful]
( ) Labyrinth
(x) Saw — I hate horror films, what do you think?
(x) Saw II
(x) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
( ) The Princess Diaries
( ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

Total so far: 17

(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(x) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie [and hence why I’ve not seen 2, 3 and 4 – complete bollocks]
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie — it was for work purposes, because I was interviewing Shannon Elizabeth
(x) American Pie 2
(x) American Wedding
(x) American Pie Band Camp [also seen the next one… American Mile?]

Total so far: 25

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
(x) Harry Potter 5
(x) Resident Evil 1
( ) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
( ) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch

Total so far: 33

(x) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
( ) Signs
( ) The Grinch
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre [original and remake]
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning [this is the prequel to the remake, yes?]
( ) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
( ) 13 Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
(x) Robots

Total so far: 38

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(x) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
(x) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
(x) KING KONG [shitty Peter Jackson remake]

Total so far: 47

( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
(x) Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
(x) Final Destination 2
(x) Final Destination 3
(x) Halloween
( ) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
(x) Flubber

Total so far: 54

(x) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
( ) Chicago
(x) Ghost Ship
(x) From Hell
(x) Hellboy
(x) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards

Total so far: 60

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child’s Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
(x) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
( ) Sixteen Candles
( ) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask

Total so far: 65

(x) Bad Boys
(x) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
(x) Lucky Number Seven [think this should be Lucky Number Slevin]
(x) Ocean’s Eleven
(x) Ocean’s Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I
(x) Predator II
( ) The Fog
(x) Ice Age
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George

Total so far: 77

(x) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
(x) Christine
(x) ET
(x) Children of the Corn
( ) My Bosses Daughter
( ) Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2

Total so far: 84

( ) Best Bet
( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) She’s All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
(x) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
(x) The Terminator 3

Total so far: 93

(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
( ) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
(x) Reign of Fire
(x) The Skulls
( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2

Total so far: 105

( ) Swimfan
( ) Miracle on 34th street
(x) Old School
( ) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf’s Tribe
( ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
(x) The 40-year-old Virgin

Total so far: 107

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Total so far: 113

( ) Baseketball
(x) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses [own, but not watched yet]
( ) Devils Rejects [same as above]
(x) Elf
(x) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
(x) American History X [excellent film – should be watched by everyone]
( ) Three

Total so Far: 117

( ) The Jacket [however, I have seen Jackie Chan’s “The Tuxedo” and that was shit]
(x) Kung Fu Hustle
(x) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch [started watching, gave up after 20 mins]
(x) Monsters Inc.
( ) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
(x) Willard [unheralded classic – rent it now]

Total so far: 123

( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
(x) Hulk
(x) Dawn Of the Dead
( ) Hook
( ) Chronicles Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(x) 28 days later
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
(x) Waterworld

Total so far: 127

(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
(x) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
(x) Kingdom of Heaven
(x) The Hills Have Eyes [remake]
(x) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
(x) Re-Animator
(x) Army of Darkness

Total so far: 135

( ) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
( ) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
( ) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith [but played the PlayStation Lego versions]
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor

Total so far: 138

(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
(x) Animatrix
(x) Evil Dead
(x) Evil Dead 2
(x) Team America: World Police
(x) Red Dragon [original and remake]
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal

Grand Total: 148

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