Who the hell is…?

Would kick Eminem's ass any day

Well, after being out of the country for a couple of years and (happily) ignoring television, radio and the tabloids I find myself drowning in a sea of recently famous people. Now, whether they’ll be Beatles-famous or one-album-then-ditched famous, who knows.

One thing that’s getting me are the names they’re using. I know you have to make a name for yourself, and in some cases people take this literally. The stuff they’re coming up with these days is just pants, though.

I mean, who the hell is Lady Gaga? I don’t need to check out the radio stations to know I’d loathe her stuff. Assuming it’s a “she” and not a group?

Going through the charts we have Shakira – sounds like a dodgy bit of Manga; Dizzee Rascal – made that one up in the playground at school; Beyonce – I bet there are a million of those being born in council estates every day now; Mr Hudson – wasn’t that a character in Grange Hill?; Jeremih – inspired by Pearl Jam but unable to spell; Booty Luv – oh, come on…

What happened to the good old days when people had really ace nicknames? All the best ones being from the world of metal, of course. Come on – you can’t beat any of these lot with your namby-pamby radio-friendly claptrap:

• Lemmy – “…is God” according to Steve Buscemi in Airheads. Damn right.
• King Diamond – you simply can’t get any harder than that (chemistry joke).
• Dimebag Darrell – R.I.P. One of the coolest pseudonyms out there and one of the nicest guys.
• Count Grishnackh - So tough he even killed a guy called Euronymous.
• Tom Angelripper – 50 Cent wouldn’t dare share a room with this guy.
• Qualcast “Koffee Perkulator” Mutilator, Concorde Faceripper, Baron Kev Von Thresh Meister Silo Stench Chisel Marbels KP, Mightymo Destructimo, Explodin’ Dr Jaggers Flymo, Schizo Rotary Sprintmaster – collectively known as Lawnmower Deth. Do aliases seriously get any better than that? No. They don’t.

Care to argue? Well don’t bother – you’re wrong. Metal has the best nicknames and pseudonyms. End of. I’m not narrow-minded. I’m just right.

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