Category: Funny

Things I wanted to put on my travel blog, but couldn’t

I’m just blogging about climing Mt Fansipan in Sapa, and it was exhausting. I’d have liked to have used the following to describe the exertion, but it’s a family-friendly blog, so I can’t. It’s a shame to waste it, so here you go:

“There was more heavy breathing than the last time I ****** a fat girl in a sauna.”

I thank you.

Sometimes I worry myself

And not just by how lazy I’ve got at blogging. I’ve been meaning to check out my search engine thingies again for ages, but not got round to it until Chris posted about it. So I had a dig.

Surprisingly, I only have 53 search terms listed, but I think I’ve only been looking at the last month’s-worth. However, the scariest one – mainly as I come up as the 4th highest site in the results – is:

“ever done a fella up the arse with a strap-on”

Eek.

Mind, even this pales next to Dawn’s “my husband forced me to **** a midget”.

Mmmm… Lois

Anyone who watches quality television will know that Betty and Wilma have been out-“foxed” by Lois Griffin from Family Guy. This is one hot animated chick who really makes Jessica Rabbit look poorly drawn. You just know she’s filthy (mainly as she openly acts it on the show).

As a result, Mel and Matt bought me a 6-inch tall Lois figure from a comic shop when I was in Perth and left it tucked up in my bed for me when I got in. Then followed “jokes” about us joining the mile-high club on my flight to Darwin.

Let me just point out that a woman making jokes about a guy having sexual fun with a 6″ plastic toy is a little like the pot calling the kettle black. For your information, Lois is still virginally intact, her seal unbroken (she’s still in the packet). Mind, bum games with a model based on a Jewish woman with a stereotypically large nose makes me wince at the thought. Could be fun with the prostate though.

Great myths of our time

I should go on Mythbusters, but maybe on a smaller budget. I mean, who needs to really know if a hugh-tensile rope snapping can cut a pig in half, or if sticking a stamp to a helicopter rotor will make it fly out of control (except bad novelists and worse screenwriters).

No, we need someone to investigate the real myths of modern living. And on that score I have started on my new quest.

Today: A watched kettle never boils.

Horseshit. Yes it does.

I stared at the damn thing for the full 90 seconds or so without blinking and it did indeed boil.

Next week: Does the Pope **** in the woods? Assuming I can get the restraining order lifted.