Just a short post today. It’s the 60th anniversary of the end of World War II in Europe. We had an election recently – you may have noticed – and perhaps understandably a large number of people are groaning about the result. Forget all that today. Were it not for the thousands of people who gave their lives between 1939 and 1945 to win this war, we wouldn’t have had that election.
Instead, please – take a minute today and remember them.
I have been splattered by the Scumdogs of the Universe. I got home in the early hours of Wednesday morning, soaked to the skin. My clothes, skin and hair coated in blood, mucus, baby vomit, space alien jizz, hydraulic fluid… And with a big smile on my face. Everyone must know about Alice Cooper‘s legendary live show. And many will be aware of Ozzy’s habit of spraying the crowd with water. OK, now imagine some kind of hybrid.
The songs are instantly forgettable. I won’t be rushing out to buy an album. However, the stage show is amazing. It must cost a fortune to set up, and the tickets were less than a tenner. I’ll need to dig out the old one from the last time they toured (13 years ago!) and see how the prices compare.
In last night’s show, we all got to see:
Some nameless guy getting beheaded and covering the audience in blood
Arnie having his chest ripped open and covering the audience in blood
Saddam Hussain having his chest sliced off with a hige sword and his head ripped off. Squirt, squirt
Paris Hilton, nailed to a table, her legs ripped off and being made to go down on herself as the now diembodied crotch was forced into her face. While she sprayed blood over the audience
Michael Jackson pleading that he was a nice guy before having his face ripped off. More blood and copious vomit from his baby’s mouth
Dubya having his cock ripped off, then his limbs removed, while… you guessed it
An insane looking woman apparently with Mad Cow Disease giving birth to a smoking fish (?!) before being ripped apart and etc.
Ronnie Reagan, reanimated at the Reaganator. Imaging Transformers’ Optimus Prime with Ronnie’s head. He has both his arms cut off (green hydraulic fluid everywhere) and then killed (blood)
A troll, beaten to death and then a huge sword shoved down its throat
Add to this the lead singer’s huge alien penis showering the crowd in alternating blue alien cum and bright red blood, plus a microphone stand with an eyeball squirting blood everywhere and the venue was a little bit of a mess by the end. As was everyone in it.
Anyone who’s seen Peter Jackon‘s original films (Bad Taste, Brain Dead(UK)/Dead Alive(US), Meet The Feebles) would love this. Actually, any sick fuck would love this. I know I did.
More blood and piss than a dead pope’s underwear. And you lot think I’m uncultured. Shame one you.
Another of those daft stories on the radio. Tesco recently trialled a scheme where they put “traffic lights” on their own-brand food products. The basic idea was that green indicated healthy foods with certain ingredients (fat, salt, sugar and so on) below a certain lever. Red, obviously, was the reverse. After the trial, they’ve decided to abandon it.
The reason cited? Customers were confused as to what amber meant.
Did they test this scheme in darkest Cornwall where the inhabitants all have extra fingers in place of brain cells? Green – one end of scale. Red – other end of scale. Orange… in the middle.
How bloody hard is that?!
I bought some of those new “Nobby’s Crisps” today – grilled steak flavour. They’re quite nice as well. Bizarrely, they have a little story on the back that tells you where the term “hat-trick” comes from. Which is nice. The Nobby’s Nuts I had the other night gave me details of how to plaster a wall.
The nuts are an obscure idea. Taking one of nature’s healthiest foods, then wrapping it in a fatty batter with a load of artificial flavours. Lovely.
One other thing I noticed on the crisp packet, though, was the fact that they’re “suitable” for vegitarians. Hang on – what’s the point? You could make them any old flavour, say they’re “steak” and sell them to veggies – they shouldn’t be able to tell the difference. It’s not like they have the “real thing” to compare against.
While I’m on a roll, if you’re a veggie answer me this – why bother with veggie sausages, bacon and so forth that’s made to look and taste like meat? I mean, you know it’s not meat, it doesn’t taste right so why not just take it for what it is and have it served up as mulch?
Now, I’m not having a go at veggies – people have very good reasons for their dietary choices – but it just seems like they’re trying to fool themselves in to thinking they’re eating meat so that they fit in. Is that a fair thing to say?
Ironically, I remember noticing a couple of years ago that virtually every meat-flavour crisp from a major manufacturer was veggie-friendly, while the pickled onion flavour wasn’t.
Here’s a bit of friendly advice. Ten quid on a pair of shoes seems like a bargain for about 6 months until they start to look like the Hulk’s post-metamorphosis.
Plastic shoes may be kinder to cows and stuff, but I’m splashing out on leather next time. And I don’t mean that in a pervy “glad I got the wipe-clean car seats” kind of a way. Unless I have nice company.
I appreciate that virtually no bugger will know about this as it’s just not “pushed” as much as Paddy’s Day. I’m all for making it a public holiday in England – not necessarily an additional one, but move an existing one. And, yes, the Irish should have Paddy’s Day off, the Scots should be able to get wasted on St Andrew‘s Day, and the Welsh ought to be free to bugger sheep and snort daffodils on St David‘s Day.
These days we’re losing our national identities. Europe’s swallowing us all up to some extent, but even within the UK it’s all going to shit. The Scots and Irish aren’t too badly affected, but England and Wales are being merged into one (partly as they’re always classed together). I also resent the fact that the Scots have their own parliament over which we have no say, yet they have a voice in a parliament that affects England and Wales.
If things are going to go that way, you can wave goodbye to Great Britain. We either need one single parliament again, or four separate ones for individuality plus one British parliament for decisions over the nation as a whole.
But what the hell do I know? What scares me is that the only party in the upcoming election fighting for a St George’s Day holiday (that I’m aware of) is the BNP. Don’t worry – I’m not that desparate to save my national identity that I’ll vote for those racist thugs.
Go celebrate your nation’s patron saint (if appropriate) by kicking crap out of a Combat 18, NF or BNP member today. They’re all the bloody same. Then go and read more about St George at Wikipedia, from where I pinched the attached image.
It seems that dogs and cats are equally liked, while almost as many people prefer to think of them as meals with the other people they like. Remind me never to mention “eating pussy” to those people.
And now the new one. I’ve got a couple and I picked this at random. I’m afraid it may only make sense to those in the UK as it refers to a particularly British delicacy – Midget Gems. In particular the proper ones from Lion with the “proper” black one. Not the shitty soft ones which are all “sugar” flavour and cost about 2p/lb. Oh, incidentally, don’t buy them from that link unless you’re abroad. Morrisons regularly bung them on 3 for 2 in big bags for a quid each.
Americans may know the black one as “liquorice” or “African-American” as I believe use of the word “black” is restricted on your shores. As is calling hard drives “slave” and “master” in California. I shit you not, that one’s true.
The question, though… do you like the liquorice one? Do you throw them all away? Eat them first? Leave them for someone else? Or are you like Brian and only eat the green ones?
Taxis getting the horn (or not)
Taxis in North Wales have been threatened with an ASBO if they use their horns to attract passengers’ attention. And they’re whinging about it, complaining they’ve never acted illegaly. If that’s the case, it makes them the only taxi companies in the entire fucking UK not to parp their bastard horn instead of coming to the door.
In fact, I heard an interview with one of the taxi company owners who’d received the warning letter (6 weeks ago – it’s only just made the news). He said that residential customers generaly are waiting for the cab so there’s no need to beep. When they go to a pub or club pickup, then a short beep is all that’s needed to get the attention of people inside.
Ah. So they do beep their horns? While parked? And not to warn other motorists of their presence? After street lights have come on? I refer Hizzonor to Section 92 of the Highway Code:
Use only while your vehicle is moving and you need to warn other road users of your presence. Never sound your horn aggressively. You MUST NOT use your horn
while stationary on the road
when driving in a built up area between the hours of 11.30 pm and 7.00 am
…which pretty much makes that guy look like a prick.
Roll up, roll up. Your results are in. With more of a spread than in the previous poll, it seems that most of you side with me in saying that this stuff should be left on the shelves, but a slightly larger proportion of you think that at least some action should be taken about it.
And now for a new poll. In the news recently has been home security – that’s security of the household rather than some kind of fascist policy that removes all of your citizens’ human rights. That one’s homeland security. Just ask George “The Chimp” Bush about his PATRIOT act.
Anyway, in the UK it’s generally been the accepted rule that if someone tries to break into your house and you do anything other than hand them old aunt Maud’s jewellery collection, your stash of DVDs and the stereo then you’ll end up in court. Hell, if they strain their back hoiking your widescreen TV into the back of the van they nicked for the job, you can expect to find youseld on charges of neglect or assault.
The poor dears.
Anyway, after recent court cases someone has decided that wouldn’t it be a good idea if we were actually allowed to protect our homes, family and property without worrying about the consequences of giving some thieving chav a broken jaw. The Tories started it, the mostsenior police officer in the ocuntry voiced his support and then Labour spotted the bandwagon about to leave town without them on it so jumped aboard.
What’s reported so far is a moderately simple change: to alter the fact that you can defend yourself “with reasonable force” to the fact that you can do what you want to the toerags as long as there is no evidence of “gratuitous violence”. I take this to read “as long as they don’t find the corpse” but I may be twisting the words in my favour somewhat.
Anyway, the poll – what would you decide is gratuitous? Where should the limit be? Or do you feel we should leave it on the basis that if scum know they’re more likely to get a fight then they’re more likely to come armed?
On the same subject I was watching Crime Scene Academy from last night and heard a great story set in America. Two scum broke into a guy’s house and held him at gunpoint demanding “the money”. They knew he had a safe in the house and made him lead them to it. They stepped aside and demanded he open it, which he did. They demanded he reach in and give them what was in there.
He did. It was a gun safe and contained, among other things, a 50mm semi-auto which was loaded and ready to use. A swift turn and a spray of bullets saw the two guys run off, one already mortally wounded with a nicked artery in his neck. The homeowner chased them through the house and put two bullets in the chest of the other. Both died.
Police verdict? Completely innocent. All the evidence backed his story up and they adjudged him to be protecting his property and himself. For once I am in awe of – get this – Americans with sense. Will wonders never cease?