Mine smells like eggs

…and all of it flowing from my poop-chute.

It’s been over a week since anything remotely solid passed from between my bum-cheeks. Leah came down with something when we were on Gili Trawangan and I think passed it on to me so that by the time we got to Gili Meno I really wasn’t feeling well. And I’m a really bad ill person. Leah will vouch for this.

Similarly to her, after some time with the runs a good old vomit suddenly made me feel better. I expected to perk up within a day or so and indeed since then and until now I feel pretty good in myself.

However, I still don’t think I’ve passed anything that wouldn’t pass through a reasonably-graded collander since. In face in the last day or so I’d go so far as to say sieve.

With an eye operation coming up on Saturday I could really do with ensuring my stomach, at least, is in working order. Here’s hoping the Immodium I have in my medicine bag is in date. At least they have Boots in Bangkok so I can get new ones if necessary.

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Water, water, everywhere

Mmm. Dribbly.

That got your attention.

While at Graspop and under the influence of too much beer, and having heard of the death of Michael Jackson (am I the last blog in the world to mention that?) I had a thought.

You know the “If they’re old enough to bleed, they’re old enough to breed” phrase? Does that include punching them in the face?

And with that, I shall go into hiding for a couple of weeks due to lack of internet access and time. Back when I am.

[Aside: when I did my original post, Zemanta decided I was interested in linking to "Michael Jackson (writer)". I narrowed the search to "underage sex" and it changed to links to Wacko Jacko. Strange, that]

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Underage sex

For sex toys only

If you want to make sure your Guitar Hero batteries don’t keep wearing out, ensure your partner’s sex toys all run on AAA batteries so she doesn’t keep nicking the AAs out of your controller.

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Handy Household Hints #176

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Things you didn’t need to know – no. 2146

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Things you didn’t need to know – no. 2145

Check for webcams

I’m no longer in Japan, having had to cut my visit short. But yesterday I was traipsing around a couple of areas of Tokyo. At one point I was in dire need of a poo, so I found a loo in one of the subway stations and squatted down. I had to squat as it was a squat toilet – generally the ones in the station are 1 “throne” to 2 “squat”.

Anyway, on finishing I spotted a plastic bag sat on the shelf next to the loo in the cubicle. Being curious (I was in a foreign country, after all) I peeked inside. And found an empty DVD package. With the cover reversed on it.

Interesting subject matter.

Now, I don’t know if the Japanese are as pun-tastic with their porn film titles as we are. Assuming they just go for the more literal naming schemes then this one could have been called “Webcan footage of Japanese schoolgirls trying to shit in squat toilets, missing and smearing it into the trough with paper towels“.

From the country that brought you the PS3, Tamagotchi and Subaru Imprezas. Niiiice.

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Jap porn

Not black

Liquorice (or licorice, if you’re an Aussie) is not black but very, very dark green. You discover this the day after you’ve eaten a full bag of it and notice the water in the loo is a rather strange colour.

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Ick

I only just found out who the fuck she is and I couldn’t really care much less aside from the following news story allows me to make a really tasteless post:

TV star Jade Goody, who has been diagnosed with cervical cancer, has said she fears she may not live to see her two young sons grow up. [BBC News]

I’ve seen the pictures and it’s awful. Not her scans. Her face. And someone fucked that? Twice?

Ew.

Hey, won’t you lot be glad when I get the fuck away from Kota Kinabalu to somewhere I don’t have as much free time and internet access?

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Jade Goody may die!

I did a pornshoot today. By which I mean I downloaded a load of porn and shot my wad looking at it. If that’s not a pornshoot I don’t know what is.

Again, sorry for not posting a lot recently. Excessive travelling, hectic schedules and being a lazy cunt all factor into the equation. I’ve also got a teeny hangover from a cold I had around a week ago. To whit: one nostril which keeps dribbling. I swear I’ve swallowed half my bodyweight in bogies in the last week.

Yeah, I know. I should be blowing it into a bag and sending it to Ethiopia.

Hey, and how come if you blow into a hanky and put it back into your pocket the Chinese look at you in disgust? These fuckers hack their guts up for minutes at a time and blow phlegm out into pots in the street. Well, not in Beijing any more. The government took all the pots away and started trying to fine random gobbers in an attempt to clean the place up before the Olympics.

Result? A few bob in the coffers and a shoe/snot problem every bit as bad as the shoe/chewing gum problem in the UK.

Mind, this is the same government that decided to try and reduce air pollution by banning huge amounts of traffic from the city ahead of the games. Nice idea, but banning it 2 weeks ahead of time is like trying to clear up Chernobyl with a vaginal sponge.

This is what you get for insisting on a random post when I’ve not had a chance to check the news recently. At least I’ve left Bangkok so I can’t run up to Bush and kick him in the head. Bastard.

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• Beijing Leads in Race for Most Polluted Olympics (blog.wired.com)

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Pornshoot

We all know how tasty and satisfying a good sniff is. Or a lovely delve into the nostrils to howk out a sizeable bogey to chow down on as an aperitif. So it really annoys me that with all the starving in the world, the likes of Ronaldo (both of them), Rooney, Beckham – hell, even our own dear Shearer – can be guilty of a horrendous waste of snot.

Many is the time I’ve seen a professional football player snorting a nostril or two full of sticky nose-juice onto the ground during a game. I know they’re rich and I know they drive stupid cars and wear suits that cost more than I earned in a year. I know they can wipe their arses with gold credit cards and use a fresh condom every time they have sex. But to be seen on TV throwing good food on the ground when there are millions starving in the Third World is nothing short of a disgrace.

A campaign should be started to force them to blow it out into a bag. After the game, it could be shipped to a needy child in Ethiopia or the Sudan who can’t generate enough bogies of their own for a good snort. Think of the children! Please, will someone think of the children? And the bogies.

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Selfish footballers