It’s been a while since I posted anything actually personal on this blog, but I feel this justifies a few words. I only wish I had a decent photo to go with it. Unfortunately all the pics I have of her are actual old-fashioned ones on paper, stored in a drawer a few miles away and I don’t have access to a scanner anyway.

Instead I’ll have to paint you a picture with words. She was 88, which is a great innings by any standard. The thing is, I don’t really remember her looking any different in all the years I knew her. She was just my gran. The little old lady with the white hair who fussed over me and kept buying me sweets. My kind of woman.

If I had to pick one character trait of my gran that stood out more than any other, it was that she always went out of her way to make other people’s lives easier. She was always there to help and hated being a burden on anyone else. Right up to the end she was fussing over us when we visited her in hospital as we were going to far too much trouble on her account.

One thing I remember her telling me only a couple of years ago is how her cooking wasn’t up to that of my other gran. She could “only” manage to rustle up a ham roll on the afternoon I visited.

Let me tell you something – and I bet all of you who know/knew your grannies will agree – a ham sandwich put together by a little old lady who means the world to you is more tasty and nourishing than any 5-course meal slaved over by some self-important TV chef.

I have loads of memories of my gran and I’m really happy to say that I managed to see her quite a bit over the last few months once I returned to the UK. Something I’d not have managed had I stayed down in England or continued travelling abroad.

Right up until the end I don’t think she appreciated how special she was to all of us. The thought simply wouldn’t have occurred to her. She was just… herself.

And that’s why I loved her and why I’ll miss her.

                          

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RIP Granny Annie 1921 – 2010

So why the protests? Well, if Catholics and other Christian denominations can feel justified in protesting outside of the likes of Jerry Springer: The Musical, Dogma and Life of Brian then surely those of other religious backgrounds (or no religious background) should be free to protest a film based on a book that contradicts their beliefs? Or, indeed, lack of them.

Having said that, I don’t know if I can picture crowds of atheists surrounding the Odeon, getting a bit hot under the collar about a film that insinuates that the Earth didn’t come into being 10 billion years ago. I think this may be because, unlike mad religious people, they’re generally happier to let other people live their own lives and make their own choices rather than force theirs on everyone else.

[Note - I'm not painting all religious people with one brush, here. But, come on, there are some nutjobs out there]

                          

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Get out the placards!

The Crazies - 1973 version

Bringing me up to seven films for the weekend (it’s a wonder I get any coursework done), I added The Lovely Bones, The Crazies and Crazy Heart to the “watched” list today.

The Lovely Bones

“As usual, Grandma Lynn was wrong.”

Plot-in-a-nutshell: A young girl is murdered but tries to help her friends and family find her killer.

The reviews I’ve seen of this to date seem to be “it’s rubbish” from those who’ve read the book and “it’s good” from those who haven’t. I’ve not and it’s OK. Don’t expect me to be able to compare against something I’ve not read.

There are some good performances, but top of the list has to be Stanley Tucci as the child killer. He’s suitably creepy without being over the top. Mark Wahlberg as the father puts on a good show and Saoirse Ronan is impressive as Susie Salmon, the central character. Nods to Susan Sarandon as the drunken chain-smoking grandmother.

Once Susie is killed an enters into a fantasy purgatory, it doesn’t take long for Peter Jackson’s influence to show. Anyone who’s seen his superb (and frankly, superior) Heavenly Creatures will recognise the way fantasy elements have been mixed in with real life.

The problem is that the story doesn’t need all of this and especially towards the end, everything starts to seem so drawn out. It’s art for art’s sake in places and the running length could be fifteen minutes less if the waffle was cut out.

Simply put, an enjoyable film but very self-involved.

The Crazies

“We’re in trouble.”

Plot-in-a-nutshell: Plane crash releases a chemical weapon that sends people kill-crazy. Cue gore.

This is a remake of the 1973 original with the same title. That one was directed by George A. Romero who has stepped back to production duties on this effort. I didn’t realise either of these facts until after I’d seen the film but it is very similar to his zombie movies so it doesn’t surprise me to find out he’s involved.

I’ve not heard of any of the cast before which does help in that I had less of an idea of who was going to get killed. Of course, given the roles they play it doesn’t take long until you narrow it down and know who’s going to make it through to the end.

The gore is fairly plentiful and the corpses pile up quickly. There’s a whiff of government/army intrigue making the film some kind of cross between Dawn of the Dead and 1995’s Outbreak. It is rather by-the-numbers, but the jumps and “eeeeew” moments are plentiful which is what you pay for when you go and see a film like this.

Don’t expect too much and you won’t be disappointed. And I did like the ending!

Crazy Heart

“Ain’t rememberin’ wonderful?”

Plot-in-a-nutshell: A couple of years in the life of a downtrodden, drunk, chain-smoking, divorced (of course) country & western singer.

Jeff Bridges has been winning plaudits for his performance of Bad Blake, the central character in this run-of-the-mill drama. He deserves them, playing the part well, but doesn’t raise the film up above the average.

My main problem with Crazy Heart was that there weren’t any real surprises. “Bad” is a stereotype. The events that occur come as little or no surprise. The ending is as predictable as it comes.

Still, it’s a nice enough ride to get there and the dialogue is sharp in places. There are also some lovely lines in there. It’s a shame that such good wordplay and impressive performances are hanging off a story that twists and turns like the edge of a ruler.

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Lovely Bones, Crazies and Crazy Heart

From Paris with Love

A busy day at the cinema today as I played catchup on some films. Four in all – Legion, Exit Through the Gift Shop, Chloe and From Paris With Love. Three more tomorrow if I can fit them all in, too.

Legion

“Don’t be afraid. I just want to play with the baby.”

Plot-in-a-nutshell: God’s a bit bored with humanity so decides to wipe it out – but one angel stands in his way.

Legion is fine a simple B-movie kind of way. Paul Bettany is about as far away from his verbose Chaucer (A Knight’s Tale) as could be while still managing to be cool and rather scary as a fallen Michael.

The entire film, near as dammit, takes place in a diner in the middle of nowhere where a pregnant woman holds the fate of humanity in her womb. Why, we don’t know. Just that if her child survives then God is a bit screwed in his attempts to wipe our humanity.

Actually, virtually nothing is made clear over the length of the film. If God sent a flood the last time he got pissed off, why is he sticking to vulnerable possessed human bodies this time?

Basically, the whole film makes about as much sense as the British legal system. Luckily it manages to be slightly more entertaining. Not bad if you switch your brain into neutral.

Exit Through the Gift Shop

Plot-in-a-nutshell: Mad video cameraman becomes mad artist

Rhys Ifans narrates this rather unusual documentary about a documentary about street art. The central character is one Thierry Guetta – who goes on to become Mr Brainwash, an artist who takes his inspiration from street art and makes a mint. He did the cover art for Madonna’s Great Hits a couple of years ago, doncha know.

Guetta begins as a compulsive cameraman with thousands of hours of footage of street artists at work. This he gains by telling them he’s filming a documentary. Which never existed. Frankly, the guy’s a nutter – but one who takes gambles that seem to pay off.

The film follows his adventures in getting this footage and then his own leap into the world of art.

Star of the show, though, is Banksy who Guetta befriended. As well as being quite a talented and controversial artist, the man has the most perfect comic timing. I think pretty much every one of his lines raised a laugh in the audience.

Not your normal cinema fare, but a very watchable documentary on a fairly contentious subject.

Chloe

Plot-in-a-nutshell: A woman suspects her husband of infidelity and hires a prostitute to see if he really is straying. With disastrous consequences.

I’ve never seen Fatal Attraction but I have a feeling this has pinched a bit from the basic plotline. Catherine (Julianne Moore) has an inkling that that her hubby (Liam Neeson) is cheating on her when he “misses a flight” home from work one weekend. In a bid to test him she hires a prostitute, Chloe (a very hot Amanda Seyfried), to approach him and see if he is prepared to stray.

Of course, it gets complicated.

Now it’s fairly predictable even if the acting’s OK. And the ending is a little bit of an “easy out”. But at least there’s a rather hot sex scene which did keep me awake for a minute or two. Hey, I have two little dogs sleeping in my bedroom at the minute. One of them snores and they both wake up at 6:30am.

This isn’t a classic but I’ve seen worse films of this type.

From Paris With Love

“Now tell me that’s not some impressive shit.”

Plot-in-a-nutshell: government worker gets dragged into “proper” secret agent work with his new less-than-mild-mannered partner.

Remember when you first saw Lethal Weapon? They way your straight-laced police officer partnered so well with a psycho? That magic is actually back (unlike the attempt they made with LW4) with John Travolta’s latest effort.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is James Reece, a diplomatic aide with aspirations to become a “proper” agent. His chance comes with the arrival of Wax (Travolta) on the trail of some drug pedlars and terrorists. Oh, and it’s set in Paris hence the title. And the nice scenery. And the excellent car chases.

Yes, I have decided that the best car chase scenes all seem to be in European films. Sure, the American ones are bigger but can you top the class of the likes of The Transporter, Ronin or The Italian Job (original version)? Trust me, you can’t. It’s my blog and I’m right.

Travolta is both utterly mad and incredibly cool. He swears a lot. He fires big guns. A lot. And he kicks much ass. While swearing. Profusely.

From Paris is the best kind of buddy/buddy action film. Utterly over the top, pretty violent, action packed, stereotype bad guys, throwaway lines and cracking dialogue. Oh, and a great reference to Pulp Fiction. Just as an extra.

Perfect popcorn viewing.

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Angels, artists, adultery and (secret) agents

Not for real criminals

I happened to read two stories in the news yesterday. Each annoyed the hell out of me. Combined, they made my blood boil.

First up, a piece of Neanderthal scum who drove a car at high-speed in a chase with police. During this chase, he drove at insane speeds on the wrong side of the road with no lights on. He damaged police and private property. He killed one police dog (well, broke it’s back so that it had to be put down). He injured two police officers. Oh, and of course the car was stolen.

He was sentenced to two years… suspended. And 200 hours unpaid work that he undoubtedly won’t do, a curfew he won’t stick to and a driving ban that’s irrelevant as I’d be amazed if he had a license anyway.

Criminal number two is a radio producer (or more likely was) who enjoyed a bit of a fling with a few of his work colleagues. Thing is, he had a couple of cameras set up to record the fun that he didn’t tell his otherwise willing partners about.

When his girlfriend moved in (the story’s not clear as to whether he was seeing her during the flings or after), he dismantled everything and stuck it all in a box in the loft. Note that he didn’t blackmail anyone, shove the pics on the internet, sell the stories to the tabloids or anything. Nobody was hurt. Nobody knew.

Until his other half found them in the loft. And told one of the “victims”.

Now understandably she was a little shocked and upset. But to go running to the police over it and somehow getting him convicted on criminal charges – not civil seems a bit harsh.

Wait, did I say “convicted”? Yes, I did. 8 months. In jail.

Contrast and compare – have no regard for people’s property, safety and lives; kill a serving police dog; cause actual bodily harm… and walk out a “free” man. Be a bit of perv who keeps mementoes of private events which remain private… and get shoved in jail.

Can anyone please tell me in what way, shape or form this makes any sense at all?

                          

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Crime and lack of punishment

                          

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The front fell off

"Flight delayed, sir? £5, please."

I had some fun and games getting down to Norwich on Friday (which will be detailed on another blog shortly), mainly due to French air traffic controllers being complete arses. Please, if you happen to know where one of these ignorant sods lives, please let down all of his tyres and see how he likes being delayed.

National Express assed to my misery somewhat by “fining” me for being on a delayed flight… and then allowed people who hadn’t changed their tickets onto the later coach for free. That isn’t on. Hence the following letter. Let’s see what I get back.

I booked a return from Stansted Airport to Norwich online a couple of days before travel. Unfortunately due to French air traffic controllers, my plane from Glasgow was delayed by three hours. I called your helpline who told me it was £5 to change my ticket to a later bus which I duly paid by debit card.

However, when I got to Stansted I found that several other people had fallen foul of the same delay and were boarding the bus happily without a changed ticket.

Given that this delay was due to matters outside of our control I felt that this was a nice gesture by your driver. However, I feel aggrieved at being charged £5 as I went through the “correct” channels. After a long delay (with no food due to EasyJet never being adequately informative about when the plane was actually going to turn up) this really added insult to an injurious evening.

Incidentally, your call centre staff and website also mistakenly listed my arrival time in Norwich as 02:40 when the bus arrived at 02:00 – which seems correct judging by the timings of earlier schedules. As a result, I ended up waiting in the freezing cold of the bus station for ages to be collected by a friend who’d expected me to turn up 40 minutes later.

I’m going easy on them as, in fairness, my ticket change and fee were within the sale conditions. I just feel “punished” for going through the correct motions to change the ticket when those who didn’t/couldn’t were given a freebie.

                          

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National Express – adding insult to injury

Solomon Kane

I saw this last week, but haven’t had time to draft up a review. So here it is. Better because it’s had time to mature. Or something.

Plot-in-a-nutshell: Bad man turns good then turns bad because badder men make him only it’s a good thing.

Robert E. Howard is most famous for bringing Conan to the world of fantasy. He did create a few other characters, such as King Kull, Sailor Steve Costigan and the Puritan warrior Solomon Kane.

Kane makes for an interesting hero. A sailor and soldier who has fought under Admiral Drake. He turns to a life of treasure hunting and greed, caring not a jot for the lives of anyone. Until he finds out that Satan’s decided that his soul would make a very tasty morsel, renounces all evil and locks himself away in a monastery.

The very opening scene is incredibly Indiana Jones-esque as Kane (James Purefoy) and his band of not-so-merry men find a temple ripe for the ransacking. As the men are plucked off, Kane concentrates on only gold and glory. This is the turning point in his life.

The character we encounter shortly afterwards is a changed man, hiding so that his soul won’t be nabbed and used as a toothpick by the Lord of Darkness. Kane can no longer lead the life he did. Kill another man and his soul is forfeit.

Kane is soon befriended by a small family (including Pete Postlethwaite), travelling home by horse and cart. Unfortunately for Kane, or actually more unfortunately for the family, nasty men are busy killing menfolk and enslaving their women. One such party provokes Kane to such a degree that blood is spilt and he finds himself on a quest while trying to keep the devil off his back.

It’s a simple plot, but played well. There are no great surprises and it follows sword and sorcery rules – which it should as Howard pretty much wrote the book on them. There are witches, mutants, wizards, devilspawn, lackeys, maidens, lords, intrigue, betrayal, swords, axes, zombies… it’s all there.

Like The Wolfman which I saw a short while before, this is as good an example of this genre as you’re likely to get in this modern day. Well made, well acted and lovely effects. Just right for switching the brain off and enjoying a little brutal action.

It really has me hoping that someone has the guts to make a new Conan film with a decent cast and a proper budget. As long as they stick closely to one or other of the books.

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Solomon Kane

The Wolfman is how you do a remake of a classic horror. Lon Chaney Jr would be proud as the traditional old tale has been given a modern-day budget, but thankfully is still set in Olde Englande.

Benicio del Toro plays a young (ish – he’s starting to get a bit wrinkly) man, summoned back to England from America when his brother’s body is found dead in a ditch. Rumours abound that the killing was done by a wild beast, the third in recent months. Blame falls partly on a group of gypsies (it’s not politically incorrect if it’s the 19th century) and then on the Talbot family.

The film has all you need for a romp of that era: pitchfork wielding locals, a screaming priest, a policeman from London town (Hugo Weaving – superb) who doesn’t fit in with the country folk… I also have to mention Anthony Hopkins just because he’s fantastic.

Oh, and great effects. American Werewolf in London can still hold its head high for the makeup and animatronics they used, but The Wolfman is the modern equivalent. The transformations are seemless and bloody, suitably horrific.

Some of the images that stick in the mind really hark back to the old Universal films, such as the werewolf clad in torn period clothing. A real homage without being a simple remake.

There’s a good mixture of tense, jumpy moments with outright hack and slash horror, too. It’s a fairly simple story, well told and fitting its running length perfectly.

If you like a “proper” horror movie, then this is definitely recommended.

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The Wolfman

Blurred Burton

This was my first visit to The Garage in Glasgow, and I’m impressed. Friendly door staff, swift service at the bar and superb security at the front of the venue. Thank you to all for their hard work.

Even more impressive was that my first pint only cost me £2, though this may have been because the Strongbow wasn’t working off tap so I was given a can poured into a glass. My second was £2.80, but that’s still a damn good price for a gig.

Sylosis were on stage when I got there (I missed the first support – they could only have had 20 minutes) and I was pretty impressed by this five-piece. Despite being on a stage the size of a postage stamp (and being limited to the perforations around the edges) they had the audience’s attention and got a good send-off when they finished. Good luck to them.

What followed was without a doubt the fastest set change I have ever witnessed at a concert. I just had time to buy that second pint when the lights went down and Fear Factory took to the stage. Which begs the question, “who does it usually take them 45 flipping minutes at other gigs?”

The set was a great mix of old and new. Three tracks, if I recall correctly, from the new Mechanize album and plenty of older favourites including “Martyr”, “Lynchpin” and “Self Bias Resistor”.

Of course, the best was saved for last with the final encore being “Replica“.

It was great to see Dino back in the lineup. It’s almost like he’d never left. Twenty or so years this lot have been going and they’ve yet to release a bad album. Some definitely better than others, but Demanufacture makes it onto my top ten of all time partly due to its originality (at the time) and influence.

Great to see that they can still put on a hell of a show.

I’m bruised, battered, stretched, aching, hoarse, exhausted and elated. I keep thinking I’m getting too old for this, then I get the hairs going up on the back of my neck as the opening chords of a favourite track erupt from the speakers.

I’m not too old. And it’s not too loud. Roll on Hatebreed/Machine Head next Tuesday.

                          

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Fear Factory, Glasgow Garage