Underwear and god

[Another one I wrote about 8 months ago… and forgot to post]

OK, that’s a weird title. The explanation meanders a bit, but bear with me.

Another news story on 5-Live this morning that has since not appeared on the BBC News web site (as usual) is about a woman who’s been given an ASBO preventing her from answering the door in her underwear. Now, I don’t know why this has happened. Maybe she’s a complete munter, or she only does it to people she doesn’t like, or perhaps her undies are a bit dirty. I don’t know.

Anyway, someone texted in to the station and mentioned that it’s actually not a bad way to get rid of god-botherers when they come a-knockin’. Now, this is fair enough, but I find there are much more effective ways, though none that may try to convince them to “unconvert” like a semi-naked jiggly lady.

Now don’t get me wrong. Much as I may lay into Jesus-freaks and bible-bashers occasionally, I really have no beef with anyone of any religion. I just hate it when they try to make it my business when a person’s religion is their own. Knocking on my door is akin to trying to sell me double-glazing for my soul that I don’t want. Both sets of people turn up uninvited, usually at an inconvenient time. Both refuse to take “no”, “I’m busy” and eventually “look, just **** off will you?” for an answer.

If I wanted “saved”, I’d find a church, much the same way that if I wanted double glazing I’d seek out a shop that sold it. And let’s face it – religion’s big money to some people these days. I believe the largest landowner in England today is the Church of England. I’m sure if we went through the books for the last 1000 years or so we’d not find many receipts for it either.

I digress. Frequently. Suggestions for getting rid of unwanted callers. Including ones on the phone. They’re ******* as well. I had one guy who rang me at the same time on a Tuesday night for three weeks and couldn’t take a hint. I always tick the “No – sod off” box on forms when they ask if they can deluge me with ***** or ring me up. Yet some people still think that they can (illegally) just ring me out of the blue.

This fella’s first line was always “I’d like to speak to Mosh”. My immediate response on the first occasion was “Well he doesn’t want to speak to you. Goodbye and don’t call me back.”

By law, if I state that I don’t want to be cold-called – which I did – they have to remove me from their register immediately.

A week later he rang back. My response this time was “He still doesn’t want to speak to you and if you call back again I will seek legal advice. Good bye.”

The next week, to him perhaps the third time lucky, I just told him to pass me on to a supervisor. I politely informed the gentleman… nah. Actually, I wasn’t polite. I firmly told the ****** that if they rang me again I’d see them in court. I had the times and dates of their calls and as I’d informed them twice that I didn’t wish to be contacted again, they’d have a nice hefty fine to pay.

Never called back.

Another one is to just say you’re busy and can they hold for a second… and then bugger off and leave the phone off the hook. Or ask for their number so you can ring them back… no, their home number. Be very persistent. Also inform them that for your security and training you’re recording the call. That always freaks them out. Note that if you are recording the call, it’s totally legal as long as the person on the other end is aware. If they aren’t happy being recorded, they’re the ones who made the call – all they have to do is hang up.

The fun one, though, is to waste as much of their time as you can. Not only does this ruin their wages (they get paid on commission), but it also reduces the time they have to spend annoying other people so you’re doing a bit of community service. Dick them around. Pretend you’ve got bad hearing. Make them repeat everything. Tell them you have to turn the oven down. Anything. Just keep them on the phone for an hour!

People at the door can be more fun as you can really piss them about. Back to the subject of the happy-clappers, I find that opening the door bathed in chicken blood is much more effective than any kind of lingerie, although some of them will run a mile from a guy dressed as Frank-N-Furter. One word of warning – others would see this as a challenge.

Threats can be great fun, but some will take genuine offense and the next person at your door could be wearing blue and carrying handcuffs (and not necessarily in a good way).

I, personally, find that a nice firm “**** off” does the job. As does just shutting the door in their face. I had one pair who asked if I had any friends or neighbours that I could point them in the direction of. “No,” I said,”I kind of like my neighbours. Why would I inflict you on them? As for my friends? I’d like to keep them.”

Humour often works well:

  • “Sorry, I’m allergic to bullshit”
  • “I’d talk to you but my boyfriend’s all lubed up upstairs and if he dribbles it makes a mess of the bedsheets”
  • “If I pray enough, will I win the Lottery? No? Well what’s the point then?”
  • “Are you proud of what you do? You are? Pride’s a sin, filthmonger! Get off my doorstep!”
  • “No offense, but I’ve got a severe phobia of bleeding to death. Also, I like easter eggs and I’d feel rude sending everyone’s xmas pressies back unopened” (jehovah’s witnesses, obviously)
  • “My arse still hurts from when I was in the choir as a little boy. None of the nice vicars seem interested in my now I’m older. Are there any priests with a fetish for older men? If there are, then sign me up. I’ve not had a good buggering in years”
  • “You’re cute. Wanna ****? I won’t tell god if you don’t”
  • “Don’t you believe that masturbation causes homosexuality? Because I **** all the time and I still **** women, so you must be wrong. And if you can get that wrong, I just don’t trust anything else you say.”

I expect to come home one day to find a big X painted on the door and “unclean” plastered everywhere…

One warning – the BNP. To those outside the UK, that’s the British National Party. Also known as Those Racist Nazi Thug Bastard Scum. Bear in mind that you can piss about with the religious people at the door and they’ll just go away. Do this to the BNP and you’ll likely wake to the sound of your car being trashed and crosses being burned on your lawn.

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******* legendary man – pure class!


I thank you, kind sir.



Putting unwanted callers “on hold” is always a fun game. Some are really impatient and give up too quickly, taking all the fun out of it, though !


They know not to ring back, though! Asking for a supervisor is always fun as it takes up their time. They hate that.

Lord Bargain

I once asked a Jehovah’s Witness if they liked ten-pin bowling.

“Not really, why?” they asked.

“Because I do,” I replied. “And the difference between me and you is that I don’t come round to your house and tell you that’s what you should spend your spare time doing…..”


*makes a note of that one for next time*

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