I went to the loo today, wiped and – as any health consious person does – had a quick check of the paper-borne smearage. It was black. Not dark brown, but black.
Ask a doctor. Black equals congealed blood and is very bad news. The thing is, it’s usually linked to things like stomach ulcers and they hurt like all hell. And the worst I’ve had in the last 2 days is a bit of trapped wind that I released with gusto in the Vic last night (and managed to blame on someone else).
Then I glanced into the bowl. Ah, not black. Very, very, very dark green. The water in the Great White God Telephone had diluted my plop and shown that my poop was (for the second time in my memory) actually just been hugely affected by food colouring.
There is a lesson to be learned here: eat 300g of soft-eating liquorice in one go and youre shit turns green. It’s not a great lesson, but it’s a lesson nontheless.
I still have a 300g bag of soft-eating strawberry liquorice. I wonder if I’m going to shit red tomorrow?