Shitty response

I got this message through the contacts link a while ago and have only just gotten around to doing something with it. It’s a response to Floaters from way back in January.

If for no other reason than the effort that has gone into it, I felt it deserved being posted. Also, I’m a lazy **** and haven’t come up with much new to post by myself recently…

To Mosher –
Splendid descriptive monologue of encounter with King Of All Poop. I have no wish to marginalize your horrific experience, however I believe I can, nay have had encounter with LORD of All Poop. I recently travelled Northwards into hithertofore unbeknownst (to me) land of Arctic Sun (Norway). Having been challenged most vocally with local ale-house patron as to the vicinity of nearest legal bum-relievement podule, I was (mis)directed towards a crepuscular shack which had dubious vapours emanating from it.

Unperturbed by an upwards creeping sense of foreboding, and a requirement not unlike your own (31st Jan), I entered aforementioned shanty-shed. O my golly-gosh, and (so forth) – a hole in the ground thinkest thou? nay my mate; an unimaginably LONG turd, the likes of which even the Creator of All Time And Space would observe with reverence HUNG resplendant before me on an iron spigot!. O but the True Horror was as yet haply to be revealed… there, upon the dingy floor was an EVEN longer brethren of Turd of all Turds… by all that is to be revered I swear, THIS log (were it of human origin?) was of BIBLICAL dimension.

A 16 inch snapper, i jest you not. Hey ho thinks I, Digital Camera Proof… and then the World be astonished as I were. Not to be. O no, just as my brain be thinking this artifact MUST be of Alien origin (or at the very least, Mutated Mountain Person Muck), AND whilst my frozen kex are riding into worlds of (to me) agonizing unbeknownst sub-zero terror, previous mentioned aboriginal ‘bar-keep’ have come striding into previosly stated hovel. In bemusement I watch as this Trogloditic character picks up Still steaming Megaplop off of the floor and hangs it up next to its cousin…?

Arugh! scream what is left of my sanity (belief temporarily suspended – no pun intended), and, iced-up to tea-towel holder kex or not I SWIFTLY engage in most rapid exit. I have no unliking for the Scandinavians, truth be I get on quite well with most, this MUST be an horrific nightmare out of world of Lovecraft… It IS not.

So whilst back gate screaming at me to let brown bear out NOW, I depart most swiftly as I am able to… leave behind (pun un-implied) most ALL backpack kit and negotiate down to ‘civilization’ whilst icy choco-poop threateans imminent arrival… Phew! whilst enroute to town proper, enter treeline and Blessed Be! Kex come down as fast as squirrel nutkin and Ordinary poop reveals himself.

All I have left to say is ‘Deliverance’? – bolox, I have SEEN the anatomy of TRUE grovelling horror and its existence upon this blue marble planet!
Regards,
Toejamonbread

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

0 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x