Trick or treat!

Ghostly pumpkin
Ghostly pumpkin

Fucking trick, ya cunt!

Things work differently in Scotland to the craphole estates in England that I got used to over the last few years. In England, “trick or treat” translates as “give me some sweets or cash or I’ll shit through your letterbox and kill your cat”. In Scotland, it boils down to “let me tell you a joke, do a dance or in some way entertain you in return for which I expect some sweets”.

Annoyingly, I got hoards of the scrounging fuckers in England (including one daft cunt who turned up around October 10th, dressed in an authentic-looking “young chav” costume), but never see them in Scotland where I think the kids would be much cuter and deserving of free stuff.

At least there doesn’t seem to be a huge line in “Happy Hallowe’en” cards as has infested the United States in recent years. Sure, they exist, but they’re not commonplace. Anyone buying one for me would find their face rapidly resembling a carved pumpkin. A month after Hallowe’en. Only with more blood and knife-holes.

Is it too early in the year for me to be saying “Bah, humbug”?

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10 thoughts on “Trick or treat!”

  1. Not saying that I ever really embraced Halloween but I started ignoring the doorbell many years ago after some little chav kid turned his nose up at my ‘treat’ (couple of bags of Jelly tots and maltesers) and said that he had too many sweets already, could he have cash instead? So I gave him 20p.

    And don’t even get me started on ‘penny for the guy’….grrr!

  2. Scotland’s way better – at least they put the effort in and the kids that do it all seem to be in the 5-10 year old bracket – and usually accompanied by an adult.

    As for penny for the guy, I find a simple “fuck off” suffices.

  3. I refused to open the door for anyone who looked older than 10 and didn’t have a parent waiting at the bottom of my front garden. Little kids dressed up are cute, when teenage chavs knock on my door it is not.

  4. Oh for the old days of boiling oil and small windows you could fire arrows through.

    Sorry. Spent a day in York at the weekend.

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