Coffee ‘n’ sugar

Coffee sugar

I don’t like coffee. I love the smell, will eat coffee cake and – although they’re not my favourite by any stretch – I’ll even eat coffee creams. However, it’s not a drink I enjoy.

To whit, another in my extremely limited series of culinary hints and tips:

How to make a cup of coffee in a shared kitchen

1) Use a ******* dry teaspoon. It only takes a second to wipe it on your trousers or whatever. Anything on it will be dropped in scalding water shortly so don’t worry about bogies you’ve wiped on your thigh. Nobody will catch a cold. But make sure the damn thing is dry.

2) Just to be on the safe side – sugar in the cup first. Note: sugar first. Not coffee.

3) A separate step for this as it seems to be beyond the grasp of most coffee drinkers despite following on so closely from rule 2. Coffee second. That’s “second”. As in after the sugar.

Stir, return to desk, enjoy.

By following these simple steps you’ll eliminate the incredibly annoying problem of dropping dollops of coffee powder into the ******* sugar and therefore stopping them ending up in my ******* cup of ******* tea. You *****.

Failing that, just drink tea and **** coffee.

Yes, I’ve had a bad day and a ******* worse cup of tea.

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8 thoughts on “Coffee ‘n’ sugar”

  1. you forgot to mention the need for a cup that is clean and grime free and not stained by said coffee.

    ah yes and the dry tea spoon also cancels out the equally horrible lumps of coffee and tea stained sugar that builds up from people adding the sugar after the hot water and a stir.

    but worst is people who leave scraped butter or marg with toast crumbs on the inside of the marg tub, urgh…

  2. Anyone actually making tea would be sure to wash their mug out or use a clean one first. The tutorial was aimed at the selfish coffee-makers. One muppet in the office last week even left a cup sat there containing coffee granules, sugar and a spoon. Overnight. No wonder we’re short of mugs.

    Ah yes, scrapings in the butter. Very similar thing. The solution is simple – only take as much as you need. If you hit your 20s and you still haven’t figured out how much butter / marg you need on your knife to coat your toast then you shouldn’t be allowed near sharp objects.

    And don’t forget the ones who get butter in the jam, marmite in the butter, etc etc. Death to them all.

  3. Two years ago, the company splashed cash and invested in proper bean coffee machines and for us tea drinkers, Twinings English Breakfast teabags. It is very rare to find mugs left with teabags in as I think us tea drinkers have some sort of etiquette, eg wash our mugs, look after them.

    Mugs with half-drunk, mouldy coffee however – they’re everywhere and if the problem doesn’t get sorted soon, I can see the company starting to charge for drinks again if people can’t be arsed to finish their drinks.

    There’s even a dishwasher but the lazy muppets can’t be arsed to put the mugs in there…

  4. See, that’s because tea-drinking is an English pass-time. That’s Old English, not current filth-ridden chav-English. When we were more civilised and only killed people who didn’t have as many boats as us. Or who preferred gods who gave them free virgins instead of opting for the “letting their son get stapled to some 2×4” school of recruitment.

    Coffee – I’m going to get it in the neck for this – is for the chavier element of the hot drink-supping public. And Starbucks can shove that up its overpriced arse.

  5. I agree with the sentiment about coffee in the sugar.

    hmm – think I might need to wash my coffee cup this morning. The office people leave them for the cleaners here (even though that’s not part of their duties) – but I always wash mine.

  6. Last season and this season again we’ve been told by The Powers That Be that we should wash our own stuff. We only have a cleaner round once a week so stuff mounts up quickly. I’d guesswe have a ratio of roughly 1.5 mugs to one person.

    Hence I deliberately leave mine on my desk visibly unwashed after each use. That way I know I have one that I don’t mind washing out and using myself next time. If I washed it and left it, someone would pinch it and leave it sat somewhere half full of coffee. And mold.

  7. same here – I keep mine dirty sometimes so nobody half-inches it.

    on a different note – I bet you’re glad you aren’t in Thailand today

  8. Eek. I saw the build-up yesterday but not had a chance to check the news today. Due to fly there at the end of Jan – I guess I best wait to book my flight…

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