Category: Uncategorised

Further proof – bouncers are *****

I headed to The Vic in Darwin this evening for dinner with four people from my dorm. The youngest of us was 22. The little prick on the door wanted ID from everyone. Including me. I’m ******* 33 next month.

Smug little **** he was, as well. Don’t know why. Fat, ugly, couldn’t string more than three words together and showing off that he was only 18. You know, funnily enough, it showed. Pathetic little ******. One of our group had to walk all the way back to the hostel for his passport. Fortunately, staying at The Cav, we were only round the corner. I pity anyone who’d walked from Gecko’s – it’s 15 minutes each way.

Evil toaster destroyers

[another one written before I left home in March]

I had someone over recently and, being the polite host, asked if they wanted something to eat. "Cheese on toast" was the cheery reply.

********. You invite someone over, show them common courtesy and they try and pull a practical joke on you. I mean, it’s all well and good asking a new apprentice to go and get some left-handed screws or a tin of tartan paint, but this could have been dangerous and knackered my toaster.

Had I not been as smart as I am, I could easily have been caught out. After all, how many people have sliced some cheese, layed it gently on the bread and then popped it into the toaster to cook? I’m not stupid. The cheese would drop straight off the bread and get all over the toaster elements. Fire could result and I’d certainly have to fork out for a new toaster.

Bloody irresponsible. That’s what I call it. Besides, I’ve already set fire to one toaster.

The perils of eating healthy food

I went to the loo today, wiped and – as any health consious person does – had a quick check of the paper-borne smearage. It was black. Not dark brown, but black.

Scary.

Ask a doctor. Black equals congealed blood and is very bad news. The thing is, it’s usually linked to things like stomach ulcers and they hurt like all hell. And the worst I’ve had in the last 2 days is a bit of trapped wind that I released with gusto in the Vic last night (and managed to blame on someone else).

Then I glanced into the bowl. Ah, not black. Very, very, very dark green. The water in the Great White God Telephone had diluted my plop and shown that my poop was (for the second time in my memory) actually just been hugely affected by food colouring.

There is a lesson to be learned here: eat 300g of soft-eating liquorice in one go and youre **** turns green. It’s not a great lesson, but it’s a lesson nontheless.

I still have a 300g bag of soft-eating strawberry liquorice. I wonder if I’m going to **** red tomorrow?

Ooh, big gap again

Apologies for not posting but I’ve simply not been able to get online for about 2 weeks. Living in tents, sitting on a bus in 40-degree heat and swimming in naturally heated pools or climbing hige mountains and stuff doesn’t leave a lot of time. And when I could get online it was something insane like £10 an hour from some kiosks. Sorry, but you lot aren’t worth that.

Travel blog is being updated right now with a tonload of stuff, but as usual Picasa’s failing to post most of the pictures properly, ******* thing. Arse.