Drivers who should die

As everyone knows, my driving’s perfectly OK. Nothing wrong with it at all. There now follows a list of all the ******** I’d like to see wrapped round lampposts for their sins against the driving community. Or specifically, against me.

I have also been asked to point out that the death wish is aimed at the selfish and ignorant, and not at the weak, mild, inexperienced and new-from-learning driver. They should just stick to empty roads to work their confidence up until they’re as mad as me.

Please note that the author is in the UK and we drive on the left. To avoid any confusion, all readers from countries who for some insane reason decided to pick the right as their preferred side should reverse their brains before reading this article.

1. Lane-hoggers. The muppets who sit at some speed way below the limit in the middle or outside lane of the motorway, or the fast lane of a dual carriageway. Even when you sit behind them and flash your lights 3 inches from their rear bumper. And who don’t even pull over after you swerve in front of them after overtaking. Not to mention the ones who start flashing at you if you actually undertake them
2. Tailgaters. Those who sit right on your back end when you’re in the fast lane already doing 85 and about 3 seconds from overtaking the next vehicle. If I had time to pull over and let you past, I would. As it is, the most likely outcome of the current situation is you either losing your patience or ending up with a faceful of steering wheel the one day I just snap and jam on the anchors
3. Slow overtakers. You’re sat in the middle lane, approaching a vehicle in front. Someone’s coming up behind you. A quick check… could floor it and overtake or just let them go past. I’m in a good mood. I’ll wait for them, no rush. Only they then seem to decide to slow down and overtake you at 0.5mph more than you’re doing. I’m going to buy a car with spikes on the right hand side next time
4. Lorries. Two lane road – the A42 is a prime example of how bad this can get – with one lorry overtaking another. One’s doing 55mph, the other 55.25mph. Only they reach a small incline and the one on the inside is now going faster, so the other one drops back, gives in and pulls back in behind him. This process takes about 15 minutes, by which time the traffic is backed up to the M62. TRUCKS. SLOW LANE. ONLY. EVER
5. Undertakers. If I’m in a queue of 15 cars in the fast lane waiting to get past something else (like two trucks overtaking each other), get the **** in behind me. Do not even for a second expect me to let you in if you decide to piss up the inside lane and try to queue jump. I drive a company car. It’s not my insurance and I could do with a nice break from work. So go on, asshole. Try me
6. BMW drivers. And frequently Merc drivers as well. Simply because the mahority are arrogant ******** who think they own the road. Well, learn – you don’t. I ******* do. End of
7. Rush hour learners. I’m not having a go at learners themselves, here. I’m more pissed off with their instructors who think it’s a good idea to take them out at 8am round my (and 15,000 other people’s) main route to the motorway, when the driver in question has obviously barely graduated from a pedal car
8. Slow drivers. While I appreciate that the speed limit is, say 60, I still don’t appreciate being stuck at 40mph because you’re uncomfortable with how fast this new-fangled motor vehicle can go. Try shifting it out of second, or failing that just shifting it to the side so that myself an the queue snaking behind me can get the **** past. As for those of you who wend round the bendy roads at 30, braking every time the road’s not as straight as a well-ironed tie and then flooring it on the one straight stretch for 3 miles… you are going to hell. And I’ll send you there
9. Non-indicators. I’m sat at a roundabout or a junction, trying to get out. Just waiting for a small gap in the traffic. Then the car soming up on my right decides it’s turning off. No thought of telling me 10 seconds earlier so I could have gotten out. Oh no. You don’t care, you selfish bastard. For the sake of 0.001kWH of electricity you’ve saved, I’ve just burned up more ozone-destroying diesel and put you on my **** list
10. 4x4s and the like. Why the **** do you need to drive a tank when everyone else gets on fine with a car? How much are you carrying? Usually one child a whole 500 yards to a school. You park too close to corners, and you block my view when I’m trying to get out of a junction. Frankly, you make BMW drivers look positively generous with their use of the road. Don’t think that big ******* car makes you any safer. You just look like a much bigger target to me now They day I go postal is the day I can afford an RPG to take a couple of these ******* out on my way to the morgue
11. Hesitant drivers. If you’re not confident enough to get through a gap an 18-wheeler could get into traffic through, then rip your license up and use the ******* bus. One of these days I’m going to win the lottery and buy a HumVee purely for shoving you and your kind out of my way
12. Smokers. OK, you’re all selfish, diseased ******* at the best of times but if you do insist on polluting yourselves and the environment as much as my diesel-engined child-killer, kindly do it with the windows shut and suffer properly. And stop chucking your fag ends out of the window. The next time one lodges itself on my windscreen wiper I’m going right into your back end and blaming you for throwing litter at my car.
13. Drivers with loose children. And animals, come to think of it. While you’re all safe and comfy in the front, belted up and with airbags front, sides and central, you let the most precious thing in your life wander round the back like a potential flesh and blood Exocet. There are people paying tens of thousands of pounds for fertility treatment to try and have a family and you treat the lives of yours as if they were worth the same as the **** on your shoes – or that in your head. I don’t care how much they complain if you insist they’re strapped in. If you want them dead so they’ll be quiet, there are more pro-active ways of killing them. Same goes for pets. If you fancy the idea of little Rover being buried in your skull as he shoots off the parcel shelf at 70mph, that’s fine – but I class it as animal cruelty
14. People who brake approaching green lights. It’s green. What part of the driving test did you manage to get a bye on? Green means go. GO. Not stop. That’s the red one. If you’re colour blind, they’re in different places on the lights. Go at bottom, stop at top. If it’s green, keep going at the same speed, or accelerate. It’s so bloody simple
15. Drivers who need braking distance that can be measured in lengths of football pitches. Especially when they’re only doing 50 or 60. If you need that braking distance and there’s more than one lane… pull over. If you’re getting pissed off that people are undertaking you… pull over. If someone’s up your arse because you’re going too slowly… pull over. Getting the hint yet?
16. Ungrateful gits. I’m pootling along and I see you. Sat at a junction for ages. Or obviously wanting out to overtake that truck. A flash of the lights, a touch of the brakes… and there you go. How nice am I? You know what would be nice? A little flash of the indicators. A raised hand. A thank you. Is that too much to ask, you ungrateful bastard? Incidentally, I’ve noticed that the further sounth in the country I get, the less likely I am to get a “thanks” from someone. Coincidence or southern arrogance?
17. Those who are too helpful. being stuck behind someone who wants to let a street full of traffic out in front of them is very annoying indeed. I think the sensible approach is one out… one past… one out… etc. Simple, polite, traffic flows, no problem. I want to get home. I don’t want enough cars to choke the roads of New Delhi spilling from Morrison’s car park in front of me. I hope you think this is raising your karma level, because you’ll be dead soon and you’ll need all the points you can get.
18. People who don’t understand roundabouts. They’re simple. Give way to the traffic on your right. This means if I’m on your right, get the **** out of my way. You are in the wrong. Again, I mention that my car is not my own. I don’t care about trashing the front end. So if you don’t want to get intimately aquainted to your driver’s side door, stay the **** behind the white lines and wait till I’ve gone past. Conversely, this also means that if you’re on the roundabout, you don’t stop halfway round just to let some other person on. These rules were covered in your test, you know
19. Tossers who so 50mph up to each speed bump then jam their anchors on and crawl over it at 0.5mph. Then floor it again. Then brake. For ****’s sake. You either can’t see more than 3 feet in front of your car, in which case get glasses, or you’re too **** at driving to maintain a constant speed, in which case get the **** off the road
20. Blocking junctions and roundabouts. Again, I’m at a junction or maybe a mini roundabout. I’m indicating to go across the stream of traffic onto the other side, or turn right. Traffic is backing up to my left. It’s now level with my car and not going anywhere. Does the next person leave a gap to let me cross their path? Do they ****. How ******* difficult is it to simply not park bumper-to-bumper with the car in front? Just leave 6 feet, or don’t come onto the ******* roundabout you selfish ****
21. Fog lamp over-users. FOG lamp. F-O-G. Quite an obvious clue there. They’re not rear-facing headlamps, not are they additional reflectors. They’re there for when it’s F-O-G-gy. With low visibility. I’ll let you off with use in the driving rain when you also can’t see anything without tail ilghts more than 50 yards ahead of you. You should not be using them in conjunction with your headlights every time you go out for a drive to the shops, because they’re bloody annoying and dazzle the driver behind. Which is why I’m sat there flashing my full beams at you, then overtaking and putting my fog lamps on. Fail to comply and you’ll get back to the car park later to find that you no longer have fog lamps. If you’re not responsible enough to use them properly, then you obviously can’t be trusted to have them at all
22. Overtake-accelerators. Will one of you arseholes kindly explain to me at which point a simple overtaking maneuver turns into a ******* drag race? If you’re sat doing 60mph on the motorway, surely I can expect to get past you at 70mph without suddenly finding you’ve taken offense at my passing and decided to see how fast my car will go. For the record, it’s 135mph and I will go that fast then cut you the **** up so don’t even bother trying. If you don’t want to be overtaken, don’t drive so ******* slow in the first place. As for those of you who do this when I’m trying to overtake you on a single-lane A-road, remember the fact that I have a company car and little or no regard for anyone’s life but my own. I will shove you into a ******* ditch, you ****. See how impressed your girlfriend is then, once her nose is smashed in by your airbag. ****

I await someone arriving with my medication. Nurse!