Porn voiceovers are cool

Way back in my youth I used to have a porn film or two. No, I admit it. In the old days of VHS and copied vids, I happened to have one or two of these. Of course, I’m way past such things now. Honestly. You at the back, stop sniggering.

The things is, do I remember the sex bits from any of them? No. They’re all the bloody same after a while. I mean, the one or two I had. Which was all I ever saw. Some pink bits, someone other pink bits, a bit of squealing, grunting and groaning, some white stuff… and repeat with a new cast.

No, what I remember is from one film I had. It was the usual "girl meets girl, girl does rude things with girl, man stumbles upon girls and gets involved in rude things, man takes girls home to do more rude things with his friend, they all live happily ever after if slightly sweatier than they were" plot. Surprisingly, no plumbers or pizza delivery men were involved. Although I think one of the men was wearing dungarees at one point, so maybe he was a manual labourer of some description. I’ll think about that.

So as I was saying, the film itself was no great shakes (just a few short, sharp ones *ahem*). What was truly memorable was the narrator. The entire film was in German or Swedish or something but the volume was turned down a couple of notches. You could hear their voices but they were fairly quiet. Instead, you had a spot by spot monologue from Herr Grumpy, the most bored-sounding man in Germany.

Now I say I am bored with porn. This guy sounded like he’d watched 35 films that day alone, eaten a bottle of Mogadon and not slept in a week. Remember the voice they made you put on at school when you were supposed to be playing the part of a cow in some daft drama lesson? Slow, drawn out, complete monotone, no inflection? OK, now drop a couple of octaves. That’s it. Now imagine that everything you’re saying is the 97th time you’ve said it that day. You know, like "Have a nice day" when you’ve just accepted the cash for another bloody Happy Meal.

Right, we’re part way there.

Here’s the kicker. You’re not saying "John Smith, Our Company Limited helpine. We’re always here to make your day better. How can I help you?”" What you’re saying is "Oh yes. She luffs it haaardurrr. Shove it deeeeep, big boy. She isht filthyyyyy…" Imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger having one of his little bits of "harmless fun" after smoking a huge ******* spliff and we’re pretty much there.

This film made porn boring. Which, when you’re 16, is no mean feat. In all honesty I wish I could find the damn thing. Then, if I could be arsed, I’d record the soundtrack and put snippets up here for you all, just to prove how mind-buggeringly strange it all was.

Mind you, I suppose it could have been worse. Can you imagine the opposite? A really chipper young lass who has bright wide eyes, bounces her head (with pony tails) a lot, talks like she’s gasping and has just seen the world’s most exciting thing ever and can’t wait to share it with you?

Hmm… sounds like Playschool or Blue Peter.

"I don’t have time to make Joey’s cock all hard right now, so here’s Malcolm’s stiffy which I made earlier!!!! Don’t forget to ask your mistress for help with any bondage tape you use!!!! Now, while we get on with some hard shagging, why don’t you join Big Ted and his bitch, Little Ted and look through the Porn Window?!?! Today, we’ll see how a Slick-Lips is made!!!!!!"

Sometimes all the pieces come together and I know why I’m so ****** up.