You can tell I’m back at work

Oops

Well at least my boss knows I wasn’t faking with the cold last week. He’s caught it. Unfortunately I couldn’t have timed it worse. As he’s now constantly reminding me, he’s doing my appraisal in a week or so.

Personally, I think I should get bonus marks for being “generous to a fault”.

DIY misadventures

I’m not as bad as some, as I’ve yet to lose a limb or blind myself (I’m only 31 – sure I’ve got time left), but I had fun over the weekend. First off, many thanks to Steve from number 11 who helped me with the loft ladder. Finally, four years after I bought it, I’ve got the thing fitted.

There is a downside, though. I’ve had to replace the loft hatch to get it in. I used to have a “push up” hatch, and to get the ladder to work I need a “pull down” one. Easy enough as the ladder kit includes a locking mechanism and hinges.

Problem. The hinges have screwholes in them about 10mm from the hinge part itself. These have to be screwed to something secure, such as a) the door itself and b) the wooden beam from which it should hang.

Therein lies the problem. My ceiling is plaster – about 10mm or so thick. As well as the hole in the plaster being crooked (this was hidden by a nailed-on plastic surround that I had to remove) which means that the perfectly-cut hatch isn’t as good a fit as it should be, it also means that the holes in the hinge line up with very insecure crumbly plasterboard. I need hinges which have holes about 20mm (or further) from the joint. Thing is, I’m struggling to find any. The few I’ve seen are enormous and take screws the size of my little finger.

So I currently have a loft ladder which I can show off. Because it overhangs a whacking big hole in the ceiling.

I knew there was a reason I normally got people in to do these jobs.

The other job (one of them) I didn’t do courtesy of the heavens opening was re-sinking a fencepost which fell over in the winds a few … erm … months ago. For this I needed a small bag of “post-crete” or post fixer – fast drying cement.

I was in Wickes at lunchtime trying to find the hinges when I thought I’d pick up a bag. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I was halfway across Sainsbury’s carpark and my legs were getting shorter with each step that I realised how ******* heavy it was.

I paced myself from there to the car and was doing fine until I met one of my managers on his way to lunch. He decided to have a 5-minute conversation with me as I continually adjusted this rather weighty bag on my shoulders. No way was I putting it down – I’d never have picked it back up again.

Grr.

Well this is handy

Apparently a “simple” brain scan can tell when a woman’s faking an orgasm. So if you need to know, all you’ve got to do is subtly slip her head into an MRI scanner while you’re shagging her. Easy.

On the other hand… who cares? I know I cum. What the hell am I bothered if my partner does or not? That’s their problem, surely?

Yeesh.

Not that I’m jealous of multiple orgasms of various different types or anything.

Cruisin’ for a bruisin’

In case you missed it, Tom Cruise got soaked at the London premiere of War of the Worlds, by one of those crappy “practical joke” TV crews. The upshot of which is they are now facing charges of assault… which it is.

I’d like to link this to another story that cropped up today. Specifically, the government now announcing it’s going to specify which venues fall under the future smoking ban. As ******* usual, the pro-smoking lot are up in arms about “invasion of civil liberties” and other such bollocks.

Now, let me link the two.

Tap water – good for you, non-carcinogenic, natural, many safe uses. Only real risk is from drowning in it.

Fag smoke – more toxic chemical than you can shake a tar-soaked stick at. Not natural. Known to cause fuckloads of diseases even when inhaled passively (and cuntbollockfuckery to the tobacco companies who say otherwise).

So, let me get this right. If someone squirts a non-toxic liquid in my face, it’s assault… but it’s perfectly legal for someone to blow a toxic gas at me when they’re fully aware of the health risks involved?

Will someone please try to explain that, because I ******* can’t. Especially the bit where people are trying to encourage others to generate more of the toxic fumes. Sorry, but that’s just ****** up.

Incidentally, blow ciggy smoke in my face and I will punch you. You now have plenty of warning.