This gym lark is working
(Written on Monday, posted today)
About a month ago I tried to cycle to work. I think I managed about a mile (uphill, mind) with two stops to gasp for breathe and vomit before giving it up as a bad idea and heading home.
On Sunday I made it about half way there and could have gone on. And that was the uphill bit. Blimey. Not bad for 4 weeks’ work in the gym.
I also went for a nice bike ride with Sharon on Saturday, which she worked out afterwards was a shade under 10 miles, though it was pretty flat compared to my work run. The bike needs looked at, though. Quite often when you change gears it rattles afterwards unless you shift again, sometimes several times. It’s due for a service shortly so I’ll get them to look at it then.
One concern I have, though, are my nads. I swear bike seats aren’t as comfy as I remember them being as a kid but maybe that’s because my balls hadn’t dropped then. If I’m sat on a bike seat for too long, I start to get a painful ache along the entire underside of my groin, and I noticed this morning that I have a “numb” patch on my bollocks. I’m sure they weren’t like that on Friday. Eek.
I think this is why Lance Armstrong’s doing so well with the cycling thing. Minus one nut, he’s less likely to crush the remaining one on his bike seat or suffer discomfort. However, I don’t think I’m quite prepared to go that far to get to work and back under my own steam.
Besides, with my hunky new buff gym body, I’m having to beat the ladies off with a shitty stick. Just the other day, Kate Winslet paused from gobbling my cock to say how great I was looking.
Actually, that’s not true. I only put that in to make Soapy jealous. In fact, the whole bit about beating them off with a shitty stick is a lie. I think women are trying to come to terms with my Herculean demi-godliness and stepping back in awe. Yes, that’s it. Awe. Not revulsion.
Good grief. I only went and did it
(Written today)
As I write this I’m in the office. And my bike is outside. And I didn’t cheat and lug it here on the back of the car. And my legs hurt. And the right hand side of my scrotum is numb. No, Dawn, I don’t want you to stick needles in it to try and get it “working” again.
The bollock thing is explained on this rather humorous page so I think I’ll be looking for an alternative bike seat shortly, and perhaps some padded lycra cycling shorts. It seems it’s a very common complain in cyclists, but I’m not prepared to give up a fully functioning willy just to lose some weight! I do not like the idea of any future wife of mine getting pregnant via a turkey baster. Or one of the neighbours.
The best bit of the ride is getting to the top of the last peak just after the T-junction, seeing your breath in the air (despite it being 18 degrees…) and then being able to go “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” downhill the rest of the way into Halifax. Only the homeward bound journey to worry about now.
*whimper*
(Later)
Made it home in about ten minutes less than the workbound journey, but I didn’t have to stop twice to adjust my handlebars. I also managed to get home literally seconds before lightning rent the sky, thunder clapped mightily and it pissed down. This will be the rain that BBC weather didn’t know about. In fact as I write this, they still reckon Bradford’s enjoying blazing sunshine. Tossers.
Solidarity? My arse. Sorry – “ass”
Well, a ******* big thanks to the US armed forces as they stood by us in our “we are not afraid, you cock-sucking terrorist, coward *****” display. Yes, the same US armed forces who only today were allowed by their commanding officers to wander back within the M25 circle.
Apparently, “we [the US forces] cannot allow ourselves to be intimidated by the acts of terrorists”. Well, not now that you’ve given them a few days to bugger off and yourselves time ro come back out of your little bunkers you chickenshit *******. Pretty much sums up Bush’s presidency. Go in all guns blazing… as long as you have all the guns and are doing all the blazing.
Is it far too obvious to point out that by running scared from London for 4 days, they did allow themselves to be intimidated? ****, look at the citizens of New York. Civilians. People. They didn’t run away and hide immediately after 11/9. Neither did the people of Madrid.
Learn a lesson, Yanks (or at least those “high up”) – take a lesson from your citizens, and in fairness a huge number of your actual troops. Get some bollocks. You may need to look that word up – it’s English. Oh, and learn to drink tea without ice in it. That might help, too.
******* bloody terrorists
Four years ago I missed the last chance I had to see Pantera live because some raghead ****** got some of his brainwashed monkeys to fly planes into some buildings. The gig was a couple of days afterwards and the band couldn’t leave the US to get to Birmingham. I also lost £8 in booking fees. *******.
This time round, tonight’s double-length Tarantino-directed CSI special has been postponed till next week because of the subject matter (something happens underground – what massive similarities).
Hey, call me insensitive, selfish or whatever – but what happened to sticking two fingers up at these arseholes and carrying on as before?
(Kate Winslet opens her eyes. Her auburn hair (ItÂ’s auburn at the moment) hangs over her delightful, sleepy eyes, making her look like some kind of cute, sexy kitten-woman. She throws back the bed covers, revealing her toned, lightly oiled body in all its naked splendour).
“Goldfish! Oh, Goldfish! Come back to bed, darling. It’s so cold in here without you.”
“Hang on one moment, peachy-buttocked one. I’ve brought you to the delights of ecstasy seven times so far this evening. I’m just taking a break to check my e-mails and read some blogs.”
“Oh, Goldfish, do hurry! The cool night air upon my nipples is making them all stiff.”
“Yeah yeah… hey, hang on! This Mosher bloke is claiming that you sucked him off!”
“Could be, I’ve sucked a lot of people off… (Looks at monitor) Oh, God, no, not him. I do have standards. Now get back here and take care of your girl.”
“Okey-dokey Katie-baby! Umm… no more mouth kissing though until you’ve gone a few rounds with the Listerine, OK?”
Oh, terrorists. I know, arenÂ’t they a pain? Luckily me and Kate (As well as Angelina, when sheÂ’s in town) always travel by Lear jet.
Nice try, fish-boy. But I know Kate won’t go near *anyone* who has to chisel smeg off their little fishy…
From the “rather humorous page” –
“Another scary statistic: in a Boston University study of men whose erection trouble was due to some physical problem, nearly half were found to have fallen onto a bicycle crossbar at some stage.”
Now come on? Who the **** hasn’t fallen on to the crossbar at one time or another?
It’s a bona-fide staple of Best Man’s speeches and internet giggle-sites around the world…
Won’t mention I once saw the Pantera/White Zombie concerts ages ago.
Nor will I mention the best bit, wherein one of the leads had indulged in a bit of crowdsurfing and lost his sneaker.
One sneaker made it back to him onstage, but whoever nicked the other wasn’t fessing up.
So he held the sneaker aloft for the entire arena to see, and shouted ‘And if you see some **** with this sneaker, BEAT THE ******* **** OUT OF HIM!!’
Was great.
But again, I’m not mentioning it.
I was so annoyed about the Tarantino CSI – was all settled down to watch it and the vice over lady came on – bugger! What has a CSI getting buried alive in Vegas got to do with terrorist bombs in London??
Oh well – at least I have the Rammstein gig in B’ham to look forward to on Friday (unless that’s cancelled as well….)
that’ll bugger up the video I had set last night then – pfft
Hello – I’m back from foreignjohnnyland, did you all miss me terribly???
what do you mean you didn’t even realise I was gone?
(sob)
“raghead ******”? Steady on, fella.
In reverse order:
Scary – Bin Laden is a “raghead ******”. This differentiates him from people of various faiths who wear symbolic items of headgear fashioned from towelling and other materials. These are nice people. He isn’t. He’s a ****.
JJ – Anni will have noticed seeing as you two are sooooo in lurve.
Chick – Enjoy Rammstein. The only standing tickets I could get were in Cardiff (thanks for the offer, Anni) but it’s too far to travel. Could easily have got some for Newcastle before they sold out but no bugger would go.
Babs – I saw Pantera 3-and-a-quarter times. I’ll explain on a blog post, just for you.
Barman – I did worse than crack my barse on a bike frame… another one for a blog post I think.
I *did* notice, JyJ had gone. Don’t know where thou – where did you go sweety?
And us in *lurve*? In your dreams, sweetheart (makes a change from mine).
And my tickets were delivered on Friday. After I’d gone to work. And I have to sign for them. Bugger. Hopefully they will be delivered tomorrow at work, like I asked.
I’ll let you know how good they are 😉
How are your balls?
Hey Mosh, perhaps you’d like to come over to my blog and explain to EastmeetsWest that “Al quaeda Camel ******” is not a racist epithet directed at all Arabs. He/She is really starting to get on my tits…
Dg – I’m not sure. Wanna come check for me?
Ss – I noticed the first comment he/she/it put up, but haven’t looked since. Are they *still* going on about it? Between them and that fuckikng gun nut, you’re not having a good couple of weeks…
Well, one does need to keep up on these things, you know.