Nukes

It’s funny how conversations wander in various directions. Hans and I started waffling about the Americans not bombing India yet – surprising given how many Muslims there are here, and each one a potential terrorist in Yankee eyes. And how come the US is allowed to get all high and mighty, telling everyone what to do when it’s the only western nation with a) the death sentence and b) a publicly acknowledged torture camp which breaches every human rights agreement the US has signed up to, but is exempt because of it’s geographic location?

They also say who can and who can’t have nuclear weapons. The UK are allowed them as we’re their buddies.

The French kind of are allowed them. They’re in the NATO, but on the other hand they won’t use them against the Taliban so they might as well not have them.

India can’t have them because they’d make shitty ones that broke.

North Korea can’t have them because their leader’s a ******* nutcase.

Russia aren’t allowed them any more as they’re too poor. And the handful of Russians left who could afford them would rather spend the money buying football clubs and pissing us all off that way instead.

Thinking about it, you can annoy a whole hell of a lot more people but buying up and bankrolling a previously middle-of-the-road football club than you could launching a nuke. After all, a nuke’s a one-shot / all over thing. It’s like setting off a single firework at 3am. You’ll wake the neighbours, make a dog bark but it’s all forgotten about in ten minutes.

But buying a football club… that’s like setting up a constant stream of rockets up one after the other from 11pm till it’s time to get up for work in the morning. And you’re not just pissing off the neighbourhood – everyone in Europe not in a blue shirt hates Chelsea right now and has done for two years now.

The other upside is that buying a football club is environmentally sound and fully bio-degradeable. The half-life of a Premiership striker is around 8 years – 5 for Michael Owen as he’s so injury-prone, but 8 as an average. Once their finished, you can recycle them as pundits on TV or just let them fade away. Nukes, on the other hand, have to be transported all the way to Australia and buried in the outback where they make kangaroos glow in the dark for generations.