Author: Mosh

I actually wrote a fairly long post at work today – a serious one, too – only I got rather busy and forgot to mail it to myself for uploading.

D’oh.

So instead, here’s an email sent to me from Andy (blog currently borked) as he was satin a cybercafe in Stansted airport:

“Access to the page:

http://dialspace.dial.pipex.com/prod/dialspace/town/pipexdsl/o/aopy71/Weblog/

… has been denied for the following reason:

Weighted phrase limit exceeded.

You are seeing this error because the page you attempted to access contains, or is labelled as containing, material that has been deemed inappropriate.

If you feel this is in error, please submit the URL to info@ukexplorer.com”

What the cunty **** do those ***** have to complain about regarding my shitty, motherfucking, cum-stained, CHILD-PORN-filled, arse-buggering site? Bollocks, I say.

I just don’t get it

There are loads of those daft signs in the back of cars. You’ve seen them: “Dad’s taxi”, “No hand signals – driver convicted Arab shoplifter”, “Yes, I do own the road”… you know the type. Thing is, there’s one I’ve seen all over the place (in various guises) and I just don’t get it:

“No tools left in this van overnight”

Am I missing something here? I’m sure it’s a really subtle joke, probably amongst plumbers and electricians. Come on, lads. Share it with us.

Saddest **** on eBay

I won’t give the guy publicity by posting a link (they go stale anyway), but I found someone selling feedback on eBay yesterday. For a fiver, I think it was, this putz will put some positive feedback on your profile “immediately, or as early the next day as I receive payment. Either way, no more than 10 hours later or your money back”.

If you want to find this horrendously laid-out ad, just do a search for “porn” on eBay.co.uk. He’s about 2/3 of the way down the first page. What’s sadder, I suppose, is it looks like at least one person’s actually bought some.

I now have to explain why I was searching for “porn” on eBay. Oh, come on. You lot know me by now.

(from the pre-written pile as I’m busy with coursework)

I noticed something in the pub today. Look at anything foodwise in the supermarket and you’ll see a big ingredient list. Nutrition information. Allergy warnings. You name it.

But beer… buy a bottle of beer and look at the label. Nowt. It tells you how much is in the bottle and the alcohol content, but none of the ingredients. I mentioned this and Allen gave me a spot on answer:

"”Ingredients – beer. They don’t need to tell you anything else. It’s good for you."

This is a superb answer. Beer is good for you. OK, so Guinness had an advertising campaign that said as much canned in the 60’s because of conflicting evidence, but that was just namby-pamby boring gits that forced that to happen.

Beer is your friend. Drink more beer. If you get a hangover, you’re not drunk enough.

I am knackered. Been a long weekend, and as usual I didn’t do the sensible thing and crash out early last night. Damn internet. It’s all Al Gore‘s fault.

Thank you to the birdman on his advice about goose grass. I’ll try and get as many of the damn things out of her fur as I can. Turns out it was a *stone* wrapped in the fluff on her foot. Impressive.

Incidentally, for those with cats – don’t buy lillies as they can kill the poor buggers. Actually, there are shitloads of Evil Plants Of Cat Doom – please check this comprehensive list. Note that this includes a lot of common plants, such as daffodils. The difference with lillies is that their pollen is highly toxic and this can brush off on a kitty easily. Other plants need to have bits of their leaves chewed which is a lot less common.

End of public service announcement. And time for my beddy-byes.

See you in the funny papers.

A big “fank oo” to Bradford Council who once again responded to one of my complaints with great speed. This time the 14-day “noise diary” I returned to them on Tuesday. They’re issuing the ****** next door with an official warning, and also CC’ing it to the letting agency. Who doubtless will pass it to his mummy so she can read the long words for him.

Progress so far – still not a bump, thud, or rumble since he received the other letter yesterday. Result.

Also, a weight-gaining “fank oo” to Sue at work. She just happened to have a good day so bought everyone cakes and stuff. I had a Sainsbury’s dairy cream apple turnover. I ended up with more cream on my face than an overzealous fluffer at a gang bang. Lovely.

Kat update

She’s covered in these bloody seeds that get stuck in her fur at the moment. Sometimes she lets me pick them out, sometimes she goes mental and tries to flay my hand.

I can hear her creeping up on me in the kitchen, though. There are three of them in a little group on one of her legs, so it’s like being snuck up on by Long John Silver. *tap tap tap tap*