OK, we all know it’s naughty and as likely to earn you three points as driving through a red light. Stories I’ve heard recently include a schoolteacher collared for eating an apple at the wheel, and another woman who was done for swigging from a sports bottle while stationary at some traffic lights. Both obviously extremely dangerous and it’s astounding they didn’t cause multiple pile-ups as a result of their grossly selfish and reckless behaviour.
The thing is, if you drive a lot then you tend to just want to get where you’re going instead of pulling on to the hard shoulder just to eat a Mars Bar. Forgoing the three-course dinner at the wheel, I bet every driver out there has popped a sweetie in their mouth at least, while motoring along quite happily at 70mph. Personally, I usually have a little stash of mints in the door pocket.
Some food, though, are not to be eaten while driving for various reasons. Lemon sherbets, for instance. Or anything with sherbet in, in fact. Speaking from bitter experience, if you get one that’s partly cracked and pop it in your mouth, you can find a sudden jet of frothy acidity shooting to the back of your throat, normally just as you’re taking a breath in. The result of which is a bug-eyed expression as you try to breath, swallow, keep your eyes open, steer and not lose consciousness all at the same time. Not good.
Burgers are also bad. They drip everywhere and you always end up with half of the sauce and lettuce in your lap. Creme Eggs can be a pain, but that’s mainly because the wrappers seem to adhere themselves to the egg itself like they are trying to be at one with it. It’s far too easy to get drawn into picking all the bits of foil off and not notice the back end of the stationary HGV in front is rapidly approaching your bonnet until your car engine is sat in your lap.
Don’t even think of eating live squid, even in a 20 zone and while staying at the limit. They squirm everywhere, and if you get a particularly affectionate one, you can end up looking like an extra from Aliens wearing a face-hugger for a brief moment before you wrap your 4-wheeled pride and joy around a lamppost.
Squid can be a right bugger with their tentacles flailing and squirting ink all over the place. Snack foods are not supposed to cover the inside of your windscreen with gunk. You know – the side that the windscreen wipers don’t work on. Think about it – it’s not exactly condusive to safety to it’s hardly the best defense mechanism either.
Person takes bite, squirts ink everywhere (it’s a nightmare to get out of the upholstery), driver panics with squid latched to face, slams into something, head into steering column… squished squid. Silly squid.
If I had a penny for every time I’d had a squid-related accident in the car, I’d have… 12-and-a-half pence. The half’s a funny story, actually. This one squid put up a right fight, but we ended up talking it out and now we’re great friends. I don’t see him as snack foods, and he doesn’t try to commit hari-kari by blinding me while I’m driving.
Plus he’s handy if my quill runs dry.
Eating someone else is also a bad idea. While it’s nice and kinky to have your partner partake in some automotive oral jiggery-pokery with your "gearstick" while in motion, do not be tempted to return the favour. Trying to explain that one to the police wouldn’t be easy.
