Best chicken burgers… ever

Best chicken burgers ever!
Wrap your gob round this, love!

I’m not often one to blow my own trumpet (after all, I know how fucking great I am), but I’ve been told quite a few times that I make simply awesome chicken burgers. Yeah, I know it’s not the peak of haute cuisine, but you know what? I don’t care. They taste great, they’re cheap and they’re filling.

And now I’m going to tell you how to make them.

There are two recipes, both with the same basis. I used to simply make the first of the two, but due to the lovely Leah encouraging me to tinker (and a lack of ingredients available at Tesco one time) I ended up discovering how good the chicken & bacon version could be. All the better for you mere mortals.

At a rough estimate, you can expect to pay between £3 and £8 for enough ingredients to make at least 4 burgers – and that’s assuming you buy the salad cream / HP sauce at the same time and don’t have a bottle to hand. Aldi do some decent frozen chicken burgers that are pretty cheap and come in boxes of 8 or 10. Morrison’s own-brand salad cream is tops and cheaper than Heinz. Bear in mind that potato waffled and hash browns come in large packets so you’ll have a load left over for the next batch of burgers.

You will need:

  • frozen chicken burgers coated in breadcrumbs (Bird Eye are good, but shop around – some cheaper ones are pretty decent as well)
  • bread rolls (again, to taste – people prefer different types of bun and you’re making these for yourself after all)
  • fresh tomato (beef tomatoes are best as they can be as wide as the bread roll)
  • fresh lettuce (bagged stuff is fine, but a crisp iceberg is tops and usually cheaper)
  • frozen potato waffles or hash browns
  • mayo or salad cream for the “classic” recipe, BBQ sauce or HP Sauce for the chicken & bacon burger
  • rashers of bacon for the chicken & bacon burger – one or two per burger, as per your own preference

Preparation isn’t exactly rocket science. First thing is to slice the rolls (if you’ve not been a lazy bastard and bought pre-sliced ones) and toast them face up under a grill until they’re just going brown.

Now pop one chicken burger and one waffle (or two hash browns) under the grill for each bun you’re making. Bang the grill on pretty high. You’ll need to keep an eye on these. As they start to turn brown, flip them all over. Repeat as necessary until they’re cooked to your preference. If you’re making the chicken & bacon burger, pop the bacon on now, too. How you cook it is up to you – I think those George Formby uquelele-and-grill combo things rock.

While they’re getting hot, prepare the rest. Put a generous dollop of whatever sauce you’re using onto the inner surfaces of the bread roll – mayo or salad cream for the standard chicken burger, BBQ or HP Sauce for the C&B. Spread it a bit.

Shred the lettuce if required. I find the best way with a fresh iceberg is to just cut it as if you were cutting a loaf of bread – don’t separate the leaves first. “Slice” it in this manner, then cut the “slices” into strips. This should be fine. Get a decent fistful and pop this on the bottom part of the bun. Squish it down and the sauce should help hold it in place.

Slice the tomato. You want to pop a nice large slice (diameter-wise) on top of the lettuce, and a slightly smaller one onto the sauce you’ve placed on the inside of the bread “lid”. Put some more sauce on each slice of tomato once it’s in place.

Now wait till the hot stuff’s ready. If you’re making a regular chicken burger, the potato waffle or hash browns go next onto the lower bread part on top of the tomato. Then the burger on top, then flip the “lid” into place and *squish* so that everything is bound together and the burger doesn’t fall apart when you try to carry it to the table.

For the C&B burger, it’s potato waffle/hash brown, then chicken burger and then crowned with the bacon. You may want to smear a little more sauce on the top of the chicken before adding the bacon to increase stickiness. And flavour.

Serve with salted oven chips – the thin “French fry” style ones are good.

Sit down, enjoy and just let the thought “fuck you, Jamie Oliver” float through your head.

NOTE: you can add cheese as well, but if you do then go for the bland slices. Anything stronger really just steals all the taste from the rest of the burger.

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Coffee ‘n’ sugar

Coffee sugar

I don’t like coffee. I love the smell, will eat coffee cake and – although they’re not my favourite by any stretch – I’ll even eat coffee creams. However, it’s not a drink I enjoy.

To whit, another in my extremely limited series of culinary hints and tips:

How to make a cup of coffee in a shared kitchen

1) Use a fucking dry teaspoon. It only takes a second to wipe it on your trousers or whatever. Anything on it will be dropped in scalding water shortly so don’t worry about bogies you’ve wiped on your thigh. Nobody will catch a cold. But make sure the damn thing is dry.

2) Just to be on the safe side – sugar in the cup first. Note: sugar first. Not coffee.

3) A separate step for this as it seems to be beyond the grasp of most coffee drinkers despite following on so closely from rule 2. Coffee second. That’s “second”. As in after the sugar.

Stir, return to desk, enjoy.

By following these simple steps you’ll eliminate the incredibly annoying problem of dropping dollops of coffee powder into the fucking sugar and therefore stopping them ending up in my fucking cup of fucking tea. You cunts.

Failing that, just drink tea and fuck coffee.

Yes, I’ve had a bad day and a fucking worse cup of tea.

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