Category: Funny

Best complain letter ever (apparently)

Fabulous Lettering
Classy writing

I’ve done a load of complaints letters, most of the ones from the last few years you can see on this blog. The one on the FHM web site I found is apparently the best one Richard Branson has ever received. It’s pretty good, but I still think my original one to Bradford Council when I was complaining about the council tax was better.

A shame it was so long ago I don’t have a record of it – but it did make the man behind the glass counter laugh out loud and we were told we didn’t owe any tax after all. After 3 months, one missed court appearance (which we’d been told had been cancelled… but wasn’t) and various legal threats.

Anyway: Richard Branson’s favourite complaint letter.

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Alcopoop

Some typical alcoholic beverages.

I would like to introduce a new word into the English language (assuming I’ve not already been beaten to it):

Alcopoop (noun) – the thick, turgid yet also somehow sloppy and always sweet-smelling **** that you have to force out of an arsehole that seems too small the morning after an excessive intake of alcoholic beverages.

Yeah, I had a good night. Much alcohol was downed and I even had a birthday “dinner” at the hotel. All the staff signed a card for me (that I’ve lost – it’s in the hotel somewhere), sang “Happy Birthday” to me and then we went out and got trolleyed at Bar’Dup.

I’m not that bad, surprisingly. But my credit card is still in the pub. And has been since Friday.

Great present, though – a 3-0 away win at Portsmouth. A goal from birthday boy Michael Owen, and it turned out that a guy I was sat with in the pub also had his birthday yesterday. As did his flatmate! We got free Jagermeister shots from the bar.

I generally don’t “do” birthdays, but I had a cracker this year in part mainly to hanging out with a great bunch of people. Thanks to them all!

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Handy cooking tip

I’ve found one problem here is that they use real butter and it’s stored in a walk-in fridge. As such, when I come to use it to make a sandwich, it’s rock solid. I can barely chip a bit off let alone spread it on a soft baguette.

The simple solution is to whack it with a mallet and pop some onto a plate (without the tin wrapping), then nuke it in the microwave. The trick is to ensure you don’t leave it in there too long.

Ten seconds is too long. I wish I could show you pictures, but I’m cameraless right now. Suffice to say I was pouring it on my bread rather than spreading it. One extreme to the other. With experimentation I may get it right, but I fear it’s more than just a timing thing.

See, microwaves cook from the inside out as we all know. So the butter looks (and indeed is) fine on the outside while the interior turns into a superheated molten core. This heat is transferred out, and the whole thing made much worse when you poke your knife into it. The flesh-burning interior spills out and lands on the still-solid “crust” causing it to also melt.

If you don’t leave it long enough (1-2 seconds), then the inside has just gone soft and doesn’t even have a hope of affecting the outer layers – which are still like clay anyway. Given the variables, such as oven efficiency; original temperature of butter; oven wattage; chemical make-up of the patty and so forth, I don’t think there’s any simple method of calculating the ideal thaw time.

Mind, it’s fun just melting it.

Oh, and yes. I’m very, very, very busy working here…

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