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Am I the only one picky enough to spot these things, or has anyone else ever had a problem with something they’ve bought and wondered how the hell it got past the testing stage? I’m mainly on about mobile phones. Foreigners (and by this I mean you Yanks), please bear with me as I’m sure you have different makes/models to us. I’d be amazed if you don’t have the same issues, though.

I used to have a Nokia 3310 and a 3330 – one work, one personal. Before that, I had two “brick” Nokias, which were very much the same, worked in the same way and just happened to be slightly bigger. Now, these three phones all did the job they were meant to. Sent and received calls and texts. They keypads were good – clear, uncluttered, good spacing between keys and the keys themselves were responsive with superb feedback. That is, when you pushed a key, you got a “click” or “beep” for each press as well as the tactile feedback of knowing you’d hit it.

Each phone also had the numberic keypad, a hash, a star, two arrow buttons, a cancel and a menu button. Look at the links previous and see how clear the layouts are. Texting was a joy on those phones.

Enter the new phones. My current personal phone is a Nokia 3510i. First off, notice the extra two buttons. Also, the keys are rubbery and a bugger to press. The feedback’s lousy as well. The phone is so slow that often it doesn’t make a click or beep when you press them, so when you’re texting quickly it’s very easy to press the keys too many times.

In addition, it’s now harder to do some things that were a piece of cake on the old 3310/3330. A common example is receiving a text, replying to it, deleting the text you’ve input then deleting the one you received. Post-reply on the 3330, this used 2 buttons and a total of 7 keypresses. On the 3510i, it requires 10 presses of four buttons and you’ve got a very high chance of the thing quitting out of what you’re doing (if you hold the clear button down too long) and having to go back in and start again. Same job, almost half as complicated. The other bugbear is setting the alarm clock, almost twice as hard.

My new company phone is a Nokia 6230 which has managed to introduce another piece of interface-related crapness. The big central square button is actually five buttons in one. Four directions, plus if you “mash” it, it’s another input. They keys are too small and close together, and the maxiumum keypress feedback volume is vastly reduced, making quick texting a nightmare. This large button, though, is the biggest pain.

If you’re working quickly and don’t have fingers like pinheads, it’s far too easy to nudge up or down instead of – or worse, immediately before – mashing the big button as “accept”. I’d say more than 50% of the time, I end up selecting the wrong thing from a menu because of this.

Two other issues with it. I cannot change the font colour – it’s always black. When someone rings, my wallpaper picture doesn’t disappear. This means I can’t have a dark wallpaper picture as I end up with black on black text and can’t see who’s ringing. The other daft thing that’s slipped through is the “welcome note”. On the 3310/3330, when you designed the welcome note what you saw (including layout) was what you got. On the new one, you place your text, justify it so it’s centred and save it. Then when the phone comes on, it shrinks it to a font half the size, removes all the extra spaces and scrunches it in the top left corner.

Who on earth tests these phones? Nobody? Or someone who sucks up so they think they have more chance of testing another one? The whole point of testing things is to find what’s wrong with them, yet these things still make it to market. I really want to know why and how.

I also want to know if anyone has a decent, working 3330 available. I think I’ll pop in eBay. With any luck I can get a newish one for less than I can sell my 3510i for. And I can put my old NUFC logo on the backdrop.

Don’t get me wrong, the new features and stuff all have their uses – the cameras, voice recording, built-in radios and stuff. But what’s the point of having the toys when the basic functions of the phones are being made a nightmare to use?

Has anyone ever come across a more sore loser than that red-faced Scots get? Arsene Wenger has his “I didn’t see it – the referee is making it all up” nonsense, but Fergie really takes the half-time orange (or prawn sandwich).

Over the years we’ve had him blame the weather, the pitch, the wind, the crowd… everything apart from his players and his own cock-ups. Hell, when he got caught speeding, he just said he has the ***** and was let off.

Last year, Arsenal went an entire season unbeaten. This, however, wasn’t good enough. They weren’t a Championship-winning side, apparently. Not according the Fergie. They didn’t deserve it. Why? Because they drew too many games.

Now, hang on. ManUre finished third with 15 fewer points. Arsenal drew 12 games and lost none. ManUre drew 6 and lost 9. Arsenal won more games than ManUre. They scored 9 more goals and conceded 9 less. Yet they didn’t deserve to win? Get off your sodding high horse, Fergie.

Then this season he has the gall to say there’s nothing between ManUre and Chelsea. Let’s look at that table (with one game to go) again, shall we? I see 20 points, 8 more wins, 4 fewer draws, 4 fewer losses, 15 more goals for, 11 fewer goals against, a Champions’ League automatic qualification spot and a Premiership trophy between them. Oh, yes – and the fact they’ve just taken the long-standing record for most number of points scored in a Premiership season off ManUre.

A bit more than just glimpsing daylight, I’d say.

Face it, Fergie. Your run is over. Deal with it. Stop being a bitter old bastard and show some good grace, you pathetic, arrogant prick.

OK, we all know it’s naughty and as likely to earn you three points as driving through a red light. Stories I’ve heard recently include a schoolteacher collared for eating an apple at the wheel, and another woman who was done for swigging from a sports bottle while stationary at some traffic lights. Both obviously extremely dangerous and it’s astounding they didn’t cause multiple pile-ups as a result of their grossly selfish and reckless behaviour.

The thing is, if you drive a lot then you tend to just want to get where you’re going instead of pulling on to the hard shoulder just to eat a Mars Bar. Forgoing the three-course dinner at the wheel, I bet every driver out there has popped a sweetie in their mouth at least, while motoring along quite happily at 70mph. Personally, I usually have a little stash of mints in the door pocket.

Some food, though, are not to be eaten while driving for various reasons. Lemon sherbets, for instance. Or anything with sherbet in, in fact. Speaking from bitter experience, if you get one that’s partly cracked and pop it in your mouth, you can find a sudden jet of frothy acidity shooting to the back of your throat, normally just as you’re taking a breath in. The result of which is a bug-eyed expression as you try to breath, swallow, keep your eyes open, steer and not lose consciousness all at the same time. Not good.

Burgers are also bad. They drip everywhere and you always end up with half of the sauce and lettuce in your lap. Creme Eggs can be a pain, but that’s mainly because the wrappers seem to adhere themselves to the egg itself like they are trying to be at one with it. It’s far too easy to get drawn into picking all the bits of foil off and not notice the back end of the stationary HGV in front is rapidly approaching your bonnet until your car engine is sat in your lap.

Don’t even think of eating live squid, even in a 20 zone and while staying at the limit. They squirm everywhere, and if you get a particularly affectionate one, you can end up looking like an extra from Aliens wearing a face-hugger for a brief moment before you wrap your 4-wheeled pride and joy around a lamppost.

Squid can be a right bugger with their tentacles flailing and squirting ink all over the place. Snack foods are not supposed to cover the inside of your windscreen with gunk. You know – the side that the windscreen wipers don’t work on. Think about it – it’s not exactly condusive to safety to it’s hardly the best defense mechanism either.

Person takes bite, squirts ink everywhere (it’s a nightmare to get out of the upholstery), driver panics with squid latched to face, slams into something, head into steering column… squished squid. Silly squid.

If I had a penny for every time I’d had a squid-related accident in the car, I’d have… 12-and-a-half pence. The half’s a funny story, actually. This one squid put up a right fight, but we ended up talking it out and now we’re great friends. I don’t see him as snack foods, and he doesn’t try to commit hari-kari by blinding me while I’m driving.

Plus he’s handy if my quill runs dry.

Eating someone else is also a bad idea. While it’s nice and kinky to have your partner partake in some automotive oral jiggery-pokery with your "gearstick" while in motion, do not be tempted to return the favour. Trying to explain that one to the police wouldn’t be easy.

Something struck me the other day and I’m amazed I hadn’t thought of this before. We all know that sperm are like teeny tiny tadpoles, yes? Well, kids kidnap tadpoled and put them in jars or ponds and stuff. After a while, they grow legs and become frogs which is really cool.

Has anyone ever bothered to leave their sperm along long enough to make sure this doesn’t happen to them either? I mean, whenever I’m done with mine I’ve always chucked the tissue down the loo or whatever. Suffocated them in a rubber balloon, perhaps, or had the sheets thrown in the washing machine.

This, potentially, is mass murder of a potential new species. I mean sperm-frogs could be cool.

Anyway, in a bid to help science along I had a quick think. If you leave the stuff anywhere it sends to go dry, so I assume sperm-frogs need a damp environment to thrive.

As such, I took it upon myself to try and culture the world’s first colony of sperm-frogs. Deciding on a clean but wet location, I deposited some sperm and started my stopwatch to see how long they’d take.

Sadly, as is the bane of all science, a member of the public screwed it all up. I’d popped back into the office to do some work (or blogging), only to go back to the loo an hour later and some bastard had flushed it. Back to square one. Next time maybe I should put signs up.

North of Watford? Then piss off

From the Football Association’s web site 5th May 2005:

The FA confirmed today that the top four teams in the Premiership at the end of the season will enter next season’s UEFA Champions League.

This will not be changed whatever the outcome of Liverpool’s Champions League Final in Istanbul on 25 May.

So in other words, if Liverpool win the Champion’s League, yet finish outside the top 4 in the Premiership this year, they’ll not be in the competition next season. The FA have said they’ll ask UEFA for an extra Champion’s League place if this occurs, but there’s bugger all chance of that happening, let’s be honest.

Now… from the FA’s web site on 10th March 2004:

Should Arsenal or Chelsea win the Champions League, they will automatically qualify for next season’s competition but England will not gain an extra Champions League place, even if they finish outside of the top four in the Premiership.

In other words, tough nuts to the team who do finish fourth. But shouldn’t this decision have set a precedent by which Liverpool should be entered into the competition as champions (if they win – still 90 minutes to decide that!) at he expense of whoever finishes fourth this year? Or does that decision only hold if the winning team’s from London? Or is ManUre?

I bet the FA are sat there crossing their fingers that either Liverpool finish fourth, or they get beaten in the final so this doesn’t matter. *******. As usual.

Sunderland aims at count record

According to BBC News: “Sunderland South could set a new record if it declares its result first for the fourth time.”

Can I point out that this is purely because so few mackems can spell “X” properly.