Category: Uncategorised

I am a dancing god

Whoops. That was a typo. Actually, I’m more of a dancing dog, stood on a dancefloor nodding my head back and forth. If you’re lucky (or unlucky), you might get a bit of air guitar in there.

How do some people do it? I mean, look cool dancing. John Travolta was the archetype some years ago, yet anyone who does what he did just looks like some arse trying to be Travolta and failing miserably. Of course, these days he’d likely crack any glass dancefloors with the excess poundage he’s carrying.

Then you’ve got Michael Jackson’s moonwalking and groin-grabbing. It’s looking like the only shuffling he’ll be doing for the next 30 years will involve 5 knuckles. I’d not be surprised if he’s squealing when someone else grabs his nutsack either.

Caught out

Which is the better? Watching a little kid gurgle and smile, or catching out an otherwise normal person sticking their tongue out and make daft faces at it? Such happened to me today. The poor lass didn’t realise I was watching her until she’d been gurning at the poor child for an age. She went a right shade of beetroot.

Halifax PO

I don’t wish to be mean, but what is it about Halifax’ main Post Office? It seems to be like some kind of Munter Magnet. Aside from my good self, every time I go in the place it’s full of ghastly looking people. In fact, the only attractive ones I’ve ever seen in there are male.

Actually, I think that pretty much goes for most of Halifax town centre. What scares me most is that a vast proportion of the worst genetic freaks seem to have offspring. How can a bloke get that desparate? Or that drunk?

Remind me never to go out drinking in Halifax. Ever. Actually, I did once. The night ended watching some poor sod getting his head jumped on (literally – jumped on) by some psycho trendy freak who’d recently been kicked out of the army for being “mental”. I’ve not been back out there since.

Chavs out!

I heard from Dean (ex-neighbour, now landlord of that property) today, and apparently the chavs next door have been given the heave-ho for non-payment of rent. One of the rooms is apparently in a right state, and they’ve made a crap job of fixing the bathroom door the police kicked in to get to the fugitive they were harbouring.

A huge change from the previous people. Dean turned up to give the house a tidy before re-renting and didn’t even have to open the packet of dusters – the place was spotless.

What’s worrying me, though, is he said “You’ve probably already noticed…” before he told me. Well, I hadn’t, because one of the scrotes was stood on the doorstep this morning when I left for work. I’ll be keeping a close eye on the place over the next couple of days to make sure they’re not sneaking in with spare keys.

First off – apologies to the many I know who read this page who aren’t as mad as the utter ******* I’m going on about here. As I’ve stated before I couldn’t care if you worshipped an invisble cloud man, aliens from Mars or the plop that comes out of George Bush’s crinkly arse. So long as you don’t try and force your views on me (or anyone else), I’m happy for you to enjoy your life choices.

This happened a while ago, but I’ve only just found some sites with details. Have a check of this statement from a UK cancer charity. Yes – they were forced to turn down a substantial sum of money because a bunch of ******* god-botherers were pissed off about where they were getting it from.

Basically it boils down to: “If you accept money from Jerry Springer The opera then we, as caring Christians, will picket your charity shops, harass staff at your cancer care centres and upset seriously ill patients. Because we care about Jesus and we love you.” The hypocritial, ******* *****. Every ******* one of them.

Part of me hopes there is a heaven, purely so St Peter can stand there and tell them to **** off when they die for being such utter, self-important, ****-stirring ********.

If you want to see a site devoted to telling these people what pricks they are then check out the Anti Christian Voice site. Recommended.

What’s the similarity between teabags and condoms? Not the fact that they both leak icky fluid if you buy cheap ones. If you get a big box of johnnies, or a big bag of teabags, the items inside are always joined together in pairs. Why?

With teabags… hmmm. Maybe it’s to make people who make a cup on their own seem pathetic and lonely. Like Mr Tetley is saying "You should have friends". Or perhaps we all drink our tea too weak and it’s supposed to be made with two bags per cup.

Condoms, however, should only be used one at a time. Unless you’re desparate to deaden the sensation far enough that you don’t pop your cork too quickly in which case any sensible person would just get the extra safe, made-from-the-rubber-of-four-old-welly-boot type. I just can’t think of a situation where two people would need a condom at the same time.

Erk. Actually, thinking for the briefest of seconds maybe I can. But I’m filthy so let’s let that one slide.

The only reason I’ve found for it is if you’re trying to separate them into singles to put them in your wallet, at least one will end up tearing off the perforations and ripping the packet open slightly. End result being that you’ve got to buy more sooner, and you’re compelled to have a posh **** so as not to waste it.

Marketing people, eh? *tut*

Anni, have some flipping patience. I know you live only to read my wit and intellect as it is directed at these pages, but hold your horses if I miss a day once in a while. Sheesh. I went from work to the Beeb, to Norwich and back again. As such, I collapsed in bed when I got home at some silly time this morning and have only just struggled into the light now.

I’ve not heard “me” on radio yet, though the Beeb have very kindly said they’d send me a CD of the broadcast shortly. I didn’t get to do a proper “QA” interview, as the chap who presents the show in the afternoon wasn’t available to pre-record earlier in the day so it’s apparently a bit “soundbitey”.

Sharon listened to the broadcast and said I sounded “very professional”, although I confess that due to lack of sleep I may have blundered on a point or two. I’m flipping paranoid and will be until I hear what it was I said when I get the CD!

Must have been my day for it, because I also got collared by Sky TV outside the Norwich game for a quick interview. In which, again, I fear I got my words muddled at one point…

I have now slept. I hope this does not happen again.

Good luck to Norwich, by the way. Their fans were very welcoming, though I still find it weird to go to a ground and see one stand full of people clapping and singing (not including us), but the rest sat on their backsides doing nowt. We felt sorry for them – as we did with Man City last season, so gifted them the extra three points.

Honest.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go and get ready for work. Is that OK, Anni?

Tomorrow at 2:35pm (subject to change, apparently, but between 2:00 and 4:00), I’ll be on BBC Radio Leeds doing a brief interview about Douglas Adams, and more specifically The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy. The premier of the (awful-sounding) film is tomorrow and they needed a “local expert” to talk about it. Sadly, he was busy so they had to settle for me.

You can also listen live online, so you can catch it that way if you’re foreign (i.e. anywhere outside of West Yorkshire).

It’s been years since I was on the radio (for those who didn’t know, I used to be a rock/metal DJ and a ******* fine one at that) so I’ll probably waffle a load of crap. Hang on. That’s the whole point… If you’re really nice, I’ll encode the tape they’ve said I can have and pop it up here somewhere for download.

It’s a pre-record rather than a live broadcast. By 2:00, I’ll be on the way to Norwich so we had to shift it.

Hey, can you swear on the BBC?