How to get rid of hawkers

Location in Bali

I’ve had two “conversations” in particular recently with people following me down the street trying to sell me stuff. Im in Kuta on the island of Bali, and the people here can be pretty persistent when they want to separate you from your cash.

One person I completely ignored was a women yelling “Mister! Massage, mister! Massage? Mister? MISTER!!! MASSAGE!!!”

Why did I ignore her? Because I was stood at the Bali Bombing Memorial trying to read the names of the dead. Pretty much the most inappropriate place in Bali to try and sell someone a body rub (likely followed by a quick ****). If she thought I was rude by walking off, she obviously had no idea how rude she was being.

Of the original two, though, both occurred on the same night. I’d met up with an Aussie guy, Zane, and we were looking for somewhere to get a beer quite late on. As we pounded the pavement along the beach front, a shifty guy fell into pace behind us.

“Hash, boss? You want hash?”

I kept walking.



“Blow, weed? Boss? You want some smoke?”


By now I was reaching “pissed off”.

“Coke, boss. I get you coke?”

I stopped. I turned. He smiled, thinking he had a sale.

“Look. Just **** OFF.”

His smile rapidly vanished as he scowled and scuttled off. Harsh, but effective.

A couple of hours later as we staggered back to our relevant domiciles, we were both accosted by a prostitute. She hopped off a moped driven by someone else and grabbed my balls through my trousers. Now, the last time this happened, I lost my wallet. Reaction 1 – hand into pocket to grab the cash so that wouldn’t happen again.

The usual spiel: “Me **** you hard, you want me to **** you hard? Me suck you.”

She then grabbed Zane’s package. “Both of you, yes? **** me at same time?”

“We’re gay,” I told her.


“Yes – he is my boyfriend. I don’t like women.”

She looked confused. OK, tactic two.

“Do you speak dirty? Bad words?”

Now she understood. “Yes, you like that? You want me to talk dirty while you **** me?”

“No, I want to make sure you understand dirty words. Let go of my balls or I’ll break your ******* nose, you bitch.”

She actually looked offended as she backed off and got onto the moped.

Still, effective. And after the last whore who touched my nutsack ripped me off, I’m not against following through on my promises. What’s she going to do, report it to the police? Prostitution‘s illegal.

I just want to say I like it here. Weather’s great, food’s superb, it’s dirt cheap and people **** off when you tell them to.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]