It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Now, where’s that from again?

2006 was a strange year. I’ve taken the biggest leap of faith of my life and seen eight new countries; I got to see one of my best friends become a dad for the first time – in New Zealand; I learned to dive; I worked with tigers in a Buddhist temple; I jumped out of a plane; I met a gazillion new people and made friends with a lot of them; I taught Vietnamese kids how to make web pages; I rode two elephants; I held a koala, a snake and a lizard for the first time.

And I had my heart broken into so many pieces that I don’t know if it will be the same again.

I guess I learned two things:

1) that people you meet can turn out to be astoundingly kind and generous even to virtual strangers. Stand up and take a bow (in no order) – Mari & Jess, the Luxfords, Mala and Gilbert, the couple who loaned me my rent in Hanoi when my cashcard got “swallowed”, the others who bought me food, Ben in Melbourne, Elaine, Belinda & Albert, my parents, the staff at Hanoi Backpackers’, staff and locals from Inn Crowd, Kim, Chris & Lydia, Anni… My apologies to anyone I’ve forgotten.

2) that the people you think you can trust the most are the ones who can let you down and hurt you more than anyone else. Even when they come with a good reputation, glowing history in being nice to people and friends that you trust to give you an honest opinion of them, don’t expect them not to be capable of lying, cheating and screwing your life up as well – if not better – than some random malicious bastard. It’s even worse when they say they care about you – or even love you – while they’re doing it.

So in the grand scheme of things, this year past has been one of balance. All of the amazing things were pretty much written off and spoiled by one single shitty event which to date still cuts deep – and for which I still haven’t had the slightest hint of an explanation.

Bitter? Fucking right I’m bitter. I have every right to be. Had it not been for this one person I’d not be in Sri Lanka right now. I’d not have SCUBA’d, skydived, cuddled tigers, visited the Taj Mahal, fired an AK-47 or held my best friend’s baby daughter in my arms. I really should owe them a huge debt of gratitude.

Instead I find myself unable to speak to them and sick to the stomach when I think of them. I’ve been depressed for months, confused, lost. This xmas, birthday and new year have been the worst of my life, while I know she’s been partying and living it up without a care in the world, deluding herself that I’m fine. I can’t look at another woman without comparing them – unfavourably in every case – with my ex. This makes it nigh-on impossible to find someone else. Anyone I picked would only be a substitute – second best and discardable should the ex change her mind about being with me. Utterly unfair on any new partner and therefore leaving me in relationship limbo.

Now does everyone understand why I’m such a miserable bastard at the moment?

Sincerly, though, a happy new year to you all. I hope it is for me as well as for you. I do have to get out of this hole and this is as good a point to start as any. No, I don’t have any resolutions. I’ll take every day as it comes, every opportunity as they fly toward me and I recommend you do the same. Keep coming back and enjoying both blogs, and leave me comments and emails.

And don’t get jealous of my travels… get off your arse and do it for yourself! You can always earn more money – but you can never get the wasted time back again.

17 thoughts on “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”

  1. yup –
    life can suck,

    but you’re alive, of sound body & mind (mostly)
    and having an incredible adventure

    so on balance, whether you believe it or not, you’re ahead of the game… just try and keep that to the forefront if you can

  2. Believe me I’m trying very hard. Some days better than others but it’s still a pain in the arse. *sigh*

  3. hey geezer.
    I can see that you’re not ok. but think about this:- you have seen seom of the most amazing things that your average dave or davette will never see. this is a good thing.

    happy new year.

  4. Cheers, fella. I know I have, and I know I’ll see more. But right now I just feel kinda lonely inside and as if it all doesn’t matter.

    The worst bit is I can’t go through pics of New Zealand without associating the whole lot with what is now a very bad experience.

    Tainted memories. Brilliant.

  5. Memories of places will last much longer than memories of people. Time will help. Karma will prevail… all you have to do is wait.

    And you’re doing the right thing… taking each day as it comes. Hang on in there.

  6. The thing is I’m linking the memories of places *with* memories of people. Which is irksome, to say the least.

    Got to take each day as it comes. Try to take it all in at once and I end up a blubbering mess.

    Women! GAH!

  7. When I start feeling like that about you as a gender again, I’ll let you know. Right now I’m just not… feeling very secure around the half of the population with internal plumbing.

  8. Sharon – when referring to hugs, large doses would be welcome now!

    BW – Hard not to perceive people that way when their lady-bumps are so obvious.

  9. Sharon – bank that one and save it for when I get back!

    BW – I’ll take your word for it… I guess I just have to start getting older.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *