Work shennanigans

A couple of work-related stories, methinks. I just hope I’m not repeating anything with them. These, obviously, hark back quite a few months to when I wrote them. Just picture a wibbly curtain and “doodle-do-doo” noises as we step back to February…

Mr Who?

First off, last week I had to reset someone’s password on the server. It’s a regular occurence for this user – maybe twice a month. He just keeps forgetting his password every time they’re told to change it. His name? And I shit you not – Mr Careless.

I thought you brought it?

Two of the lads in the office went to site last week. They met up at Leeds/Bradford and hopped on the ‘plane. Alighting at Southampton they left the terminal to get a taxi to… erm… Now. Was it Poole or Bournemouth? Neither one had bothered to bring the customer’s address with them. Cue several embarassed phone calls and a taxi driver rubbing his hands as the meter ran up.

I want to go home

At least they did a good job when they were on site. Many moons before I joined my previous company, one of the engineers was on site with a large customer that I guarantee every one of you will have heard of.

Sat at a UNIX server, he needed to delete the existing code and replace it with the new version. Simple delete statement: rm -fr which just bins everything recursively from where you are “downwards”.

Without asking.

Which is a shitter when you realise that you weren’t in the right folder to start with and you’re actually trashing their entire system from top level down. As this guy is frantically trying to log on to another terminal to kill the process, the phone goes.

“Hey, erm… our system’s gone down? Is this anything to do with the upgrade?”

“Errrr… yes. Yes it is.”

Fortunately, they had given him a full system backup on tape before he started. I don’t know if they ever knew what happened.

Updates and Exports

Folks, if you want to get updated when this page has new posts, there are a few ways to do so. Bloglet died a few months back, so that option’s gone. You can still look to the left there and use the “Mail me” link – I’ll add you to a list and send you a short mail each time there’s a new post. Or, scroll down to the “Subscribe” box and use some kind of feed – Atom and RSS are both there.

The Audio version doesn’t seem to work with this blog, though it’s fine on the Travel Blog. I’m going to do some hefty work on the template on this one and republish sometime and I think that might fix it. In the meantime, I’ll leave the link there so when it does work…!

Please click on any and all adverts you see, too. As part of the template work, I’m going to try and get the charity information (and some sponsoring Google ads) down the right hand side. I’ve been meaning to do this for far too long and I have a couple of days spare. Bear with me, though, I might not get it done before I fly to Cairns.

Now back to the rude stuff:

Exporting “people”

I know immigration’s back in the news in the UK with them wanting to do what the Aussies and Kiwis have been doing for a while – let people in with skills and tell everyone else to fuck off. Now, this is all fine and good if you can get it to work. Bear in mind, though, that Britain will still be a piece of piss to get into and once someone’s there, they can bugger off and work in Europe with their nice new passport.

This is exactly what’s been happening in New Zealand. It’s a lovely country, the people are great but wages suck ass and holiday allowances are akin to those given to galley slaves in Roman times. But… it’s easier to get a Kiwi passport than an Aussie one (despite measures made a couple of years ago to make it harder) so people still head there first, grind down for 5 years then piss off over the water to Kangaroo Land. Hell, even the native Kiwis work in Oz and bring their money home.

Changing the tack slightly. The UK still has a gazillion unskilled immigrants (legal and otherwise) that really are of no use to the country. They’re scum. And we don’t need them. For no other reason than we have enough of our own home-grown scum to be getting on with. We don’t need someone else’s. We’ve a proud history of producing some of the best scum in the world. From the barbarians that put the shit up even the mighty Roman empire through to today’s waste-of-space chav, we have some of the best scum on earth. Even the Yanks ripped us off with their trailer trash. We had caravans first, people.

Now a part of the problem with the immigrant scum (and note that by this I mean scum who are immigrants – I am certainly not applying the label to all people who move to the UK) is we can’t find them. They sneak in under the radar, don’t work, sponge off the state and expect sympathy when they can’t get work because they don’t even speak the fucking language.

So here’s the deal. We work out how many unskilled, unemployable, non-English speaking wankers there are who’ve just come over here for an easy ride (there are figures – double them to get a more accurate reading)… then we gather up the same number of ASBO-ridden chav cunts and export them – forcibly if necessary… actually, I’d prefer forcibly – to the countries we got these shits from. A few tens of thousands of Burberry-clad, chain-smoking, drug-addled, breeding-like-rats chav cunts dropped in China may make them look after their own borders a bit fucking better.

May I volunteer my ex-next door neighbour as the first one to load onto a Hercules? If that piece of shit doesn’t convince some foreign nation that their own sponging bastards are a better deal than what we have to offer then I’ll drink my own piss.

Asbos viewed as ‘badge of honour’

Really – who didn’t see this coming. Thing is, I found it hard to get someone nailed with one. I called the police three times on the cunt I used to live next door to and they wouldn’t give him or his mates one for drug use, drug sales, spousal abuse, trespass, vandalism, antisocial behaviour… The poor fuckers must have been distraught that all their efforts were going to waste.

Read more at news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/…

Telly and education

Using the disabled in adverts

I’ve seen a few of these “infomercials” over in Australia, and they’re just like the ones back home. They all seem to use the physically challenged to show how shitty the item is that their wonder-product is designed to replace.

Bagless vacuum cleaner? Show a total spacka trying to close a bagged cleaner on the bag because they can’t get it to fit inside. Again. And again. And again.

Spaghetti cooker? Show some cripple snapping dry spaghetti to get it to fit into saucepan, spraying it all over the place.

Food-choppy thing? Show a complete mong struggling to use such a complicated device as a standard grater over a chopping board. Not just badly, but as if they have absolutely no hand/eye coordination whatsoever. Emphasise how likely it is that their parmesan cheese is likely to be flavoured with knuckle if they don’t spend $35 on a the Chop-a-matic.

And to top it all, what’s the special offer to convince you to buy the vacuum cleaner I mentioned? Buy one, get one free. Who the fuck wants two vacuum cleaners? Except someone so completely wankered that they’re likely to break the first one. The kind of person who can’t use a grater, for instance.

Education

Is it wrong that I’m learning more about European history from the Doctor Who novel I’m reading than I was ever taught at school? Up until getting halfway through World Game I didn’t even know that Napoleon fought against both Wellington and Nelson, or what century this was in, let alone the actual years.