The thick(head) plottens

More on ratboy. First off, in his maneuvers the other night, I’ve noticed he’s succeeded in squashing the border to his little pebble “garden”. The ****. The only damage he does and it’s to his own (soon to be Kim’s) property.

I wound him up something rotten last night, too. He wasn’t best pleased when – after literally screeching to a halt and skidding up the drive then leaving his car parked there again – I went out and took photos of it…

Ratboy: Does it look better on your camera than on the drive?

Me: No. It’s still illegally parked, but the police and council asked me to take pictures for evidence. There are four complaints lodged against you, plus two solicitors dealing with it.

R: **** your ******* solicitors. I can ******* park there if I want. I’m going to work in ten minutes. Can’t you just knock on the ******* door?

M: The point is that I shouldn’t have to knock on your door. You’re illegally parked. It’s as simple as that. Though you seem to be somewhat simpler than that so I understand that it’s hard for you to grasp. Anyway, you know it’s illegal – I passed on those documents to you – the ones you signed when you bought the house.

R: They went straight in the bin.

M: That doesn’t surprise me. They probably had too many long words on for you. So anyway, which is it? Ignorant, stupid of just selfish? Frankly, I go for selfish, or a combination. You are, frankly, the most selfish, lazy, ignorant scum I’ve ever had the severe displeasure to have to live near?

R: Yeah, that’s it. I’m selfish. Maybe you should look at yourself in a mirror sometime.

M: Oh, you’ve mastered mirrors have you? Got past the stage where you think it’s another real person pointing back? You’re full of surprises. And you’r incredibly selfish. You drive around here like a lunatic when you’re not blocking people’s rights of way.

R: What’s it to you how I ******* drive? I can drive how I ******* like.

M: You’re exceeding the speed limit almost every time you leave the drive and go up the street. You skid round corners. This is a housing estate. I know you don’t give a toss about anyone else’s kids, but they do play around here and if I ever do see you in jail, I’d rather it wasn’t for mowing one of them down. Anyway, shift it. I’ve checked and I can clamp you if you park there. It’s private property [this is a fib – I’ve not checked and I think it’s dodgy legal ground, but hey]

R: **** you. It’s not illegally parked. Your girlfriend’s illegally parked [points at Sharon’s car which is most definitely not illegally parked at the roadside, and coincidentally where ratboy normally parks when he’s not blocking the drive… so he’s basically accusing himself of parking illegally when he’s not parked illegally. Oops] Anyway, I know people who can get clamps off.

M: Why doesn’t it surprise me that you know a bunch of criminals who can break into things? No worries. I can also have your car towed. Let’s see you break it out of a locked police compound, or haven’t your mates advanced to breaking and entering just yet?

Ms Rat-Boy: Hey, you can’t talk. You blocked me in the other day, so you’re parking illegally. You don’t have to do that.

M: Actually, I was only trying to get up my drive, which I’m legally entitled to do. I got as far as I could before hitting an obstruction – your illegally parked car. And you were there a hell of a lot longer than ten minutes, so don’t go using that as an excuse.

R: Oh, go back in your ******* house. Go on – **** off.

M: And on what grounds are you going to make me? I’m actually legally allowed to stand here as long as I want… unlike your car.

R: If you’re still there when I go to work, I’ll ******* run you over you ****.

M: OK, let’s make this clear. You are going to run me down, in your car? Which I’m stood in front of, even though you have to reverse to get out of the driveway? You’ll deliberately drive forwards to run me over?

R: Yeah, I’ll ******* run you down you ****. **** off back in your house.

M: [gales of laughter and glee] Thank you! Threatening and abusive language. Thanks so much for helping us prove a point and get more evidence against you, you stupid little man!

R: **** off – have you got ******* microphones everywhere? I don’t ******* see them, you prick

M: This is a digital camera with a microphone, and there are three people watching. I don’t need any more than that. Now why don’t you go inside and calm the hell down, sit and try to think for a bit without making your head hurt and move your car? And stop acting like a spoilt little child who can’t have it all his own way? There’s a good chap.

R: **** you [door slams]

M: Witty. Good night to you. Steve? Did you get that?

Steve (neighbour): Every word.

Hey ho. Shortly after, I was loading stuff into the car when ratboy appeared. He jumps into the ratmobile, and in a screech of tyres comes roaring out of the drive in reverse. Swings the car to the left and just misses Sharon’s car. And I mean just. Maybe 2 inches in it.

For reasons best known to himself, he reverses the entire length of the street and screeches to a halt. It’s wet and I’d guess he skidded a couple of feet when he stopped. Then, he roars back down the street and screams to a second halt a few feet in front of my car (narrowly missing the open driver’s door), basically parking on the opposite side of the street to the driveway. Gets out, storms off in a sulk.

Needless to say, Sharon moved her car and popped it into one of the now-available parking bays. As she was doing so, two young girls who live at the end of the street came walking past our drive on the way home. If they’d been two minutes earlier, I have serious doubts that one or both of them would be able to walk right now – I swear he didn’t look before speeding out of the driveway. That is why his driving concerns me, and it’s only one examnple of how bad it is.

I have also since spoken to the people in one of the other houses and they’ve asked for the details of the person in the council dealing with the complaints so they can add their 2p’s worth. Actually, I think they’ll get about a quid in there.

Oh, the one bit of good news – he’s finally passed his solicitor’s details on to the estate agent. About bloody time. One step closer to being rid of the repugnant bottom feeder.

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Already thought of it. It’s just catching him doing it. It usually consists of:

*car door slam*
*squeak of loose fan belt cable*
*crunch of gears*

and gone. About 20 seconds or so.


Cheques payable to… Nah. If anyone’s going to do any assaulting, it’ll be him. Hopefully. I have enough witnesses who’d be glad to see him locked up and I reckon it’s worth a fat lip to see it.

My nice neighbour talked to the police yesterday and I believe they’re sending one of the ASBO officers over to see him (ie Steve not ratboy) shortly.


Get a wife…. very expensive proposition. I’ll stick with having a neighbour at number 7 who works for the council. And who is also a *very* stubborn woman who hates his guts already.

We’ll get the bugger. Even if it means me joining the boys in blue myself.


Go on, **** through his letterbox. You know you want to.


I can’t believe you remembered all of that conversation!


I still remember the conversation I had with some other neanderthal in Big W’s car park 2 years ago when he almost ran me over.

And I can’t **** through the letterbox. Two reasons:

1) It’s soon to be Kim’s letterbox and that would be just *too* weird

2) There are two little girls living there. Much as their mum is a tramp and their… erm… mum’s boyfriend is a ****, it’s not fair to risk them treading in it.

I will not sink to his level unless I can have umpteen witnesses present to say that I didn’t.

I sympathise with your ongoing situation, as I was in a similar quandary not long ago.

The tube downstairs kept on going out at 11pm, leaving his stereo system blaring at full volume.

Playing the same song over and over.

It became quite distracting after a while…

But I was lucky. My wife works for the local Constabulary, and her ‘friends’ paid a visit and kicked his door in, removed his stereo, and left a wee message for him.

Next thing I know he’s banging on my door shouting ‘Help! Help! I’ve been robbed!” to which I say “OK, you better contact the police then…”

And the funny thing is…he did!

The Sherriff confiscated his stereo, fined him 200 quid and the council evicted him!


Maybe you should get a wife that works for the rozzers?


let me know if you ever need contributions to the fighting fund – I reckon it’s worth a fiver of anyone’s money to rid the world (well, your immediate vicinity anyway – I’m not advocating hiring a hitman, or even Scary’s possibility of a shitman) of such a twunt

Chris Parr

One thought on the ASBO thing:

Keep a video camera handy. When you hear him come out of his house, grab it and film him trying to be a stunt driver. Pass that onto the ASBO people.

Actually pass it onto the Police also. Maybe they will have something to say too.

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x