Hallmark cards they don’t do

I know there’s a “joke email” going round at the moment about cards that you can’t find in Hallmark, Clintons or wherever. I noticed they missed one off the list and I think it’s a very important one that they really ought to have. I’ve drafted an open letter to Hallmark below.

Dear Mr Hallmark-Cards-Limited,

I would first of all like to that you for your wide range of humourous, sympathetic and joy-spreading greetings cards. However, despite this range I have noticed a market niche that you have yet to fill. I popped into a Clinton’s store recently and enquired about this area, asking where the cards were and was asked to leave by the manager. I was, obviously, rather hurt and upset by this and can only assume that the staff didn’t want to reveal that they had a section of the market uncovered.

In brief, the previous night has been a joyous moment for me. My partner and I had shared a moment that few (I have heard) experience and I wished to express my gratitude and feelings for her and for the trust she had shown in me with that moment. I had planned to buy flowers and a card which expressed my feelings to go with them.

Sadly, despite trawling through the various sections of the shop and asking the assistants, I could find no sign of a “thank you for letting me penetrate you anally” card. This is as major an occasion as a first anniversary, a first birthday together, or losing your virginity to someone (something else I couldn’t spot in the shop, though I wasn’t looking for that type of card so I might just have skipped them).

I have taken the liberty of writing a couple of ditties that you might find useful for future marketting. I would, of course, expect some payment if they are used (also if some adapted form is used) and as such have CCed my solicitors in on this communication. I hope you don’t mind!

I must write to you, my love

As up your bumhole I did shove

My big turgid love root

Right up your poop-chute

And it fit like a tight, sweaty glove

Oh my love, you are sweet

You allowed me to meet

One of my life’s aims last night

With lots of Anu-lube

About half a tube

And my nob still smells of your *****

Sadly, I have not managed to wend the words "arsehole" and "drool-lubrication" into one verse, nor can I find a decent rhyme for "dirt-bagging", but please bear with me.

I await your response.

Yours faithfully

(etcetera)