Olympic bids

OK, I get the first bit out of the way. Why does our bid have to be for bloody London again? It’s supposed to be a British bid, yet (with the recent successful exception of the Manchester Commonwealth games recently), it’s always bloody London that gets the nod.

London already has enough money. If it can’t sort the tube out by now then it never will. Building the new Wembley down there was annoying enough, only they go and snub people further north and west again by nominating it for the Olympics. What’s wrong with Birmingham? Central (within England at least), international airport, rail hub, plenty of spare land to build on. Or even somewhere in the lowlands of Scotland, or on the borders – slap dash in the centre of Britain itself?

I shall stop talking common sense now and move on to the sarcasm part.

5 Live this morning had the deputy mayor of New York on talking about their bid. He sounded quietly confident (as all the representatives are) and was asked what he thought of the other bids. "We don’t pay attention to the rest" (paraphrasing) was his reply. The presenter pushed him about this, but why? He’s American. They are the world. It’s not the fact that he doesn’t care about the other Olympic bids – he just can’t see past the eastern seaboard.

One thing does appeal about the US bid, though. Under the regulations, you’re allowed to farm off certain events elsewhere outside the immediate host city (but within the host nation) if facilities are better. For instance, we’re looking at holding some of the water events in Weymouth and the football tournament around the country.

The US has a lot to use, here. Beach volleyball, for instance, needs somewhere hot and sandy. So they could use Baghdad. After all, it’s pretty much part of the US now, and there’s loads of pre-demolished buildings they could clear away to build any new accomodation needed for the athletes.

They could even roll the summer Olympics up with the winter ones and host those in Alaska. Unless the entire place has melted courtesy of Bush’s apparent policy to rush global warming on as quickly as he can.

Greco-Roman wrestling would be easy to host. Young men, all oiled up and wriggling on the floor? Surely Elton John has a house in LA somewhere they could use?

Archery and shooting events could take place on the White House lawn. As well as the lovely backdrop and scenery, there’s always a chance that we could get lucky and a wild arrow/bullet could catch El Presidenté in the forehead. Let me dream, ok?

That new synchronised diving even would get added entertainment value if the comeptitors had to jump from the torch on the Statue of Liberty. While I appreciate that they’d be more likely to land on concrete than mucky water, this should at least reduce the number of people entering the next Games and hopefully get the "sport" taken out of the calendar.

Football wouldn’t be an issue for them as (aside from Brad Friedel) they can’t play it, although it would be fun if they got confused and fielded an American football team against, say, Argentina. I’d watch that. Especially if they could get Maradona out of retirement purely so I could see his spleen thrown 10 feet out of his body after a rough challenge from a linebacker, the lardarsed, cheating, drug-crazed, sweaty ****. Alternatively, bring rugby back as an Olympic sport (last used in the 1940’s I think) and just tell them that it’s "pretty much like football". Then watch them crap themselves when they realise they’ve got to keep moving for the whole 90 minutes and that they’re not allowed any protective clothing.

The US should also do well in the women’s shotput. With Brigette Nielsen and Jackie Stallone fitting the bill as competitors (very unattractive, male-looking and probably hairy). That’s another event for Hollywood then.

Following last year’s successful introduction of "nutter at a marathon", I feel New York would be ideal. There are loonies everywhere. I’m sure at least one of them would be happy to try and bum change off a guy running past in shorts. Actually, New York’s famous muggers and pickpockets may help ensure a new record is set. Simply stitch a wallet full of dollar bills to the competitor’s backs and route the race through Harlem or the Bronx. It’d be the world’s first 26-mile sprint. Also, I’m sure the marathon route could wend its way past Central Park giving Paula Radcliffe somewhere nice to sit and shoot the breeze when she caves in towards the end of the race.

Hmm. I appear to be favouring the foreign bid. Not that London’s not bloody foreign anyway.