Dedication
How’s this for loving your job? Paul came in, bright and spritely at 9:15 this morning, his usual time.
On the first day of his week off.
The daft sod had forgotten he was on holiday until he was halfway here on the train. Some people love their jobs too much.
Big-tongued freak appeal
Sharon’s asked me to mention Feed Me Better, the campaign headed by lollop-mouthed annoyance-monster Jamie Oliver to get better school dinners for kids. I did warn her I’d not be able to do it without taking the piss out of the mattress-tongued git.
At least I was true to my word.
Aren’t films boring?
I was unfortunate enough, the other night, to catch the end of some film with George "old but somehow still sexy apparently" Clooney and some waif who’s name escapes me. It was the usual formulaic rom-com claptrap: man meets woman, man pretends to be cool and good with kids, woman pretends to be cool and good with kids, kids spot that adults want to shag, adults avoid shagging because they’re shy… until the end of the film when love blossoms and everyone is happy.
*yawn*
What we need is a new genre. Like Sean of the Dead extended things with the rom-zom-com, we need a romantic comedy with a shock/horror ending. Something like Sleepless in Seattle meets Se7en. OK, picture the scene. We’ve been through all the "will they/won’t they" crap. It’s the last couple of minutes. All the women in the audience have turned their hankies to papier mâché and are now blubbing into their (ever-patient) partner’s shoulder. Why this happens, I don’t understand and I doubt I ever will unless I grow ovaries.
But anyway. All is happy. The strings swell in the background. They lean towards each other as the focus softens and the kids either hide in the next room or stand there giggling at their parents.
*BAM*
The guy who runs the paper stand down the hall bursts in and beheads the leading man. Blood everywhere. Screams. He yells something like "Your husband didn’t die in an accident! I killed him! You were supposed to come to me for comfort, you bitch!!!" then detonates the C4 strapped to his chest.
The flames fade. Titles roll.
Or how about the two leads leaning towards each other, tongues ready for a little tonsil hockey action when…
*SCHNICK*
George Clooney / Tom Hanks / whoever yanks out a knife and slits Meg Ryan / Susan Sarandon / whoever’s throat. With a maniacal cackle, he watches her collapse to the floor, blood spurting up the walls. As he turns to leave, the camera catches an unto now covered tattoo on the back of his neck that reveals he’s the mass murdered mentioned sometime around the 10th minute of the film and forgotten about since.
What’s best, is if there are kids involved in the storyline then you’ve got sequel material right there. They’re bound to grow up screwed by the divorce/gratuitous parental murder combo and probably end up like the paper guy themselves. You could sneak them into a follow up, or what seems like an unrelated film as an in-joke.
I’m wasted in this job. I’m only here to save up for the ‘plane ticket to Hollywood and then I’m outta here.
(Actually, I’ve just been to see Robots and I definitely recommend it)
And I don’t read what I write sometimes!
I tried Manga once, but it got caught in my teeth. No, seriously, is that stuff ****** or what? I’ve got a handful of videos (you remember – big plastic cassette things?). Urotsukidoji I and II spring to mind. All big wide eyes, and tentacle rape.
Utterly, utterly, mind-buggering weirdness.
I would just like to point out that it is a very rare film has me weeping into a hanky. And *never* into a blokes shoulder (hmm, maybe that’s something to do with the blokes I go out with?).
Anyway, I much prefer a good horror to the pap that is most of the films around nowadays.
lol mosher you should watch japanese manga. or at least some foreign cinema. it never has a straightforward storyline which is why i never watch hollywood anymore.
Must be the only romantic female who reads this… 🙂
But thanks for reminding me about Liza!
Tough, I like the the Romantics… and I like milions of other women, and some men will continue to go see them!
And Robots was really really good 🙂
You like millions of women? I thought you were just fixated on Liza Tarbuck? I told you – she’s mine.
(Commas, dear. Commas)
your movies actually sound REALLY good. I hate the typical cheesy endings where the guy always get the girl. *gag*