That serious one

I meant to post this a little while back, but got rather busy. Never let it be said that I’m not “open” on this blog…

You’ve had a giggle the last couple of days with some of the pre-written material. Well, today we get one of those serious posts. This one’s pretty “open”, but I think it’s worth it. Please read this, take it on board and pass on to your friends.

First, the good news. I am seeing someone new. For the first time in quite some months (over a year?) I’m an attached man. I’m not going to harp on any more as I don’t want to get all mushy. I’ll tell you more about her as and when. As a result of deciding to settle on one person (I’ve been fairly… frivolous over the last year or so), I decided to play things very safe. I don’t want to drag in any unwanted problems from my previous lifestyle into a relationship.

So, I went to the local GUM clinic. Many of you might refer to these as the Clap Clinic, Genito-Urinary Medicine unit (if you’re posh) and various other names. It’s not the first time I’ve been to one of these places – in fact, it’s the third. But when we’re talking about my willy and attached bits, it makes sense to have a “service” once in a while, especially if you play with more than one partner.

Without exception, anything these places find stays within the clinic. Your doctor doesn’t know. Your employer doesn’t know. You don’t have to declare anything to insurance companies. It’s more confidential than George Bush’s real IQ. Nobody will ever find out.

The staff, certainly those at the one in Bradford I visited, are superb. Polite, friendly, humorous, understanding, discreet… they know it’s hard for people to drag themselves there so they put you at ease. I’d rate it as one of the nicest medical facilities I’ve ever visited. Their questioning is thorough – be honest in your answers as it can help them to make sure they check for any relevant problems.

On my recent visit, a (fairly cute) student nurse was present. I was asked if I minded her being there and, surprising myself, I didn’t. Hey, she’s got to learn about the job somewhere and it’s not like a lass her age won’t have seen a nob or two in her time. Given the fact that she got to see me with my trousers round my ankles while I doctor prodded my bollocks, she didn’t giggle once, and was very pleasant and polite. Full marks from this member of the public!

Now, I’ll have to be honest – the visit isn’t 100% chattery loveliness. Depending on what you’re being checked for, there are a couple of tests that can be… uncomfortable. I went for the whole shebang, just because I could. The advantage of the NHS in this country is that all this is free – make the most of it.

Obviously, I can’t tell you the details of the female tests (some vague details follow), but if you go the whole hog as a bloke expect the following:

• A thorough questioning about what you’ve been up to, who with and where
• Some nice doctor having a good peer at your willy and the surrounding area followed by a fairly firm grope
• Needle in the arm for a small blood sample to be taken
• Another nice gentleman asking if you have any problems such as a burning sensation while peeing, who then shoves a cotton bud up your japs eye (******* uncomfortable) and asks you to piss in two plastic cups. If you didn’t have a burning sensation before, you do now
• A closing interview based on immediate findings and some advice

Having asked around, the female equivalent is roughly:

• Questioning
• A procedure similar to a smear, including stirrups and stuff but several samples are taken
• Blood test
• Final interview

So you see, the two are fairly similar. They check for pretty much everything from the obvious nasties (gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, hepatitis) to ones that people maybe don’t think or know of (such as chlamydia, a link I recommend you check out). Chlamydia’s massively common, not easy to spot if you have it and stupidly easy to treat if caught early. However, if you don’t catch it early, it can lead to infertility in both sexes.

It’s free (in the UK at least), it takes about 30 minutes and it can save you from a lot of future discomfort as well as that of those you’re intimate with. ****, it could save your life.

Sorry for the public service announcement, folks, but don’t let a bit of embarassment potentially **** up your life. Get an expert to give your gonads the once-over!

And no, I’m not telling you my results you nosey ***** (just added that last bit there so you’d ******* know you were still on the right twatting web page)