News roundup

Cure for cancer

Well, not quite, but a recent study has given some incredibly hopeful results in the fight against cervical cancer in particular. No joke – plans are to start innoculating young girls as a preventative measure. The trials have had a near-100% success rate which is superb.

Now, it’s a known fact that those who are very sexually active are much more likely to develop cervical cancer and the innoculation needs to be given before the disease develops. It’s a preventative measure, not a cure, after all.

So, the plan is from next year to start injecting girls from 15, “before they become sexually active”. Oh, my. What sheltered lives these researchers lead.

I would suggest as a simple test, if any girl entering the clinic for her jab is wearing the slightest hint of Burberry, or has any Elizabeth Duke jewellery on, I’d reckon it a safe assumption she might well have popped her cherry. Especially if she comes wandering in with young Chesney, Gaylord and Martini in tow.

Scared yet?

George Bush is denying claims that he said the invasion of Iraq (and Afghanistan and everywhere else) is a “mission from God”.

So, who are you going to believe? Several foreign dignitaries who really don’t have anything to lose or gain by saying this? Who in fact stand to benefit from Bush’s actions, in some cases. Or afather-*******, mentally-challenged, inbred, power-hungry, greedy, lying **** flap like Bush?

But was he?

According to the BBC, Michael Jackson was mobbed at a waxworks museum today. Are you sure? I mean, how the **** can you tell the difference between that plastic freak and a waxwork model? OK, the waxwork might sweat a bit more and not suck boys’ dicks.