Author: Mosh

This is really just to piss Twenty Major off. And that’s just because a minor flame war with an Irish gent who really knows his swearing is just so damn much fun!

Here we go:

Guinness.

Is.

****.

(but not as **** as Murphy’s)

Dedication

How’s this for loving your job? Paul came in, bright and spritely at 9:15 this morning, his usual time.

On the first day of his week off.

The daft sod had forgotten he was on holiday until he was halfway here on the train. Some people love their jobs too much.

Big-tongued freak appeal

Sharon’s asked me to mention Feed Me Better, the campaign headed by lollop-mouthed annoyance-monster Jamie Oliver to get better school dinners for kids. I did warn her I’d not be able to do it without taking the piss out of the mattress-tongued git.

At least I was true to my word.

Aren’t films boring?

I was unfortunate enough, the other night, to catch the end of some film with George "old but somehow still sexy apparently" Clooney and some waif who’s name escapes me. It was the usual formulaic rom-com claptrap: man meets woman, man pretends to be cool and good with kids, woman pretends to be cool and good with kids, kids spot that adults want to shag, adults avoid shagging because they’re shy… until the end of the film when love blossoms and everyone is happy.

*yawn*

What we need is a new genre. Like Sean of the Dead extended things with the rom-zom-com, we need a romantic comedy with a shock/horror ending. Something like Sleepless in Seattle meets Se7en. OK, picture the scene. We’ve been through all the "will they/won’t they" crap. It’s the last couple of minutes. All the women in the audience have turned their hankies to papier mâché and are now blubbing into their (ever-patient) partner’s shoulder. Why this happens, I don’t understand and I doubt I ever will unless I grow ovaries.

But anyway. All is happy. The strings swell in the background. They lean towards each other as the focus softens and the kids either hide in the next room or stand there giggling at their parents.

*BAM*

The guy who runs the paper stand down the hall bursts in and beheads the leading man. Blood everywhere. Screams. He yells something like "Your husband didn’t die in an accident! I killed him! You were supposed to come to me for comfort, you bitch!!!" then detonates the C4 strapped to his chest.

The flames fade. Titles roll.

Or how about the two leads leaning towards each other, tongues ready for a little tonsil hockey action when…

*SCHNICK*

George Clooney / Tom Hanks / whoever yanks out a knife and slits Meg Ryan / Susan Sarandon / whoever’s throat. With a maniacal cackle, he watches her collapse to the floor, blood spurting up the walls. As he turns to leave, the camera catches an unto now covered tattoo on the back of his neck that reveals he’s the mass murdered mentioned sometime around the 10th minute of the film and forgotten about since.

What’s best, is if there are kids involved in the storyline then you’ve got sequel material right there. They’re bound to grow up screwed by the divorce/gratuitous parental murder combo and probably end up like the paper guy themselves. You could sneak them into a follow up, or what seems like an unrelated film as an in-joke.

I’m wasted in this job. I’m only here to save up for the ‘plane ticket to Hollywood and then I’m outta here.

(Actually, I’ve just been to see Robots and I definitely recommend it)

Cross my heart

Not a breast reference.

It’s been mentioned by a couple of people now – so I’ll update the survey question thingy this week sometime. Honestly. I will. I even have two questions to put, so I’ve got a backup. Suggestions for future questions always welcome!

BOOBIES!

That was a breast reference.

Community spirit

Some good news here. I don’t think I mentioned this on my blog, but some new guy moved in a couple of streets over roughly a month ago. And he likes his stereo. He was playing it 7 days a week, almost 24/7. I’m several hundred yards away from him, and it sounded like someone was sat outside my house with a boy racer stereo booming out of a car.

Apparently after the first weekend, one or two neighbours asked – politely – if he’d be kind enough to not play it at 3am. This he duly did. But still had it cranked from about 8am to midnight… and all weekend. Including putting his speakers out of the windows so eveyone could listen to his crap.

The police, for some reason, couldn’t do anything. I don’t know why – I’ve heard the details third hand.

Steve, my nice neighbour, was chatting to the guy in the newsagent and mentioned that he’d not heard it for a few days. It turns out that Noise Boy opened the door to around 20 people the other evening. They weren’t as polite as they had been the first time. In fact, three of them pinned him to the floor and told him in no uncertain terms what would happen to him and his property if he didn’t turn the stereo down.

Blow me, but it worked. Isn’t it nice to see neighbours banding together and watching out for one another?

Marginal delay getting these posted, sorry. I went straight out from work to get monumentally wasted so this is the first chance I’ve had. Deal with it!

Sandwich rules

Beware if ordering a sandwich in our place. They’ve actually got rules. They’re on the whiteboard opposite me:

• Sandwiches are ordered at 9:05
• No monetary notes accepted
• If you have ordered a "special" sandwich ensure you are available to collect it as they arrive so no-one else takes it
• Overpayments accepted
• No correspondance will be entered into
• Rob’s decision is final
• You are responsible for your own sandwich
• Your sandwich is at risk if you do not keep up repayments
• Rob is allergic to butter/cheese

I probably better add that the list is ©Babette (with revisions by Rob) seeing as they’ve gotten all legal on it.

Whinging at the NHS

As promised, I dropped a letter – actually an email – to the NHS in Bradford about my doctory problems:

I live on Whimbrel Close, about 50 yards from my local clinic (Lower Grange Medical Centre), so I should find it nice and easy to see a GP when needed. However, this just doesn’t seem to be the case.

Recently, it seems, someone “upstairs” has decided that I can no longer book an appointment in advance. There is only a doctor in attendance at the clinic 2 or 3 days out of 5 and on any of these days, appointments are purely “Ring on the day”.

I work full time and have recently started a new job. As such, I can’t go taking days off left, right, and centre on the hope that I’ll be able to see someone that day. Given that I have to try and get through a jammed switchboard at some point around 8:30am, the chances are slim.

If it’s possible for me to make a dental or optical appointment days or weeks in advance, why on earth is this no longer possible with my GP? We are constantly being reminded through the media that it’s worth having those little things checked up on to ensure they don’t get worse – skin blemishes, stomach complaints and so on. yet when we decide that perhaps seeing a GP may be a good idea, it’s next to impossible to do so for the simple reason that I have a job and don’t have the time to waste using the current, frankly pathetic, system.

This is supposed to be a National Health SERVICE. It seems I am more it its beck and call than it is at mine. Given that my National Insurance is paying for it, this seems remarkably unfair. While I appreciate that there have been problems in the past with patients failing to keep appointments, I regard the current solution (which I see this as) as a particularly harsh way of dealing with it.

I also believe that the NHS has targets to see any patients who require it within 24 hours of their request… so making all appointments “ring on the day” and thus only allow people to make appointments *within* that 24 hours is a particularly sneaky way of making figures look better. Sadly, it’s pretty useless when it comes to actually being a patient.

I note on the www.nyx.org.uk page that one of the main aims of the “Northern And Yorkshire Excellence” program is to “improve patient access to services (including waiting times, emergency care and critical care)”.

This is all very commendable, but if the best way you can think of is to make waiting lists at a GP finite in length by only allowing “ring on the day” then it’s a pathetically bureaucratic method. Of course the waiting lists won’t get too long if you stop people being added to them! Your figures will look great, but your patients will suffer.

All I want to do is book an appointment to see the doctor at a time which is convenient to me, and which I can arrange with my employer. Surely this cannot be too much to ask.

The staff at the health centre are, frankly, superb. From the receptionist through the nurses to the doctors themselves I have had absolutely no complaint with their manner or my treatment while I’ve been there. However, whoever makes these administrative decisions needs to sit down with the patients they’re inconveniencing and open their ears.

I also apologise for using the generic email address. Although the health centre I use is in the Bradford North/West region, I believe it it “controlled” by another which is in Girlington – Bradford Central. Hence, I’m not sure which sector to aim my concern at.

Any information you can give me would be appreciated. In particular – how on earth do I get to see a doctor without randomly using up my holiday allowance on the off-chance I can get an appointment?

Many thanks.

Lo and behold, not much more then an hour later I had a phone call from a young lady in the department. It seems that the decision to go with “ring on the day”, advance appointments or a mixture of both is one made by the individual practise managers. They’ve had a lot of negative feedback from patients of those practises which have gone down the “RotD” route and the phrase “not good enough” was used by her a few times.

With my permission, she’s forwarding the letter on to the relevant practise managers and will get back to me as and when. I hope I have done some good!

Housework

OK, folks. Here’s a list of things I’m getting done to the house. All things I want to do, most of which I have definite plans to do (finances allowing). What I’m after is feedback. Any problems you’ve had with similar things? Any cost-saving ideas? That kinda stuff. I already know not to use the same builder as Scary…

• remove bathroom radiator and replace with towel heater
• install loft ladder (already bought – needs fitted)
• additional power sockets (being done tomorrow)
• lighting in loft (also being done tomorrow)
• put loft flooring down
• replace skirting and put beading around in kitchen
• install additional bit of worktop in kitchen with rounded corner
• have a front porch built
• conservatory/extension around the back
• have garage built to replace shed/parking area
• redecorate spare room and turn into "multimedia room" for TV etc. Basically, just move the TV and stuff up there as it’s a nice rectangular shape and ideal for surround sound
• redecorate the front room, put wooden flooring down and install a pool table

Dad’s birthday

Argh. One week to go and still no flipping idea what to get him. *panic*

Paddy’s day

We’re getting ripped off over here. An email just went round reminding us that, as it’s St Patrick’s Day, the Irish office is closed until tomorrow.

Jammy ********. Why don’t we get the day off for St George’s Day? I mean, it’s not like the Irish need a designated day to get pissed and have a good time. We, on the other hand, do seem to need the encouragement.

Mind you, I think they’re a little half-hearted this year. Come on – it’s a Thursday. They may as well make tomorrow a holiday as well – I can see enough people ringing in with “migraines” as it is.

Da Vinci Code

The Catholic Church, eh? What a bunch of idiots. Over the last week they’ve broken their “official silence” over Dan Browns novel and decided to have a whinge about it.

Now, I have a few issues here. Number one is that I’ve bought the book, but not read it yet so they’re spoiling it for me.

Number 2 is that the peddlar’s of the World’s Most Popular Work Of Fiction are whinging about someone else’s Work of Fiction contradicting theirs. Hello? Important word in there? FICTION. If you’re looking for Da Vinca Code in a bookshop, where do you look (aside from the bargain bin by now)? Yup – fiction.

Not documentary. Not political history. Not popular science. Not religion.

******* FICTION.

The same section where the Bible should be kept.

Did I ever hear Isaac Asimov complaining about the fact that not every book with robots in followed his 3 Laws of Robotics? Or Bram Stoker having a go when people took liberties with the vampire and Dracula myths?

The one thing the church don’t seem to have realised that all their doing is raising interest in the novel. OK, so devout Catholics might shun it or whatever, but anyone else who’s avoided the book may decide to check out what all the fuss is about… *kerching* for Mr Brown.

Mind you, at least they’ve not launched a fatwah on him. Given the choice between the Catholics and the Muslims, I know which I’d rather have a grudge against me. Unless I was a Rangers supporter.

Bloody NHS

Backstory first. I used to be with a doctor/clinic I really liked. Good staff, good opening hours and so on. I moved house about 4½ year ago. I rang up shortly after to make an appointment and inform them that I’d moved. Just like the Post Office, they said that as I was now on the wrong side of a main road, I was out of their catchment area and I had to look elsewhere.

Bugger.

Well, there’s a clinic at the end of my street – literally. It’s about 50 yards away. I rang them up but they were “full”. This despite the fact that me moving in must have meant that someone else moved out… (three someone else’s in fact). They directed me to a surgery in Thornton, a short drive away. Who said they couldn’t take me as I was in the wrong postcode. By the time I ended up with a surgery with a vacancy, it was three times the distance away as the one who refused, and also in a shitty neigbourhood where I’d not have left my car.

One call to the Leeds Health Board later to register a complaint and – lo – the one at the end of my street had a sudden vacancy.

Anyway, time has moved on and once more I want to pop in to see the doc. Nothing serious, just a check-up and that as I’ve not had one in ages and I fancy getting an idea of how I stand healthwise. So I ring the surgery to make an appointment.

Without boring you with the back-and-forth, it turns out that the surgery only has a doctor present 2 or 3 days out of 5. I cannot book an appointment, no matter how far in advance – it’s purely “ring on the day”. And I don’t even ring them, I’ve got to ring their sister surgery for reasons which weren’t exactly forthcoming.

No wonder we’re turning into a nation of overweight, unfit, sick individuals. Between the UK work ethic (“expected” overtime, long hours) and the inability of a health service to let you plan in an appointment in advance there’s no alternative than the just let illnesses and bad habits run on. The last time I needed a doctor, I went to casualty and felt bloody bad about it as I didn’t feel it was really an emergency. Sadly, it was my only recourse.

If it’s possible to book a dental or optical appointment weeks in advance, why not so with a medical one?

No funny punchline, folks. It’s just too bloody annoying.

Mmmmmmm…. Swarfega…

How come when I burp, it’s all bubbly?

Habit-forming

I’ve just found out I’ve passed my project module (yay me, etc). This means that it’s pretty much a given then this year is my final year and I’ll be able to finally rest at the end of it and get my degree.

Explain, then, why I just spent about 40 minutes on the Open University‘s website picking at more courses.

Will someone please sit me down and explain to me in very simple words and phrases that I need to take a break? Thank you.