Oh, bloody hell.

The security guard on the site I was working at today pointed something out to me… my rear number plate is missing. I don’t bloody believe this. The only thing saving me (possibly – they’re taking their usual time over getting back to me) from a fine from South Wales Constabulary Christmas Piss Up Fund (a.k.a. the Speed Camera Nazis) is the fact that the number plate on the car caught down there looks nothing like mine.

Now that number plate’s been nicked off my car.

I’m assuming it’s been pinched as there’s no damage round where it was, just a big mucky patch. Having said that, it looks like someone’s had a go at the front one – it’s been smashed. Still legible, though.

Now, I have no idea when it was nicked. I can only assume sometime after Saturday, I think, as that was the last time I know I was round the back of the car, changing CDs. I always reverse into spaces at car parks, so the back’s always hidden from view or I’d probably have noticed sooner.

I now await a court summons for driving away from a petrol station for not paying or something equally stupid. Damn thing could have been nicked anywhere between here and Newcastle, I think.

All I bloody need. Grr 🙁

Coming Soon – Single-Seat Cars

With no stereos, timers that stop you after 2 hours until you’ve had a break and a limited top speed of 20 miles per hour. Oh, and completely shielded from all incoming and outgoing radio / mobile phone signals. Well, probably.

According to another bloody study, it’s now dangerous to listen to loud music, or music with a fast beat, in the car. Soothing sounds are better. So maybe all new cars will come with a radio pre-tuned to Radio 3 and the volume barely discernable. Obviously, sending drivers to sleep is safer than pepping them up with some decent tunes.

So, we can’t use our mobiles as that’s dangerous. Despite the fact that a good way to fight fatigue is to talk to someone and we can’t all carry a passenger all the time. Also, I’ve yet to figure out how using a mobile’s more dangerous than talking to someone in the back seat and maintaining eye contact with them for half the time.

We can’t go faster than 70 on a motorway. Despite the fact that the Germans have no such speed limit and a much lower motorway accident rate.

Now, we’re not supposed to listen to loud music (although the number of times the story says it’s a “nuisance to others” tells me they have ulterior motives). Despite the fact that “if music is above 60 beats per minute, listeners experience a faster heart rate and increased blood pressure” tells me that it would improve responsiveness and keep a driver alert.

Well, until they ban it and start sending the police out with radio receivers and decibel meters I’ll happily keep listening to Anthrax on full tilt. After all, the police don’t have anything better to do with their time. Obviously, as they seem to quite happily waste it on their shiny cameras these days. Crime, simply, isn’t an issue any more. Not when they can’t make some cahs out of it anyway.

And they say crime doesn’t pay. Unless you’re the accountant in charge of the speed camera crew. Yes, that old chestnut again. I’ll shut up now.

Things Americans Really Have To Apologise For

OK, the US has given us some good things: Root beer, KFC, Buffy, Rich Hall, the money to make Lord of the Rings, and so on. On the other hand, there are many reasons why the country as a whole should bow its head in shame and mumble humble apologies and accept chastisement. This list contains a few of those. Feel free to email/comment and add more!

  • Laugh tracks on M*A*S*H episodes – I mean, really. You have to be told when something’s funny?
  • Allowing Bush Jr to become president – OK, so he cheated. But you should have cheated more to stop the psychopathic halfwit
  • Being unable to pronounce “Leicester” or – heaven forbid – “Gloucestershire”
  • Releasing films in the US anything up to months before we get them
  • Shitting over my memories of The Avengers with that god-awful film version
  • Putting dates in month/date order instead of date/month – WHY?!
  • Making handguns “cool”
  • Re-inventing English and making their version the default on every software install. “Colour” has a “u” in it, you wankers. So does “neighbour”. And pants are worn under your trousers
  • Getting so into re-enactment and trying to like English history. You’re the lot who wanted independence. You got it. Deal with it. Stop trying to take our country over again by brainwashing our stupid prime minister
  • Thinking you’re so bloody wonderful and all-powerful you can fly in the face of NATO and company, and just invade countries for the hell of it. Then dragging us in along with you
  • Jerry Springer
  • Doughnuts (that’s with a “ugh”, you illiterate freaks) as a breakfast food
  • Ronald McDonald – the food is passable compared to other fast food, but a psycho clown as a company mascot? Three words: John. Wayne. Gacy
  • Barney the fucking purple dinosaur
  • Lawyers. OK, I admit they’re not a US invention, but let’s face it, it’s the US ones who’ve really taken things to the ludicrous extremes that other countries now think they can get away with
  • Rewriting history all the bloody time

Easter Weekend

Ain’t it weird? Having a whole weekend to celebrate a bunch of Italians nailing some guy to a piece of wood for saying that maybe it would be nice if we were just all nice to each other for once? I heard an advert playing on Century FM East Midlands over the last few days for what sounds like a re-enactment in Leicester city centre. Sounds cool, though depends how good the special effects are.

Apparently that Mel Gibson film is meant to be pretty harrowing. Basically two hours of some guy getting the shit kicked out of him. Sounds a bit dull, to be honest. I mean, even the old Arnie films have some semblance of plot, and often one more beliavable than a guy who can walk on water and cure leprosy by touching people. All that and the bible-bashers in the US go up in arms about a film involving a boy wizard… Erm…

If want harrowing and eye-opening, something that makes you think of sacrifice and how you can ever repay the people involved… watch the opening 20 mins of Saving Private Ryan. At least that’s based on a real, documented historical event.

Mind you, full marks to Mr Gibson for making an adaptation of the world’s best-selling fictional title without having to pay any royalties to the publishers. And it’s foreign language, so he can edge for the “arty” vote as well as the adaptation thing for the Oscars. Smart guy.