Category: Funny

Bad things number 2376a

Having a colleague stand by your desk for ages, then realizing that your minimized Firefox button on the toolbar reads “Spunk Junkie”.

Almost as bad as checking another colleague’s BitTorrent for him and spotting that one of his downloads is “Tight Pink Teen Sucks Cock”.

99 Words for Boobs!

Wish I could embed the video for this, but there’s no way to do it from YouPorn. Just don’t ask why I was looking. You’d never even believe me if I told you someone gave me the link. Obviously, it’s Not Safe For Work although not exactly hardcore porn. Except the pics right at the end.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… 99 Words For Boobs!

The Idiot Boss – part one

One of the first companies I worked for had a very non-IT-wise director. Actually, the guy was utterly clueless – you know the Point-haired boss? Him. Only with less hair. And he’d already bankrupted one company. Let’s call him Ralph. Mainly as that was his name. Hey, I’m not going to get sued if I tell the truth, am I? I’m legally allowed to express an opinion and in my opinion (and that of everyone in the office, to the best of my knowledge, as well as a horribly large number of our customers) the guy was a useless ****.

At the time we’d just moved from dial-up to ISDN, so pretty pricey for a net connection. As such, he decided that we’d purchase some logging software for the old NT server and the guy in "charge" of the internal systems was to cast an eye over the log each week.

He half-heartedly pulled us up on a few things because he had to. Checking bank details ("I pay expenses out of my own pocket then claim back – I’m making sure I can cover it"), looking at PC hardware sites ("just keeping up to date") and other pointless things.

He never did withdraw the MD’s net access for his recurring visits to www.farmsex.com. He did, however, show everyone else in the office the access logs.

Passport application

Thanks to Viv for mailing this one to me. I don’t often post emailed “jokes” up here, but this one’s worth it:

Dear Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s on my health insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one along with my CVS passport photo AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know… the one where we’re not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process! Hey, you know why we can’t smile? ‘Cause we’re totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone “important” to verify who I am — you know, someone like my doctor… who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN…

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.