Category: News

You could trust me as well, David

David Beckham has announced that he’d trust three of this friends with his wife, even if she was naked. Just for the record, he could trust me as well.

Is it my respect for him as a certified actor? No. See his stilted turn in Goal! and wonder why the rain forests are vanishing when we have such a vast quantity of wood so readily available.

Perhaps it’s the fact that he has captained my national squad to footballing glory? Well, no. We’ve not won **** for years and the best thing he’s done for England recently was to retire. The worst thing (bar getting sent off 9 years ago) was to cmoe back out of retirement.

Actually, it’s simple. His wife’s a minger. I’d not touch her with someone else’s. If I saw her naked, I’d likely vomit only to be interrogated as to how I managed it without sticking my fingers down my through like the bulimic wench herself likely still does. The only reason for any contact between her and myself would be so I could hold her down and force some ******* food down her throat.

Incidentally, I have it on very good authority that she’s as bossy, annoying, selfish, ignorant and stupid as I always believed. Thing is, I can’t relay the story as it would get someone I know into (professional) trouble for passing it on.

Al Qaeda make sense shock horror

I’m going to get banned from the US forever for this, but I can’t be arsed with their immigration anyway, so here goes… Al Queda want the Middle East to greet Bush with bombs when he arrives next week. Great idea. If as little ******* late.

Will someone explain how this little fuckwad has been in charge of the US for almost 8 years and nobody’s actually tried to shoot him yet? Given that less dangerous/damaging presidents have been shot in the past, how come he’s got away with it?

There is no justice.

If I disappear, please address future mails to Guantanamo. I think I’d look pretty cool in an orange jumpsuit.

Want a job – don’t post your "sickies" on Facebook

Fears As Online Info Used To Vet For Jobs screams the usual tabloid-esque Sky headline. It’s not quite that bad but I can say that my current employers do indeed trawl Facebook and the like looking for information on prospective employees.

The thing is, it’s common sense. If you go posting stuff in a public forum along the lines of “I went out on a right bender last night. Must have had 18 pints. Sick as a ****** this morning, so I rang in and told them I had ‘flu” then you’re asking for trouble. People are still in the mindset that what they post online has some kind of confidentiality. Well, it doesn’t.

Using the above example, someone could (and should) be disciplined by their employer if they were found out. I can guarantee they’d go mad about work “spying” on them. But had the same person said those words out loud in the work canteen and been overheard by their manager, would they be as annoyed at the “earwigging”? Or more at their stupidity at being caught?

I also find it hard to believe that 60% of 14-21 year olds think their online data is somehow transient and can’t be dug up in the future. Leave stuff on a blog and it’s there to be found, even if you delete it. There are numerous websites archiving the internet and they can often even have old versions of web pages that have since been erased or altered.

Basically, don’t be a ****. Whinge about your work. Complain about your manager. Point out the flaws. I personally don’t think anyone can complain about that. After all, you could do the same thing at the pub. For some reason companies react very badly to people badmouthing them on web pages, but don’t have a problem with you telling all your friends by mouth.

Thing is, this is a two-way street. If companies would listen to their staff then perhaps they wouldn’t feel the need to badmouth them on Facebook or wherever. Conversely if someone does mouth off and a manager finds it online, why not take them aside and discuss the problem instead of the kneejerk reaction of sacking them forthwith?

Druggies

Here’s interesting. The head police office in North Wales (who’s a complete cock) wants to legalise all drugs. He says this will cause a huge cut in the number of drugs-related offenses. Of course it will. Because they won’t be illegal any more.

Let’s just legalise speeding so the silly **** can take down all the ******* speed cameras he’s put up in Wales. After all, if you legalise it then the number of speed-related offenses will drop.

On the subject of drugs, when I was in Amsterdam I noticed that a lot of the “coffee” houses now offer internet as well as mushrooms and dope. Can you imagine getting an MSN off someone from one of these places?

“Sorry to take so long getting online, but I had to wait for the elephant to finish. And excuse my typing. The keyboard is just too floaty…”

I was talking to a couple of friends and they were interested in trying some drugs, just out of curiosity. Well, you know my feelings on drugs (I ain’t going there – ever), but each to their own. One wanted to try ecstasy, but not while at a rave as the music’s ****. So he wants to try it before playing an RPG or something.

I can see that D&D session going well:

DM: The skeleton attacks you.
PC: That’s cool. Just let it chill out. Maybe we can have a beer.

Mind, it could be more fun on PCP:

DM: The skeleton attacks you.
PC: **** it! **** it up! Bad! REAL Bad!
DM: OK, it’s dead.
PC: Hit it more! Stab it. Killkillkill…

The player would of course get a +15 bonus to Strength. And a -15 penalty to intelligence.

In another conversation (it’s been a weird week), we wondered that if God invented cannabis on the third day, what did he come up with on the fourth? Simple – snack foods. The universe’s biggest ever case of the munchies.

I reckon He/She/It discovered LSD before supplying Adam with Eve. Only a mind-bending drug could explain the workings of the female mind.

Hey, and who reckons they’d been at the weed when they got hammered for nicking that apple? I mean, come on. It all makes sense. Seeing a talking snake and then getting a real bad case of the munchies that you have to go scrumping to satisfy it? In fairness, I don’t think 7-Eleven was created until well after the closing verses of Genesis.

Do you want wi-fi with that?

In a move that actually makes our McD’s better than the ones in Paris, they’ve announced that by the end of the year 1200 McD’s in the UK will have free wireless internet. Whoop!

Why is this better than Paris? Because although they’ve had free wi-fi for ages, you have to buy something to get the keycode for the toilets… So in the UK, you can McSurf after your McShit and not spend any money!