Category: Uncategorised

[forgot to post this when I was in Auckland]

Close to Durex, bit not quite. This stuff is actually a close relative of Andrex. That is, you wipe your arse with it rather than trusting it to prevent pregnancy. Mind, I’ve read enough stories of chavs using clingfilm and crisp packets that I wouldn’t be surprised.

But anyway.

In NZ they have Purex loo roll. The two things I noticed about the packet Lou bought today were:

1. The ugly dog on the front. Andrex has a beautiful golden laborador. Purex has a… erm… thing with a squishy face.
2. The word “unscented”

“Unscented” scares me, as that implies that they have a scented version. What do you really want your arse smelling off? Freshly peeled lemons? Rose gardens? Spring meadows?

Personally, I’m known for having a taste for fruity flavours. More than once I’ve been caught out by Body Shop’s cranberry flavour body scrub. Mmmm…. smells fruity… tastes of soap. Ick. Now if that was a nasty surprise imagine how I’d feel if I encountered a bumhole wiped with lemon-scented Purex.

I found their album kicking about in the hostel so I ripped it. And have just deleted it. Over-rated, under-produced *****.

Roll on August 21st and the new Slayer album…

If you get a tortoise and wait till it’s just getting cold, then move it to another warm climate will it still hibernate? And if it doesn’t will it live for half as long as it should do because it doesn’t spend half it’s life asleep?

Believe it or not, this made front page news of the main Auckland evening paper. After England dropped out of yet another competition on penalties, one journalist desperate for a headline grabbed a handful of people, took them to a park and got them to take pot-shots against a “top” New Zealand league keeper.

Of course, “top” NZ keeper equates to maybe League 2 back home, but let’s let that one slide for the moment.

Out of the five who took shots, all but a 12 year-old managed to score. One 49-year old businessman who slipped one past the keeper even said that “I don’t earn thousands of dollars a week and I could manage it easily enough. I don’t see what the pressure is. Maybe England need someone like me!” (or words to that effect – I’m quoting from memory).

Now, if this is typical of the Kiwi knowledge of the Beautiful Game then it may help explain why their national squad’s recent record reads “Played 13 Won 1 Lost 12”. Because, of course, if they’d had a 49 year-old businessman running round the pitch, dying of heart failure to disrupt the opposition, it would have made all the difference. As for “pressure”, I don’t think the better part of a billion people were watching him kick balls at a pro-am keeper.

I’m not trying to defend England’s poor record at penalties – we do need to do something about it – but there is no denying that penalties have to be one of the most horrendously tense, worrying, ****-scary experiences of a fan’s life. I can only imagine what it’s like for the person taking them. Sure, you can study and practise, but I’m sure most people remember their driving test. How easy driving seemed before you took it. No problem. Up and down the streets, roundabouts a doddle, parallel parking… easy.

Then the test. Harder, wasn’t it? In fact I know for a fact that most of you will have failed that first one. And what was the difference? Pressure. One person who wasn’t friend or family who was watching your every move. One. Imagine if there had been 500 million people watching your test.

Now you know what the difference is between penalty practise and taking one in the World Cup. And until the Kiwis learn that, they’re going to langour at the bottom of the world pile looking up at the Socceroos for some time to come.

And that’s a ******* embarassing place to be sat.

First off, whoever’s scheduling these games for 4am where I am needs shot. Germany’s never been full of great ideas (making David Hasselhoff a music star, invading Poland… stuff like that), but scheduling England games for the middle of the night is just cruel.

Anyway – OK, we’re out. And there are several reasons why. I’ll list my views and then start swearing a lot, if that’s OK.

1. Rooney. Following on from Beckham’s shining example against Argentina in 1998, does something stupid and gets himself sent off. A bloody harsh decision, in fairness, but stupid and reckless all the same. The thing is I recall telling many people before the first group game was played that he’d do something just like this. Sometimes I hate being proved right. In addition, and this isn’t his fault, he’s useless up front by himself. Several times he held the ball up and had nobody to lay it off to as Sven had decided to stick to a single striker, presumably because of Crouch’s outstanding yellow card.
2. Beckham. ****. He has been for 4 years now, at least. He doesn’t deserve a place in the squad, let alone the captain’s armband. Sven’s been blinded by his reputation and stuck with him when several other players could have filled his position better. Look at his completion ratio for crosses and on-target record for shots in the tournament. Utterly lamentable. If you want proof, look at how we played one Beckham hobbled off. Despite being short a man later on (well – a fat, pathetic child anyway) we played better without him.
3. Crouch. Unlucky to get the yellow card earlier on which put him at risk of missing a match if he got another. Sven was too reticent in holding him back, though. We should have played him in one of the earlier group games with the aim of getting the yellow and being suspended for a match so he could return with a clean sheet for the knockout stages.
4. Owen. Pure bad luck. Who could have believed we’d go to Germany with 3 strikers and end up knocked out with half of one, effectively, remaining?
5. Lampard. Left his shooting boots at home and as a result became a liability. I am not complaining about his workrate or effort, but sadly he simply seemed to have forgotten how to do what he’s been doing for England during the qualifiers.
6. Lennon. Why on earth was this little ball of energy constantly left on the bench to be brough on late in the game? The surprise addition to the squad deserved more time on the field as he constantly made a difference when he came on.
7. Eriksson. The biggest problem. How come everyone else could see what I’ve written above, except the guy who mattered most? We played better with Crouch up front alone rather than Rooney. We should have risked the lanky kid earlier so he’d be available for a 2-man strike force later. Beckham is a liability and that became obvious when the team improved once he left the field. Also, we had more attacking options once Rooney was ejected than we did when he was playing! Our attacking midfielders moved up the pitch in small groups so they had options, rather than playing long-ball to a lone petulant, toy-from-pram-throwing Scouse ******.

Frankly, I worry about the future of the side as it certainly seemed like McLaren had a fair bit of input into things. If he doesn’t learn from Eriksson’s ****-ups then we’re screwed. At least it looks like Beckham will be out of the next tournament simply because of his age. Rooney will hopefully do what he did and grow the **** up in time for the next competition. Or alternatively get shot stealing someone’s hubcaps or meat pies.

Thing is, I feel the side as a whole are to blame as well. We raised our game twice for tough opposition – Sweden and Portugal. Look at how we played last night with ten men and our “second choice” striker. There was commitment, effort, blood, sweat and tears. Frankly, I was bloody proud of those ten men. They worked their arses off and deserve all the praise I can throw their way.

However.

Pretty much the same squads made bloody hard work of what should have been “easy” games in earlier rounds. Where were were sneaking 1-0 results and knocking a couple in late on against T&T, we should have been managing comfortable 3-0 and 4-0 results. We didn’t. Because the team just weren’t trying. On that evidence alone, we were never a side in competition for the title. How often do you see Chelsea, Arsenal or ManUre hold back for a narrow win when they have the opportunity to showboat it and destroy an opponent? Even in their 1-0 wins, Chelsea never make it look like they’re holding back – just being boring and tactical.

Unless McLaren turns things around and opens his eyes to do something about the egos who just aren’t trying, we’ll never get any further than the Quarters.

Roll on Euro 2008 and hopefully a more mature and well-shaped squad who pull their ******* weight.