Category: Uncategorised

Well, the countdown’s really begun. I’ve started a new “sideline” blog up at moshtour.me.uk and in less than 28 days I will be in London, and not coming back. In less than fourteen, I will have moved all my possessions and furniture out and will be dossing with friends for a couple of weeks.

It is now most definitely reaching almost “scary” proportions as I frantically look around and wonder if I’ve missed anything.

Then I realise I have, but that’s on the other blog (along with pictures of the t-shirts!) Go, now!

One thing I was hoping to do was to leave my house “useable” on first arrival by whoever buys it. You know, some water or drinks chilling in the fridge, loo roll on the spindle, cleaning products available in case it’s got dusty… the little things that’d make life that bit easier when they first move in.

However, I’m down to my last loo roll. I put it on the other night and I really don’t want to go buying another 4- or 8-pack or whatever for the sake of a couple more poops.

Then I realised how long the last one had lasted for. And then I realised that there hasn’t been a woman in the house for ages (no housemates or anything). Then it hit home how much bog roll the fairer sex go through.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t use a single sheet, wipe, fold, wipe, fold and so on until there’s not a square millimetre untainted by faecal matter before reaching for another. I’m not quite that stingy. But I can make a standard Morrisons Bettabuy cheap’n’nasty 2-ply roll last me a month quite easily. I was going through 2-3 rolls a week with a woman in the house.

What the hell do you lot do with it all? Wrap it round your hand like a big boxing glove before fisting yourselves to make sure you’ve got every bit? Or do you just like playing Egyptian Mummy in the bathroom when the door’s locked? Perhaps I’ve not noticed that my ex-housemates have actually had really, really small boobs and have been padding their bras?

Either way, I think I’m safe with the last roll I have. There should even be about half of it left to leave for whoever buys the house.

They may need to dust it before first use, though.

Today my laptop beat its record for most amazing feat ever my an electronic device. It’s not uncommon for it to say that it’s connected to my home wireless network when I’m sat in the office (with the card actually switched off), and with an “excellent” reception no less. Today, though, it’s topped that.

Not content with being linked to a network 10 miles away, today it has decided it it connected to SFG‘s home network, nearer 60 miles away in Stoke. Impressive.

I am now going to use all his bandwidth downloading kiddie-porn, copies of the Quoran and military manuals.

As well as this, in the office we now have the world’s most advanced cheesegrater. Technically, it’s the fan at the back of a feck-off huge server, but with the heat it throws out and the grille over the back, you can grate and cook food produce on it simultaneously. As an added bonus, the fan even blows the food out of the grater and onto your plate, allowing hardly any into the inner workings of the server.

Mmmmm… cheese and chip toasties. Now, if I could only figure out where that burning smell’s coming from.

You can tell I’m approaching “the end” when this is the best thing to have happened in the office for ages. A new toilet roll holder in the ground floor gents’ cubicle.

Alright, this not sound like much to the majority of you, but believe me this is a life-changer. The loo roll we get is the pre-folded piles – a bit like small, less absorbent, easy-to-put-your-finger-through Kleenex. For arses. The holder itself is a squarish box bolted to the stall wall and hinged at the bottom with a lock at the top. This is obviously to prevent the highly-paid staff walking off with a week’s worth of bumrags in one big go, rather than just pulling bunches out of the dispensing slot.

Prior to Monday, the dispenser had a fault. The lock at the top was broken. This not only meant that the aforementioned staff could easily walk of with 5 reems of arsepaper a day, but it was also a source of workplace injury.

It was far too common to get into the lavvy, pull your pants down and sit on the loo with just enough force to wobble the stall wall. This loosened the lock, which allowed the hinged section to swing down and clock you on the head. Fear not, for if you were hit hard enough to cause bleeding you only had to grab at one of the gazillion sheets of absorbent tissue collapsing from their home and heading floorwards, also via your head.

Injury and an embarassing Egyptian mummy impression in one go.

The t-shirts were ordered today. I can order more if anyone else wants, though they are only available in white, due to the amount of text on the back being too complex for the black printing. Sorry!

As I got so little sleep last night, I ended up having to take the morning off work. I was wrecked. Sorting t-shirt designs, clearing more “to do” stuff, dinner with friends and a dodgy tummy afterwards. Urgh.

Also, as anyone with one of the shirts will see, I’ve bought another domain name. This will be used for any announcements and stories relating to the Mosh World Tour and I’ll plug it on here as and when. Basically, it’ll be family-friendly so my folks can read it without being offended by any of you *****. Or indeed, this one.

Once more, apologies for the irregularity and banality of posts of late. I’m just up to my eyeballs getting **** done and meeting up with far too many of you lot.

****. Less than 5 weeks…

POST UPDATED – see the bottom

OK – I asked this in a previous comment. But how many people would be interested in a “Goodbye to the UK and World Tour” t-shirt? I’m going to get prices in town tomorrow. Front print (not got a ******* clue what yet) and tour dates on the back. I’ll see how much it costs to get 20 done in various colours and sizes. I will pass these on at cost, so if I meet you between now and leaving then I’ll hand them on. If not, all I ask is the postage (and PayPal fee if you pay that way, though I’d prefer bank transfer or cheque). I’m guessing, but I reckon if I got 20 done, they’d be about £12 each. Ish.

If I’m right, I think about 5 of you want ’em so far. And SWMBO only does black. Or something. I wonder if she’s told her hubby?

PRICES Regardless of size, white shirts will be £8.50 and black ones are £10.50 (plus postage etc where relevant). I’ll get on it and try to submit designs this evening, so they should be available before the weekend. I don’t want to be out of pocket, so I’ll only get enough done for people who confirm (comments below or email) and let me know size and colour before I order. As it stands, they’re all flipping black apart from mine!