Presents For People You Hate

OK, bored in the office and the mind started to tick again. Disclaimer: only for those with a sense of humour. If you don’t find them funny then tough as I don’t care…

  • “Vehicle Reversing” Beeper for Fat People – Ideal for that guy in the office who can’t get out of the kitchen with his coffee without backing into people
  • Highly Conductive Coffee Mug – Watch those fingers blister!
  • Fake Sweetex – It’s really cocaine. Imagine the hilarity during random office drug-tests!
  • Super-Sensitive Steering Lock – Secure, though sometimes comes on when vehicle exceeds 50mph
  • “I Brake For Paedophiles” Car Sticker – See how quickly they get run out of town!
  • “I Voted Blair In” Car Sticker – See above
  • “Cut Along Dotted Line” Neck Tattoo – You never know, someone might get the hint
  • Long Weekend in Basra – Enjoy the local cuisine, nightlife and American hospitality!
  • Domestos Deoderant – For when Lynx just can’t kill those odour-creating bacteria in your crusty armpits!
  • Vasectomy / Hysterectomy – Remove them from the gene pool!
  • A Pet Tapeworm – Easy and cheap to feed!

Damned

The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low
Level 1 – Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful) Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous) Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) High
Level 6 – The City of Dis (Heretics) Very High
Level 7 (Violent) High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Very High
Level 9 – Cocytus (Treacherous) High

Take the Dante’s Inferno Hell Test

MCFC 1 – 0 NUFC

OK, I think our best shot at Europe next season lies in winning the UEFA Cup. Only Villa and Liverpool can help our chances by screwing up this afternoon. Mind you, one Scouser I know isn’t happy. In fact I received a verbal ticking off for us not winning yesterday. If they finish fourth, then Houlier won’t get the sack…

I took a load of photos at the match yesterday, as the staff there very kindly didn’t confiscate my camera like those at Aston Villa the other week. Lovely stadium and good fans, too. The fact they won may have had something to do with it, but on the walk back round to the car I had more than a couple of very good conversations with some rather happy (and relieved) City supporters. I’m sure they’re just crossing their fingers for a Leeds defeat today as I think that’ll ensure they’re in the Premiership next season.

To be fair, the City of Manchester Stadium is too nice for the 1st Division. We want to keep it! Nice tickets, too.

Segs

OK, you know the way your mind works when you’re in a state of semi-consciousness? The way something just floats into view and synapses just spark, linking old obscure memories together? Then, if you’re really sad you decide just to post them on your blog?

Today’s obscure thread is… segs. Does anyone else remember these? I’d expect the ones of around 30 and over to perhaps have heard of them. Basically they were steel toecaps for the outside and underside of shoes. Little plates of steel with spikes in that you hammered into your footwear so that they made a clacking noise as you walked.

Utterly useless for assassins, teachers, mothers or anyone else who’s day-to-day life required stealthy movement. I found one once, just lying on the pavement. I had one seg. How sad is that? *clack* *thud* *clack* *thud*. One seggy foot, one leathery one.

They’ve not been around for years. I suspect it’s for safety reasons. A good kick with a seg on concrete would raise sparks. I can just imagine someone “putting a tiger in their tank” (another weird advertising slogan for Esso in the 80’s. I never figured that out. Surely the fur would clog the spark plugs. But I digress…) then walking to the cash office.

*clack* *clack* *clack* *spark*

WOOF

Hmm… ok, so maybe a dog rather than a tiger. But anyway. There’s where they went. Actually, I think I remember that. A sudden increase of spontaneous garage combustions pinned on the steel foot decorations which were thereafter banned from public use. I wonder if you can still get them on the black market. Suicide Seggers could be marching towards your local BP station as we speak. Kind of like a martyr’s version of Russian Roulette, never knowing if those sparks will set anything off or not.

Oh, and while I’m on the subject of pointless things that make you look “cool”, how about putting Calypso drinks cartons between the spokes on your bike so it made a “Vrrrrrrrrrrrm” noise when you pedalled?