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You could trust me as well, David

David Beckham has announced that he’d trust three of this friends with his wife, even if she was naked. Just for the record, he could trust me as well.

Is it my respect for him as a certified actor? No. See his stilted turn in Goal! and wonder why the rain forests are vanishing when we have such a vast quantity of wood so readily available.

Perhaps it’s the fact that he has captained my national squad to footballing glory? Well, no. We’ve not won shit for years and the best thing he’s done for England recently was to retire. The worst thing (bar getting sent off 9 years ago) was to cmoe back out of retirement.

Actually, it’s simple. His wife’s a minger. I’d not touch her with someone else’s. If I saw her naked, I’d likely vomit only to be interrogated as to how I managed it without sticking my fingers down my through like the bulimic wench herself likely still does. The only reason for any contact between her and myself would be so I could hold her down and force some fucking food down her throat.

Incidentally, I have it on very good authority that she’s as bossy, annoying, selfish, ignorant and stupid as I always believed. Thing is, I can’t relay the story as it would get someone I know into (professional) trouble for passing it on.

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