Category Archives: Funny

The dangers of snot

Snotty noseTo respond to Dewi’s comment on yesterday’s post: “Wrong”. And as a quick aside before I start, I’m impressed (or dismayed, perhaps disgusted) to realise that this is not the first post on this blog to be tagged with the word “snot”. Get in there.

Well, I did say I wanted to encourage my imagination and yesterday I had the chance to do so. In the best of circumstances, to whit: winding up a 6 year old. Always fun, especially when they believe everything you tell them. Sadly, on this occasion, I faced resistance but I ploughed on regardless much to the unease of those around me, I’m sure.

Let me set you a scene… small boy and father getting changed after going swimming. Small boy has a runny nose and the first thing to hand is a pair of underpants. I am thankful to say they were his underpants, and not Dad’s. Especially as his instinctive reaction was to wipe them across his nose and drag out a lovely, shiny, watery bogey which quickly soaked into the elasticated band.

“Ooh, you shouldn’t do that,” I warned, “You’ll give your bottom a cold.”

He stopped and looked at me, head cocked to one side as if trying to judge if I was telling him the truth or not. He quickly made up his mind. “No it won’t!”

“It will,” I insisted. “You know when you pump? That’s your bum sneezing.”

“No, it’s not!”

“Really, it is. You know how girls don’t use handkerchiefs like boys do? What do you think they use instead? Spare underwear. That’s why girls smell so bad. Mummy’s always pumping isn’t she?”

“Yes, but…”

“So there you go. Bottom cold. And you want to make sure you don’t get a really bad one, because then you’ll do really big bottom sneezes and it won’t be bogies that come out…”

At this point, I was getting some really strange looks from a family sat nearby and was getting concerned that we’d be banned from the pool. In the tradition of Sun reporters of your, I made my excuses and left.

Ensuring that my own undercrackers were nose-drip free.

P.S. I hope you all appreciate the fact that I spent ten minutes staring at pictures of dribbling noses before picking one (erm…) that suited this article.

iOS updates vs Android updates

Image representing Apple as depicted in CrunchBase
Image via CrunchBase

Updating iOS

Get excited that new version is coming out on set date

Jump on download the moment it comes out

Wait 6 hours for download to arrive while your eyes dry out and crust over

Re-download when download fails at 99%

Wait for reboot

Keep waiting for reboot

Try hard reset

Pack phone in box and go to Apple Store

Come back with working phone and extra goods you were up-sold while you were at Apple Store

Hate new version of iOS

See new iOS release date

Repeat…

Image representing Google as depicted in Crunc...
Image via CrunchBase

Updating Android

See new version being touted

Wonder when they’ll give a release date

Several months later, get release date

Wonder when they’ll release it for your actual handset

Find out your manufacturer/vendor isn’t going to release it for your handset

Find out that they’ve given in to backlash and will release it

Wonder when they’ll give a release date

Keep checking for release date

Give up

Find out that they released it a month ago without making an announcement

Download update

Install update

Reboot handset

Enjoy new version, except for the functions they had to miss out because your handset can’t run them

Repeat

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Household japes #238

English: Disposable diaper, size 12-25kg/26-55lb.
Like this, but… browner (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Take a fully-loaded disposable nappy from a well-fed baby. Wrap it around itself and seal with the little velcro bits.

If you’re feeling slightly less of a risk-taker, place it in a small plastic bag and tie this shut.

Locate yourself round the corner from your other half.

When they are unsuspecting, launch the package into their vicinity with a shout of “GRENADE!!!”

Take cover.

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Your Daily Mail Horoscope

Daily 'hate' Mail parody 02
Hate-filled rag (Photo credit: Byzantine_K)

Aries: Today you will feel angst that someone on benefits is getting more money than you, despite the fact that you deserve it and they don’t. Also, news will reach you that someone not even born in this country is claiming money from the government that comes from your taxes. This will make your blood boil. In health, there will be a revelation that something you eat, drink, wear, breathe or do is now a cancer risk.

Libra: see Aries.

Gemini: see Aries.

Sagittarius: see Aries.

Pisces: see Aries.

Taurus: see Aries.

Cancer: see Aries.

Leo: see Aries.

Virgo: see Aries.

Scorpio: see Aries.

Capricorn: see Aries.

Aquarius: see Aries.

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