Category Archives: Uncategorised

Do-gooders at it again

Simply as they have fuck all better to do with their time, a bunch of bureaucrats have taken it upon themselves to discipline no fewer than 100 members of the police force for forwarding on a humorous series of pictures.The slideshow depicts a man running from police in the US. He jumps off a flyover and is decapitated on some railings. The caption is “Don’t Run From The Police”.Grisly, perhaps. But the reason for the reprimand? The man in question is black so therefore the clip is racist. For fuck’s sake. Are you trying to tell me that it would have been fine and dandy if the man had been white? Apparently the mail is “at best, disrespecful to the black people that live in Hertfordshire”. Bollocks. Complete bollocks.The only people who have drawn attention to the race of the wanker who took it upon himself to run from the police are the beancounters who have to justify their positions within the force.Worst case, I’d say the police should have more to do with their time than forwarding on joke emails. But on the other hand, they’re human and deserve a giggle just like the rest of us. There’s no mention at all in the article of anyone actually making a complaint, or feeling racially harassed. Has anyone bothered to ask any coloured staff if they felt racially humiliated as a result of seeing the pictures?Nah, didn’t think so.Now, does anyone know where I can get a copy of the mail so I can laft at the daft criminal of non-important racial heritage who took it upon himself to jump off a flyover?

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Further proof – bouncers are cunts

I headed to The Vic in Darwin this evening for dinner with four people from my dorm. The youngest of us was 22. The little prick on the door wanted ID from everyone. Including me. I’m fucking 33 next month.

Smug little shit he was, as well. Don’t know why. Fat, ugly, couldn’t string more than three words together and showing off that he was only 18. You know, funnily enough, it showed. Pathetic little wanker. One of our group had to walk all the way back to the hostel for his passport. Fortunately, staying at The Cav, we were only round the corner. I pity anyone who’d walked from Gecko’s – it’s 15 minutes each way.

Evil toaster destroyers

[another one written before I left home in March]

I had someone over recently and, being the polite host, asked if they wanted something to eat. "Cheese on toast" was the cheery reply.

Bastards. You invite someone over, show them common courtesy and they try and pull a practical joke on you. I mean, it’s all well and good asking a new apprentice to go and get some left-handed screws or a tin of tartan paint, but this could have been dangerous and knackered my toaster.

Had I not been as smart as I am, I could easily have been caught out. After all, how many people have sliced some cheese, layed it gently on the bread and then popped it into the toaster to cook? I’m not stupid. The cheese would drop straight off the bread and get all over the toaster elements. Fire could result and I’d certainly have to fork out for a new toaster.

Bloody irresponsible. That’s what I call it. Besides, I’ve already set fire to one toaster.

The perils of eating healthy food

I went to the loo today, wiped and – as any health consious person does – had a quick check of the paper-borne smearage. It was black. Not dark brown, but black.


Ask a doctor. Black equals congealed blood and is very bad news. The thing is, it’s usually linked to things like stomach ulcers and they hurt like all hell. And the worst I’ve had in the last 2 days is a bit of trapped wind that I released with gusto in the Vic last night (and managed to blame on someone else).

Then I glanced into the bowl. Ah, not black. Very, very, very dark green. The water in the Great White God Telephone had diluted my plop and shown that my poop was (for the second time in my memory) actually just been hugely affected by food colouring.

There is a lesson to be learned here: eat 300g of soft-eating liquorice in one go and youre shit turns green. It’s not a great lesson, but it’s a lesson nontheless.

I still have a 300g bag of soft-eating strawberry liquorice. I wonder if I’m going to shit red tomorrow?